Soooooooo when I wanted to become pregnant I devoured every tiny piece of information I could get my greedy little hands on to make this getting preggers process easy and successful. Hey I wanted a baby and I wanted it like NOW. Everything I found on the subject… said basically that everything I did, ate, listened to, felt, said, believed, thought effected the possibility of becoming pregnant.
Soooooo I ate healthy, I cut down stress, I did acupuncture, I meditated I prayed, I did a cleanse, I watched happy films I stayed around happy supportive people, I worked out, quit my friend Tracy and I got rest.
Sooooooo when I became pregnant (after 1 month, had a miscarriage then got pregnant again the next month) I devoured every tiny piece of information. Everything I could get my greedy little hands on about having a happy healthy pregnancy. Basically it said everything I did, ate, listened to, felt, said, believed, thought effected the baby. This tiny embryo of possibility that was growing inside of me. I wanted this tiny kernel to be the best kernel of yummy ever.
Soooooo I ate healthy, I cut down stress, I did acupuncture, I meditated I prayed, I did a cleanse, I watched happy films I stayed around happy supportive people, I worked out, quit my friend Laura and I got rest.
And then there she was. Happy, Healthy, Perfect. YAAAAYYYY I DID IT!!
Soooooooo when I wanted to raise this Baby Girl up to be the best baby girl ever. Everything I could get my hands on said… Basically it said everything I did, ate, listened to, felt, said, believed, thought effected MY BABY GIRL… OMGOOODNESS!!!!!
Well I made sure she ate healthy for the most part it gets kinda hard as they get older, birthday parties, commercials, homework, friends. I had to lose pregnancy weight twice and I tried a LOT of ways to do that ( diets and exercise and just not eating and lots and lots of exercise). I didn’t have so much time for me and I really liked Sarah Mclachlan and other moody melancholy singers so l listened to that a lot and cried. I felt depressed, fat and my friends Cheryl, Kim and Nancy all felt the same way. We hung out all the time and were pissed off over the state of our world, together. Until Cheryl got uppity and shanked us. I got lost in the” I don’t think I am good enough” sauce, my career will never happen, I can’t have the body I want. Kids are growing up too fast. I wonder if we can elect our first African American President and if we do what if people try to kill him and oh hell what is the the latest war, coup, disaster, eboloa, technology advancement gonna turn all our brains into gooo especially our kids. A.I. taking over the world, meat meat MEAT destroying our eco system, MOM being wicked, weird exclusive Mom cliques at school, online, everyfrickinwhere. Crazy racist cops killing our black sons, Masanto, MASANTO, Koch brothers, Plastic, CRAZY RACIST COPS KILLING OUR BLACK MEN, Sea World, The Zoo, polar ice caps melting….The brand new UTTER DISASTER IN THE WHITE HOUSE… CRAZY RACIST COPS KILLING OUR BLACK SONS AND MEN AND GETTING AWAY WITH IT… MY CAREER MY CAREER MY CAREER, KIDS, HUSBAND, LIFE, WORLD!!!
I got cancer
Sooooooo I eat healthy 90% of my food consumption is for important parts of my body like organs, heart, lungs, kidneys, skin you know stuff like that (olive and every other kinda frickin oil I can dip, dribble or rub, avocados, greens, brown rice, sprouted seed bread kinda stuff “Peak Foods”) and 10% is for my “bully tongue”always trying to get his way but Naw! (you only get 10% brownies, cookies, chips) END of food story period. I move my body (#30andDone) YouTube is Boss. I cut down on stress ( I stopped watching and reading every cycle of the news, counter news and commentary. NO I don’t know every tid bit of what is going on #ForestGump and I totally unplug one day a week). I see a Homeopath, I take herbs (email me) I meditate (Joe Dispenza)and I pray Every Single Day. I listen to all kinds of music mostly things that make me lose myself and DANCE HARD! I watch happy romantic, adventurous T.V and films (No shouting angry back biting, un dead,tyrant, rape pillage heavily surgery-upped fucking depressing t.v and films that show me a world gone to HELL in a hand basket I got enough of that in real life thank you). I listen to pod casts about SOLUTIONS. I write my congress people, I march, I support with my dollars people, things and businesses who share my idea of a whole balanced world #GrabYourWallet. I re-use and recycle. I am KIND to MYSELF. I work on my ultimate career and life story and live there 30 minutes every day. I make love to my husband, I teach my little black kids about the human spirit, good people and bad people, courage, strength manners and personal safety “Yes We Can”, I stay around happy supportive people. I quit Cheryl and my Mother.
and I get rest.
It was 11pm and I was trying my best to rest after a 6 hour combo cancer/ reconstruction surgery but I wasn’t feeling good at all. Which was kinda “yeah” but given the large IV sticking out of my arm was also kinda WT!?! I had told them I wasn’t feeling well. I had told them I was in a CRAZY AMOUNT of pain and well I had shown them the top of my swollen almost to the size of a small watermelon breast. Meh…
Well It’s been one whole year to the day, that I was being wheeled into that emergency surgery (burst blood vessel) Yikes. And I remember laying on my back trying to calm my breathing as I sailed down the hall on the gurney watching the blurry ceiling tiles fly by and thinking… I sure miss my Ali, I sure miss my babies, I sure wish I could wear my contacts so I could see the ceiling tiles better.
But seriously I remember knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that this thing this whole being on this earth thing …it’s all about Love.
The love you give,
the love you get,
the love you are.
I’ve spent quit some time with myself this past year healing, reflecting, talking, reading and learning. I haven’t posted a lot because I’ve instead been thinking and living. And I have to say I’ve learned a couple of things that I hope to never unlearn.
The main thing is in regards to the people you love, the ideas you support, the causes you champion…too much is probably just right.
In this moment I’m not talking about kids. As a Mommy I realize I spend and an inordinate amount of time on my little beloveds. Caring for them listening to them worrying about them, praising them, disciplining them, volunteering in their names. Well you get the picture.
Grown people and our relationships can get sorta, kinda lost in the sauce. Making way for us to rely too heavily on Social Media to foster our ties and create bonds. To me social media is like a wonderful yearly Christmas card…you get to SEE people… but you don’t really get to KNOW them unless you have real life interaction. Johnny got a new job, Sara went on a vacation, the kids are growing taller. I can see all of that in pictures..but how does the new job, vacation, growing kids feel? How are we coping how are we thriving, how are we barely treading water. The real marrow of the matter all of the mushy gushy stuff is missed underneath the posed smiling faces.
So in honor of these last 12 months I wanted to share a bit of what I hope to never unlearn.
Firstly, in relationships always use the “Extra Care Maintenance Schedule”
And the second bit “A- game only please.”
Like maintenance on a car any friendship, or for that matter any relationship over 5 years old should qualify for something more. Only the top grade “love and attention” will do in order to keep it on the road humming along happily. Everyone can do a good job in the beginning of any relationship but talk to me after year 5, and I’m all ears.
Here’s what I think the policy should include.
ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS– Unexpected…cards, flowers, notes, letters, cuddles, kisses, romantic overtures (not sex related) are A M A Z I N G. Doors being opened, checking in being done. Regular awesome, ok really great, ok SEX happening REGULARLY… We are in Nirvana.
FRIENDSHIPS– Calls, texts, notes, check in’s,(NOT ON FB or INSTAGRAM or TWITTER) like on a REAL phone talking!!! OR in PERSON! GASP!! Time spent chatting about deep shit, time spent chatting about nothing, time spent together throwing back shots! Whooohooo!!
YOURSELF– Taking care of your wants and needs (time to spend with friends, time to do your nails, time to see a frickin movie (not animated) Taking care of your Body!! Yes I’m talking Exercise I’m talking nutrition, I’m talking scrubs, oils, ointments, rubs. Taking care of your Soul. I’m talking meditation, prayer, sitting and just b e i n g still, making lists about your goals, writing and thinking about who you are and who you want to become. Taking the time to heal past hurts, counseling, classes, books, writing. MAKE IT HAPPEN!
To all those who say they just can’t make the time to foster relationships including with themselves. I can only say, lonely times are ahead. The kids grow up and go away and so do the jobs, but the friendships, the love relationships, the peace of mind remain.
I knew in a deeper way last year that this life will be over eventually.
But I also realized anew that it was not over yet! I was alive and I was gonna dig deep and stir up the courage to give the rest of my life my A game.
My A Game in All Areas
FRIENDSHIP- I unfriended and let go of anyone that didn’t make me feel good when I thought of them. Those are frienemies. Anyone who didn’t reach out to make sure I was ok I changed their status in my mind. They saw me smiling on social media and decided I must be fine. For acquaintances that’s the way it’s supposed to go. They are supposed to post a “feel better and praying for you” and that’s the end. For people who have my phone number and know where I lived Uh No! I let go in my heart anyone who weighed me down and didn’t lift me up (mothers included) . I also spoke candidly to anyone who I saw falling down on the job in order to give them a chance to rise. No one is perfect and not everyone is gonna be your tribe. But your people are out there! Find them and Rock Hard.
CAREER/DESTINY WORK- Be YOU BODLY!! Say No to every opportunity to be scared of your main goal. Now understand that you must DO EVERYTHING to support your family. Work at McDonalds, drive for LYFT, hustle paintings, makeup, bras whatever it takes. But never loose sight of the REAL goal. I’ve dedicated myself to 30 good minutes on it daily. To the thought of it to the doing of it to the feeling of it every day! Then Hustle ON!
RELATIONSHIPS (romantic)- Write out what you need, write out what you want, write out what you are getting now and how it compares to your needs and wants. Share it. Give it a minute, but if after a minute there is no change. LEAVE.
CAUSES- Champion them, get involved, get your hands dirty, show UP!
This life is all about Love.
The love you give
The love you receive
The love you are
and with the state of the world right now
Too much is probably just right!
So I’m looking over my pictures from “the summer”. Mind you as I write air conditioning is still non negotiable, short dresses are still my besties and sweaters are only for the cinema. Not sure what you call this moment in time. This steamy August day, but this post is not long enough for my lament plus I’m sure your own wailings would most surely drown out mine .
But as I looked, I realized that I hadn’t taken as many pictures as I usually do. What!? How could this be? Me the queen of picture taking. My hailing of “lean in smile” intruding on many a moment.
I put down the phone as I get distracted by my grim new reality. Dinner on time and bath on time and bed on time…so that we can all get up on time and go to school on time. Ugh! “They” are so out to prove that summer is over. I close my eyes and say a quick prayer of gratitude as the kids wake up smiling. No need for all of us to be crying at these moments. I get through the week. Friday mercifully finally comes. And in the night as I close my eyes there it is. The salty, sweaty, dusty tang of summer. I see the smiles and feel the water glide over my bronzed skin, pull back only to pour over me again. I hear the giggles and the laughter and the music always humming underneath silhouetting the long lazy days. Right there, all there. Those precious moments. I was in it. Feeling it, delving deep in it staring it down. For I knew if I blinked I would be here and not there. So I tried really hard to only be there.
Happy last days of summer
So I realized yesterday that I have a touch of Cancer. As I held my shiny new purple binder in my hand I let the idea of it do back flips in my mind. As I read through my shiny new purple binder I let it whisper in my ear and tell all of the neighbors. “She has a touch of Cancer.” Well actually my girlfriend told me that’s what I had as I sobbed to her and another friend almost incoherently on the phone. I gasped and sputtered and struggled to catch my breath as I told them about my shiny new purple binder. They patiently strained to hear and waited until I calmed down enough to string a sentence together. And then oh so knowingly my friend said “Yeah Babe you’ve got a touch of Cancer” and I melted into the moment and I knew she was right. “I got a touch of Cancer”.
Not the kind where you sound the alarm of all hands on deck to your family and friends because you are in for the fight of your life. Not the kind that your life completely stops and no one expects you to go in for work. Or the kind that your mom has to be on the next plane to sit by your side, take care of your kids and cook dinner while you loose your precious hair in the sink.
Not that kind.
Just a touch.
Just enough to get yourself a shiny new purple binder full of numbers that I might need and a Oncology Doctor and Nurse and Nurse Navigator and Free Yoga and Therapy sessions and free validated parking at a shiny new Cancer Research Center.
Just a touch seems to be enough around here.
Ok to be fair the Doctor told me a month ago. He said my ATHP had moved up a notch to DCIS. Commonly called O Stage Breast Cancer WTH?!!! Now mind you I was having enough trouble already understanding and pronouncing my ATHP, Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia. Which basically means you got calcium deposits that are hanging out in groups and getting kind of lumpy and well they’re making the Doctors kinda jumpy. Cool no problem let’s get those puppies on out of there. Now I should mention that I have been on a very slippery boobie journey with an odd cast of characters for 8 months now. And I have been a pretty mildly interested blasé passenger all along the way.
It started in August when I had my annual mammogram. I say annual very loosely cuz truth be told I was supposed to go in for it in May. Whoops. But hey It was my birthday, anniversary, then the summer and you get the picture I had things to do. So I finally made it happen in August. Afterwards they called to say that I needed to come back in again cuz “something didn’t look right.” I said sure no problem, I’ll get right back to you… in 2 MONTHS!!! HA!! Oh don’t look at me like that. This was my regular mammogram office routine. I think they love me there (though I don’t know anyone by name) and they always want me to come back. I have fibrous breast, so I expect that call. In fact in my house we’ve jokingly decided it’s just a medical scam to get more money out of us. Year after year I endure two mammograms a year while my friends only get one. Squeeze and Squeeze. Yikes, It hurts and it gets costly! So you can see why I wasn’t in the mood for their shakedown right away. I did feel slightly shame faced once I did return. While looking at my chart the technician mentioned she was happy that I had “found the time” to come back in again. Blink blink weak smile. But then when it was over, instead of getting dressed and heading out to finish my errands as I always do. I was ushered into another room and told a doctor would be with me shortly. Well, this is new. The Doctor comes in and lets me know that I truly have something that doesn’t look right. Sure ok fine what’s next? Well what was next was…Ultrasounds, MRI’s, Steriatic Breast Biopsy’s, More Mammograms, and a Biopsy Lumpectomy.
I drove myself to and from each appointment unwilling to enlist the working hubby or a friend cuz hey we are all busy and it’s just silly procedures anyway.
I got this.
In fact I did “have it” – mostly. Most procedures were fine maybe uncomfortable but nothing to write home about until I hit the Stereotatic Needle Biopsy. Now that was a revelation. Lying awake, face down and to the side. I was told not to move. With my boobie in a vice and a needle stuck in me while I dripped blood for 30 minutes and listened to the nurse and doctor argue about “where” the placement of the needle was supposed to be. REALLY?!! Finishing that only to have another Mammogram on the spot to make sure that the thingy they put in me was in PLACE. WT!!!??
I broke and cried all the way home.
Then I brushed myself off made dinner and rushed to get the kiddies.
It wasn’t even until I was gonna take a Uber to my surgical lumpectomy (the hubby was coming after he dropped the kids at school) that I had a mini intervention from a friend who insisted on driving me. Honey Sweetie Pie out patient or not you’re having surgery and it might be good to have a friend hold your hand. Yes and yes it was!
I cried after I came home. Not because of the surgery, that was fine I was sleep. But there was this business with putting in a “wire” beforehand that threw me for a loop. Needle, boobie, vice grip, wire, awake… UGH!
But hey that was all over. Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia GONE and calcium deposits WHOOSH out da Door!!
I sat down for a day or so then got back to life. School, kids, dinner, lunches, work, hubby,dog…Girl Scout Cookie selling….retreat planning, movie making I was so busy that I didn’t realize that I hadn’t heard from the Doctor. I mean I wasn’t really checking for his call. Sure I had some missed calls but I don’t know nobody from West Hills!!
Yeah Maybe Ya do Babe!
The Doctor finally tracked me down a week and a half later. I was on my way over the Canyon (bad cell service) to a meeting. He said something about me being a hard woman to reach. I told him I thought no news was good news. He said and I quote “No. No News is No News”! Blink Blink. Then I thought he said I had Caratonia whatever the heck that was but the phone got fuzzy and the call dropped. When he called back he got right down to business. He said I’m sorry but the lab reports came back and they show carcinoma you should come back in so we can talk about what’s next. I said sure… and went about my life. Yes I called my Mom and siblings and some friends had a mini cry. But I really didn’t feel anyway big way about it. I knew in the end I was gonna be fine, just fine. I didn’t sound an alarm. I felt no alarm. I received some flowers and chocolates from friends with messages to call if I needed anything. Well I was still running up hills and perfectly capable of doing everything. So I admired and smelled the flowers tried not to eat too much chocolate and kept it moving.
Because what do you do when you have a touch of cancer? I’ve made meals, given rides and sat by the beds of friends and relatives who have had Cancer real CANCER the one with all caps. I know what to do for them. There are kids to pick up, dinners to be made, treatments to get to, encouragement to lend.
But me and my touch of it – what do I do?
Until Yesterday happened. Yesterday turned my head all the way around and not for the reason you think. I looked up at all of those sweet kind Oncology nurses, and Doctors telling me all about my Cancer and sentinel lymph nodes and what to expect with my surgery and radiation. I was fine and fine until they got to the part of me and my boobies after radiation and then I cried! What?!!! Yep I cried. Not because I had a touch of Cancer but because I was hearing how this touch was getting in the way of my “new perky boobie vision”. See I have had a vision of new perky boobies ever since I finished nursing my babies. I just wanted “my” boobies but better. Full and plump again + a wee bit more. Not Vegas style or anything. Just the full stand up kind that you can wear a sexy backless dress, while you dance with your Boo and hang out in St. Bart’s topless on a beach. Don’t smirk it’s my dream. Those kinds of BOOBIES. Now I heard loud and clear through my information overload haze. I heard the nice Nurse telling me that after my lumpectomy and 35 radiation treatments (5 days a week for 7 weeks) I wouldn’t be a candidate for breast augmentation. Because radiation does something to your breast tissue and blah blah BLAH!!!
I just Couldn’t….
Poor nice and sweet Oncology Nurses so used to women busting into tears in their shiny Cancer Facility. They kindly calmed me down and assured me I could and “should” speak to a plastic surgeon NOW before my surgery so I could get my “perky boobie vision” Sorted!
But alas the damage was done.
I could feel it. Something had cracked inside and it was ALL rushing in on me…all the months… all the procedures… all the stress and the strain and the squeezing and the pressing, and the wondering, and the ignoring and the smiling and the getting on with it.
I was tumbling with the knowledge that.
A Touch or Not.
I had Cancer…
And I realized I had no idea what was next. And that I was in totally new territory for me. That I might really need “to call a friend” and maybe I would need things in my shiny new purple binder. I decided that most of all maybe it was ok to have a little compassion for me and my touch of Cancer.
So I called a friend and I let my hubby who has been my rock hold me tight as I cried. And I thought about finally telling the kids.
I thought about the movie I want to make, the work I still feel impassioned to do and the life I want to live. I thought about the warm beach I want to lie on with my honey for my upcoming birthday/ anniversary.
Before more surgery
and I cried and sighed…
For I realized I will be forever changed by just a touch.
I’m standing in front of my semi- new High School having an argument/ conversation with some chick I don’t even know. I mean I “know” her (she’s in my P.E. class) I just don’t KNOW her. If you get my drift. This is not the first time we have had this conversation and from the look on her face I don’t think it will be our last. “Why you standin’ over here?” “I’m waiting for my bus.” “What bus?” “The #3 Bus”! “Why? “What do you mean why…cuz it’s the bus that goes to where I live”. “Yeah but THAT bus goes to the PROJECTS.” “Yeah that’s where I live”!! “Harumph… Whatever”. She looks me up and down taking in my cute funky look. My hair has some sort of flip (a night in hard rollers) and my jeans have the right cut even though they are “no names”. She doesn’t know I had saved for 6 months at my after school job. That I had searched hi and low for just the right knock offs. Or that I was afraid until right now that I would be found out. Fake fake fake!
I keep my eyes level to hers and in them is neither pleading nor pissed. Harumph she says again or at least that’s the closest I can come to relaying the sound. It’s accompanied by a closed mouth and lips that curl up and hang out for awhile on one side of the face while the eyes roll to the back…cuz well they are just plain ole tired of looking at whatever pitiful thing they are looking at. Now the first time I saw this sequence of movements I was impressed and mesmerized. Then I realized that it’s just the norm of all perpetually pissed inner city teens. Finally she decides I must not be ready to change my story and with that she lopes off to rejoin her group. They welcome her back and all turn their backs on me as they hold conference on what “I said, and then what she said”.
This conversation is not new it’s like hundreds I’ve had prior and since and it is all brought to you by the sponsors
“Who The Hell are You”??
Which to a adolescent is EVERYTHING!! Are you a Nark, a Shark a Teachers Pet, a Brown Nose-er, A rocker, a Nerd, a Screw Up, a Faker, a Jock, a Druggie, a Wierdo, a Stuck Up, a Richie, a Prude. Are you a Secret Teller or a Secret Keeper. When I’m with you should I…Joke, laugh, smile or ignore you all together. Are you a Somebody or a Nobody. This adolescent interrogation goes on and on until a credible case is built for or against you.
Since becoming a “grown up” I naively thought this would all be in the past. But now it’s even more probing. It’s called, resume’s, credentials, letters of recommendation and questionnaires. Everywhere you go inquiring minds still want to know.
Who the Hell are you!!!???
To be fair, wanting to know can be an issue of safety. Life is a gaggle of people and experiences some good and others dreadfully not. Everyone needs a little predictability every now and again. We need to know who the sane ones are. The honest ones, the laze abouts and the hard workers.
I get it.
But at this moment I am in the midst of a seismic shift. And it has left me a bit rattled as I reshape myself, yet again. Right now I am not predictable. What I have been, is slowly morphing into what I am now and they need to shake hands and make friends.
We live in a world of the hyphenate Doctor/Landscape Artist, Lawyer/Pastry Chef, Business Owner/Philanthropist. Every time that we introduce ourselves we are faced with the challenge to accurately describe just who we are. But in our struggle to sound credible we strain at the reigns of choosing sides. I thought you said you were an Actress? I am. But I am also… Because of the discomfort, lately I have been taking refuge in my “mommy-hood, and wifey-ness” to get a break from the unnerving nature of a reinvention, which is upheaval. But being a Mommy and Wifey are much more simple. Mommy’s pick up kids, dole out love and snacks. Wives make dinner, dole out love and snacks and try not to bitch too much. But all the other parts of me are not so compliant right now.
Who we are …Who we really are is a changing spot on a ever spinning planet of possibility. I desire for the core of me to remain constant. The center of my “I Am” to be a beacon of stability. “I am” kind, creative, spirited, loving, inquisitive, hopeful, truthful, thankful. While the other part of my “I Am” remains fluid open to the spontaneity of a life lived with passion and a desire to grow. This ” I Am” is an Actress, Writer, Teacher, Life Coach, Style Maven.
I pray that the taste when it touches your lips is savory and sweet…cuz I am that.
I heard somewhere…(Marianne Williamson) When you live your truth it gives others permission to do the same. So the next time someone looks slightly confused as you rattle off your sparkling pedigree…just simply state. “I’m a hybrid a vast improvement on last years model.”
Watch their faces light up.
Be your beautiful self. Comma’s, dashes and all!
I know “I Am”
It’s Almost here #Yipee!!
Another helpful, revitalizing, insightful workshop “A Goddesses Guide to the Everyday”.
Have you ever found yourself running on fumes. Only having just enough energy to a l m o s t keep up with yourself and your life. Looking for the meaning in it all. Looking in the mirror and wondering where “YOU” have gone”.
I certainly have. This workshop is designed to help us look at our lives in a new way. I truly believe that we all have a purpose and a reason to be here. A reason that is so vital to the world that it is imperative that we get on purpose and fuel our passion.
After this workshop you should be closer to identifying if you are on track with your goals and purpose. If not what has been standing in your way? I will give you tools to move from behind the eight ball and start to be the driver in your own life. Helping form a schedule a order to your life and along the way fueling your soul.
I know that we can feel excited about our life, our love, our kids, our jobs and our home!! After all without the passion the purpose and the love what are we doing it all for!!!
#Lets Go Goddesses See you on the 28th 3-6pm….yes I added an hour. (Gotta have time to chat and snack) Please email me for details Dahn@itsyoubutnew.com
Location of workshop is Studio City California.
It’s the first light of morning and I can hear an alarm going off. I moan and shift still half asleep. It’s not mine I don’t usually ever set an alarm, its for the hubby. He silences it in the groggy way one does at this time of the morning. He is usually up before me and off to the gym. He comes back and we trade. But not today. He had a late night of work and the gym will have to wait. He rubs my shoulder and whispers an admonishment for me to continue to sleep he knows I did not sleep well. But alas I am awake…Ugh I swallow and I feel the pain in the back of my throat and a throb in my head. It’s not quit the way I want to wake up any morning but definitely not on a Monday. This doesn’t bode well for the week.
I lay there knowing I have a window to decide how this is gonna go and it is closing fast.
I decide and carefully swing my legs over the side of the bed and hoist myself to my feet. I can feel the long busyness of yesterday along with tending to a sick child during the night in every inch of my body. I am tired and morning has come way too fast. My body lets me know what it thinks about me working out…NOT!
But through the haze I decide I am in charge… not my body and I need to run.
The crisp air hits me but it does little to alter the mood or the head throb but I press on.
I let my mind wander and it rests on a friend who is caring for her Mom who is going through the journey of Cancer. I say a prayer for her as my footfalls in a familiar cadence. I send her visions of this early morning light and prayers of grace. After her many others come to mind. Those who are suffering, those who are grieving, those who are out of a job, out of a home, out of love. And as I move I pray and as I pray I become a moving tide of gratitude. I think of all of those who would love to be on this mountain this morning doing just this. I think of those who would love to tend to a child or roll over next to a husband or clean a house or wash some clothes. Those who with just a smidgen of health or freedom would love to chase their dreams just one more day and my breathing steadies in determination my legs feeling less like lead.
I let the thankfulness fuel my thoughts of the day. I dedicate this day and all that it contains to those who can’t.
And as I round the last bend with my whole body in full forward motion I know that I will do it all #Because I Can…
And that makes all the difference.
Rest in Peace #MikeBrown
I’m not a Phd or Md or even a D for that matter in Relationships. Though I do love that letter for obvious reasons.
Nor have I done extensive research backed by grants and funds from prestigious schools of thought on marriage, relationships, and coupledom.
I am also not a Bible thumping believer in marriage at all costs or you will burn in hell and the children will be damned, scarred and forever wander in the desert of “can’t get it right, cuz mommy and daddy ain’t together no more. In fact I believe that being together only for the sake of the children can back fire terribly. I for one prayed nightly for my parents to divorce. The stress and strain of our parents unhappiness hung like a heavy wet wool blanket on a very hot day. Yuck.
What I am …is a regular
I believe in equal pay for equal work. A women’s right to choose and bedtime routines. I believe that kale is amazing, recycling is a must and M’M’s can change your outlook on life.
I can also easily grasp the idea that some might not wanna marry at all or procreate. Great! Marry and both be Boys or Girls. Go for it! You should be allowed to give it a whirl and see how you do just like the rest of us.
I am now and have always been obsessed with people and relationships and what makes them tick. Not in the gossipy non “Real House Wives” of Whatever-Ville way. But in the take apart the radio and put it back together…now turn it on does it still play… kinda way.
I was the kid playing in the kitchen while my mom and her friends talked so I could hear the latest. Collicky babies, men who didn’t want to commit, a new one pot dinner dish…I was hearing it all.
I was born into un-wed parentage, siblings by different fathers and a fierce amazing matriarch spirit who held the family together. My siblings and I cared nothing for the language of half’s and steps and so no matter our ration of blood we were full and we were love and we were mighty.
I knew God and church and brim stone. But no matter the brimstone what I hung, clung and clutched between my fingers like my life depended on it was Love.
It was what I searched the hallways of school for, the aisles of the church for, the playgrounds and the streets for…Love. No matter the upheaval of youth I knew it was all I needed.
“March of the Penguins” have you seen this movie? Oh the cold and the marching and the eggs and the babies and the mating and the hardship and the seals and the cold. The bone chilling cold and of course the voice. I am riveted by this story. I literally cry every time I see it. Simply every frame is filled with the fiber of Love. It helps them survive the weather the hardship the heartbreak the seals…if you ask me it was Love.
I wanted some of that Penguin Love.
I have read the article of “Conscious Uncoupling”. I like others giggled a little at the title. Some more New Age-y speak, ok fine bring it on. Upon reading I loved the point. There has to be a way to take apart, what was once together, in a sane, peaceful dare I say loving way. I stood up and cheered. Please oh please can we have more of that. Even if it comes with a ceremony performed by a group of small pointy nosed men and ashes I’m still in. But there was one cord that struck me as being off key. In fact it totally fell flat to my ears and haunted me for days. It was the idea that… marriage in it’s concept just doesn’t really …well …work… anymore! We live longer, we cannot expect marriage to last the distance. I heard biology, psychology, don’t expect…we are not equipped…no work for us no more.
I myself am on my second marriage I could be seen as living in a glass house but I have no stones to throw. What I do know is that as I walked down that first aisle towards a kind young man. I knew like I knew grass looked better green that this was not for me. And yet I walked and I spoke up when asked and I gave my consent. I was fresh out of college. I could blame my youth. But it would be an untruth. I knew. I was clear on the un- rightness of this coupling. But I was also hopeful in equal measure. Maybe all that I “saw” and “felt” would grow differently with the right amount of sun, water, jobs and friends. And then there was his sweetness and his true love of me. Oh how I needed that Love. So I reached up and grabbed it with a “I Do”!
“Are you married in a relationship…do you have kids”? It’s my question. My party, bbq, social mingle, PTA, church meeting, park bench conversation. It’s my question. I believe everyone has one. A question that though not scientific in nature sheds light on who this new person before us might be. My aunts question is what school did you attend? Education is always her question. My friends question is where do you come from? Birth location answers a lot I guess. And another guy friends wants to know what sport what team? I pity the person with lack of both.
But my question has always been married or not…kids how many? I have gleaned a lot from the answering of this question. And more than the actual answer is the way the answer is delivered. “Ball and chain” style. “Been there done that” style. “God help me get out of this hole” style. “Surprisingly it’s going well” style. Oh and my favorite “So far so good” style. It’s better than a scientology personality test -this question. What has struck me most in all of my relationship conversation is how very few “surprise” relationship deaths there really are. In fact I actually stared to view them like an urban legend. Out of the blue for no reason at all he/ she started to drink, beat, hit, be distant, not care, freak out, bore me to tears, leave. They literally woke up a different person. Which I might add is very different then “growing” into another person. We are all “growing” into something every day depending on the conditions and the weather. Births, deaths, war, finances, jobs, too much or complete lack of chocolate they are all effecting how we grow. What we have not done so often is turn from being a peach into a turnip. This evolutionary leap does not happen as often as you might think. There was usually something a little fishy about that peach even in the beginning.
Most stories I have heard all read like a not so riveting episode of CSI. Clues clues everywhere clues. Clues that were ignored or swept over or not taken into evidence properly. Whether this happened because of youth, naiveté, slow on the uptake, the desire to see the best in people or really great sex. Most are not payed attention to for one simple reason. The “if I know then I have to do something” line of thinking. If I fain being duped then I’m not responsible to do anything. And since we are not ready to “Do” anything we plead the fifth, cross our fingers and hope for the best. Well of course until there is just one… smack, lie, not showing up, lazy ass on couch, no ambition, unkind, arrogant, rude, unthoughtful, selfish, drinking, uncaring, eating with mouth open, aaaaahhh moment too many. And then with one huge AHA!!! We suddenly know what we must do ….run, jump, divorce, sever, leave, escape this Loch ness monster.
I have been made to watch a gazillion nature shows with my kiddies. The Kratt Brothers, David Attenborough and Morgan Freeman narrate my days.
I have always been struck by the symmetry of nature. The adaptation. The single minded focus of survival. Just the decision on which water hole to drink from is the difference of life or death for the herd. Every species has their “way” of doing things but guaranteed all roads lead to optimal chance of survival model. Survival of the young being highest on the list. They are in fact their tomorrow their ultimate survival ticket.
The human species seem to be the only ones bucking the system. We are like breakdown on eco system number nine. It seems to me and yes correct me if I am wrong that it takes two to make a thing go right. Yep that’s a hip hop song from the mid eighties. But two not one. And let’s be extra clear it really takes more than that. In case you haven’t heard it takes a Village. Aunties and Uncles and Grandparents and Friends and Peoples. But in the beginning to “make a life” it takes two. Even if you find a way to be one…if you want to make a child it’s gonna take two. And again correct me if I am wrong but it seems our species our children seem to do better (again arguably) with two. We are talking optimal health. Optimal survival. Some ying some yang I’m not talking sex…I’m talking energy. I’m talking about a family unit and I’m talking about everyones happiness. I’m sure some single parents are as happy as a pie lover in a pie shop. But I think if given the right person a little help and some partnership might really come in handy. Again I could be wrong.
And yet with the idea of Conscious Uncoupling we again embrace the idea that we are not “made” to do the two thing successfully. For very long. But since we can’t kick the kids out until at least 18 yrs old (ok fine maybe 16 yrs old in some states) and you know they still wanna stay past that. Then we are saying that “We the people” are not “built” for their optimal happiness model.
Just a moment I want to raise a tentative hand in the back of the class and ask. If every other species has in their DNA their ultimate survival game plan. Might not we also have this blueprint in our DNA. The ability to couple successfully for the ultimate survival and health and happiness of all involved.
Might this be “the way we were naturally designed” Might there be a homing device in us that turned on might attract the “really good for me” person for my person.
The reason that I pose this is that. What if we “knew” in our cells that coming together and being together for life was natural and the way we are “really built”. Might that feeling, that idea alone change the very nature of the union for our species. Might it release the ball and chain, the holding me down, the locked up, boring, same every day, no more excitement, sex with the same person ugh idea of …what marriage has become. Might it slowly start to thaw out the idea that it’s all just a crap shoot and that we are somehow going against our million sperm count to even try. Might we raise our boys and girls with the idea that marriage is great and good and fun and might that very idea produce a different outcome.
Einstein ( i think it was him who said) Just the observation changes a thing. Just the intent changes the out come. Just like the idea that school is hard, authority is oppressive, doing good in school is for the social rejects colors some kids school days for the worse. Most parents agree that unless you were born already knowing how to read, write and add. Your butt needs to go to school. Just because it’s challenging does not mean you don’t have to go. Just because it pulls it pushes, it makes your kids stress and strain. Even with the occasional boring teacher, or “overly” tough teacher. We don’t adapt to the idea that “school is just not natural” You know why because at our core we know two things…#1 the desire to learn is primal ask any parent watching a baby learn to move. You don’t really “teach” them to walk one day they are gonna want that cookie across the room and they are gonna scoot, crawl, walk or run to get it. #2 Well it’s just necessary for our survival. Cold cave man meet fire. And so we press on. We seek out great schools and inspiring teachers we search to see how our kid learns and how we can match their innate desire to a skill. We look for ways to stir the embers and light the fire. We know whether it’s sports or numbers, dance or the horn section once a child catches fire they are unstoppable.
And so before we add more fuel to the fire that is already burning so brightly that we are somehow not meant to be together …for that duration…under these circumstances in our lives today.
Before we do that.
Let’s sit with the idea for just a moment. That somehow the coming together with the perfect “for us” mate, that uplifts us and champions us, comforts us and sits with us. Someone who if you decide yes on children will stay and help raise them. And then later will rock on the porch with you as the light turns to twilight.
Whatever sex, color or creed.
There is a someone for your someone.
For the sake of the children for our species survival.
Let’s just rest on the naturalness of that…
for a moment
I have a girlfriend who every time she see’s me she has to compliment my butt. She really just can’t help it. We hug, kiss, tell each other how good it is to see one another and at some point when I turn around she gets a view of my butt and she let’s me know. “Girrllll you have the best butt EVER”! Now I know she is genuinely happy to see it. All round and I hope perky:-) I understand she doesn’t possess such pronounced bounty and well when she see’s mine it must make her smile. And In her mind I guess It deserves a compliment… every time.
But I have to admit. In the beginning of our friendship this “booty report” would totally throw me off. “What was she really trying to say!” Was I getting fat? I spent more time then usual sideways in the mirror trying to do before and after booty comparisons. Was I bigger then the last time I saw her? Yada Yada. I would go so far as to try on “The Pants”! You know the ones you keep in your closet but don’t wear. The ones you rocked before kids. You try them on every now and then (for me weekly). To see if they still fit. Hey I use that instead of a scale. Getting into them in general is not an option. But are they tighter then last week or looser? Inquiring minds wanna know!! Each encounter with my friend would throw me into the same funky head space. But not for long!! Luckily by the time I had met her I had grown. Not sideways but upward…I was Wiser.
See she met me after the turbulent years. Because now me and my body are not only on good speaking terms. We have become friends. It isn’t that we always see eye to eye . Lord knows we have our spats. But we enjoy each others company. Laugh at the same jokes and agreed on the basics. We are in this together!!
Now this wasn’t always so. There was a time that my ample bottom along with the rest of me did not make me happy at all. I call those years (12 yrs old until 8 years ago)… The Dark Ages” Back in the day my bottom along with my sturdy thighs among other things were parts to be hid, draped and covered at all times. I developed this hour glass shape pretty early on. And we all know how adolescent boys can be…”Loud and Descriptive” about what they see. And even though my “development “was complimented. It made me feel self conscious. And of course true to “Crazy form” you want that which you don’t have. I, like every other girl in the Universe /Stratosphere wanted to be Skinny!! Or at least that’s what it feels like, one body type (give or take boobs and a tiny butt) for 500 million women. That’s INSANE!! (not to be confused with “Insanity” a very popular workout video.)
My relationship with my body closely resembled that of a dissappoving parent who’s kid was lucky enough to get a smirk or a grunt of approval on any given day. “Now you know good and well that in “this family” all we have are Skinny Thighs …uh I mean “Straight A students” young lady.” So what do you call This!!! Hmmm blink blink…looks a little too wide to lumpy to bumpy to, short to tall toooooo something that wasn’t meeting with “moms” strict standards.
Only sometimes on rare occasions when the outfit was perfect perfect and I had eaten just the right meal for a flat stomach. And the clothes hit at just the right angle and the light bounced off the right side of the planet as the sun and moon eclipsed and the birds sang in operatic unison…was I Happy with what I saw in the mirror. Good Lord…who wants to live with this kind of disapproval all the freakin time. It was enough to make a person wanna run away!! And stay gone! But since the person I wanted to run away from was me. We settled on a “if you don’t start nothin’ neither will I” kinda relationship. We stayed away from religion, politics and short shorts hoping that would keep us out of trouble.
It wasn’t until after the Freshman 15 lbs, after it was lost, after College, after studying abroad, after living in NY & London, after my first real heart break, after my first 10 jobs after my first years of marriage and after my first BABY!!! That I finally really started having another kind of relationship with my body. That I stopped being the DOM needing my body to be the Submissive… That I started a new conversation with my body. A conversation that involved listening and talking. Where nurturing and loving and kindness came into my “body vocabulary” Where allowing my body to be be itself came into my way of being.
I remembered desiring with all of my might to be pregnant. I so prayed my body would cooperate. I remembered with elation waving around the stick that showed two mighty stripes. I remembered watching my body change with a new life growing deep inside. All of the thoughtfulness and the savoring of food that not only kept me alive but grew another life as well. Oh how I clucked over every choice. Lovingly reading the packaging. Checking to make sure that I was taking in enough of this or that so that the heart and lungs and brain would be perfect on this new being. Aaaahhh food & exercise became my wand and I it’s sorcerer. We were not only friends we were allies and we were in perfect pitch harmony “Must birth healthy baby”!!!
And we did it!!! We accomplished said task!! My beautiful daughter was born. After the process I looked at my body with it’s new curves and new bumps and lumps and thought…hmmm where to now?
Instead of going into complete panic mode. I read every accounting of how to get my body back. I had exercised throughout (doing yoga until the very day I birthed her). I had slathered myself with cream from head to toe. Get close to me during pregnancy and you are liable to slip slide away. I decided this was our new project and I dived right in. I did everything reccomended including binding my stomach, drinking the teas and starting slowly. I was invigorated with the process (yes with some anxiety) I was experiencing sleepless nights and long days. I was breastfeeding and tied down to a new crazy schedule of what she wanted when she wanted it! Ugh!!
I had the baby blues and I wondered could I… would it …can we? But now I wasn’t dealing with an enemy. My body had somehow thru the process proved itself to me. It proved it’s strength its capableness it’s amazing nurturing power. I was now dealing with a friend. And so we made a pact. If I chose the right things to eat, & moved my body as often as I could. If I would journal and talk to friends. If I would write and keep my mind moving. If I would seek help from my hubby and baby care. Then my body would do it’s part. It would pull itself back in and tighten up. It would allow me to walk and then run. It would glow and smooth out…it would calm into peace of mind. It would take care of me if I took care of it!
It grieves me to no end to hear us girls/women/mommies berating our bodies soooooo! Argh!! The mean words we say the unkind ways we treat our beings. The yucky things we feed our bodies and the lack of movement that our bodies must endure and then to be so un-lovingly thought of. It’s a wonder they don’t break down and cry daily. And weep for all the things they do that go completely unnoticed. Like the heart beating and the lungs expanding and the brain functioning and the cuts…healed and the babies born. All done with out a thank you in sight…
It’s a wonder they just Wail…and then quit.
And sometimes that’s exactly what happens. They get so tired of being mistreated. That they just can’t take it anymore and let you know it. Too much anxiety…hair falling out. Too much processed food…weight gain. Too much high stress….heart attack. Not enough movement and fresh air…Break down.
Would you want to do “better” for a task master such as this?
It is only thru kind words and action that our bodies will respond in kind. And like any relationship worth saving the change must start with you.
Loving yourself just the way you are. Body scrub and massages for your body as is. New makeup and hair for yourself NOW. New clothes uh huh right NOW. I know you are gonna lose those 20 lbs but your body and soul craves to look good TODAY. We have to love and reward ourselves and bodies for what they have ALREADY accomplished!! We are already behind in the accolades for services already rendered and it is Time to PAY UP and Pay it Forward!!
Recently the hubby posted a great quote about Big Butts & those who love big butts…”Trust anyone who loves Big Butts for they cannot lie”.
I laughed so hard because…
Truth be told I Finally know what my Ass-ets are!!
And I cannot Lie…
And by that I mean I HATE them!
Yep I used the “H” word and I mean it to the 10th degree!!
Having a friendship with an adult is like hanging out with a teenager all day and night. You’re having sooooo much fun sharing, caring and wearing matching bracelets and then BAM someone says something stupid in the hall ( doesn’t even have to be you) but it triggers a series of unfortunate events. Miss understood texts, talking in the locker room and well somehow you get dumped, blamed and well you NEVER know what happened. Remember those days? But fortunately as a teenager …your mom or a teacher or another friend gets wind of the Shakespearean comedy of errors and sits you down and sets the record straight while you all listen to Taylor Swift. Then you all cry and fish the bracelets out of the garbage and say what a dofus you’ve been. And the sun shines and the birds sing and well…you’ve seen the movie!!
But we are not Teenagers nope. In the Adult world it all looks mighty different. In the adult world. You don’t get the promotion, the locks change, the email’s stop, the book club goes on without you. Oh and you are not invited to their kids next birthday party…which by the way is happening at the Kids play space that you regularly take your kids toooooo….AKWARD!
And do you know WHY all of this is happening???? Huh?????
NO….Noooooo You Don’t!!!
Ok Ok maybe after you hit your head on the concrete a number of times you might have a vague shadowy recollect of something that should have been nothing…but hmmmm could that be it? Nahhhh…yeahhhh????
AND do you know WHY you don’t know for sure ? Drumroll please…..
Because no one wants to TALK. The absolute gripping fear of confrontation ( talking things out) Kills 95% of Adult Friendship.
Yep it’s that simple…. no one wants to talk about the shit and the ugh and the hurt and the pain and the stuff. No one wants to confront the uncomfortable-ness that comes with being a person and living a life. No one wants to make a mistake or be seen as someone who has flaws. In order to keep Adult friendships alive ( I have studied the mating rituals of this species) you need to either have an Alien mind meld ( You Absolutely agree with each other on all aspects of life here and beyond). OR be equal parts “Easy going” muscle relaxant style “. “Blind (Mob Style) ” oh and Numb (that gash…oh please can’t even feel it).
But let’s just say you are one of “those ” people who wanna “talk” wants to know. You can’t just “go along with the rules”!
And if by some chance you corner the person to talk and yes I do mean corner them. Just to “talk” and you know “clear the air”. Cuz things (birthday party…book club…girls night outs) are not what they used to be. As in you are no longer invited.
Yep they smile and lie. “Oh no nothings wrong…just been busy” You know kids, work, school, Bob, Mom…blah blah blah. And there is no Taylor Swift song and there is no fishing the bracelet out of the garbage and well you end up feeling like why oh why did I even ASK. Ugh!
Or they lie and say nothing is wrong and start doing passive aggressive stuff like “forgetting to put your name on the list or mention that you were interested in being on that committee or the invitation must of got lost in the mail. Really!! And this happens so often you can’t decipher when the invitation Really is lost in the Mail. Argh!
OR and this is my favorite…you have a come to Jesus talk they tell you everything. You laugh you talk you cry. And then they avoid you like the plague because now you know their secrets and well they can’t bear to see you and (the secrets again). Like… if I tell you… I’ll have to kill you GodFather Style. Sigh!
You know when we were kids. When we knew why sweet shy Sarah started skipping school and smoking in the bathroom with the older kids and sleeping with the football team. We knew that her parents had gotten a divorce and the dad remarried and he doesn’t come around anymore. We knew that her mother started to drink and that she cries at night. We still talk to her on weekends when her Grandmother brings her to the same church you go to. She admits she’s sad and being “stupid” with all those boys but she’s pissed at her dad. We still see her as she really is. We talk and laugh about happier times. We are happy for her when her mother gets a new job and meets a nice guy. And we couldn’t be prouder when she starts coming to school with a scrubbed face and pig tails again.
Remember those days.
But as an adult we don’t know what happened to each other prior to starting this new job…moving to this new town…joining the same mommy and me class. Instead we get to “know” the person we see at the school bake sale and the kids soccer games. We might have some play dates with the kids or go out to a Happy Hour. And we might start to notice that they never mention the town they were in before. Or that they can Never go out after the PTA meeting (something about the husband liking you home) or they don’t talk about their first marriage or they drink a little too much.
And we all have a choice.
To get to “know” them better or just let this new info float along on the breeze….All easy going like…
And this choice becomes less conscious and more about survival the more hurt and confusion we suffer at the hands of so called “friends”. If enough Friend-grenades go off in your face. Well you just don’t wanna “know” anymore. We just wanna “get along” have a “nice” time and not “spoil” everything. So we live a life of almost friendship. It’s kinda toddler style. We do things side by side but we don’t “Share”. We don’t wanna risk (being pummeled in the head with a rattle).
We smile and bake and cry in private. We suffer from misunderstanding and half told truths. We share a laugh over our kids heads in line and we tell “all about our day” in the bleachers. When it goes wrong when we hurt or get hurt…Well we just join another class or sign up for another committee or move.
We are the walking wounded. Hurting and being hurt. Unconsciously and sometimes on purpose. It’s all just horrifying.
I find this kinda life Sucky and crazy uncomfortable and yucky and icky. Kinda like half living. All of this NO INTIMACY Makes me wanna Holla!! Yeah I’m besties with my hubby and my kiddies are “my life” but Seriously!!
I am Raging against the machine. I have decided not to learn” this lesson. I have decided that it is better to love and have loss then to not have loved at all. It is better to know. It is better to be KNOWN. It is better to go in deep and live full and free.
Now don’t get me wrong I do all of this oh so carefully these days. The years of friend – grenades going off have left their mark I must admit. I have little or no patience for small talk and being with people that I feel no organic connection. I am not interested in agreeing about the weather and being with the “cool” crowd…who even knows what that means anymore.
I want to “feel” something I want to be connected to like minded people. I want to dance, travel, laugh and cry. I want to talk about stuff that matters I wanna smell the roses. I want to encourage and be encouraged. I want the space to be honest and full and Me…tiara and all.
Because If the grenade goes off… I wanna have been reaching for soul intimacy.
Live Big or Go Home….
Are you a Voyeur? I hope so because I’m about to take you on my Friday Fantasy World of intrigue and make believe… Ok I’ve gone too far It’s Friday and I thought it would be fun to share my alternate Universe Fantasy Friday… Whaaa ha haaaaa ( sorry that’s a Halloween Scary voice)
Absolutely no Judgement in reading …it’s my fantasy.
So the day starts with my own personal Meditation Guru sounding the gong and aligning my chi in my private OM sanctuary ….the candles flicker as the bamboo sways ( cue the soft yogi music). I vibrate with the feeling of Peace, Calm and Oneness…
Finished and re-calibrated on my “Mission of Personal Greatness” Whooohoooo!!
I join my personal trainer “Tracy Anderson” who takes me through my paces in my home gym. ( Cue Rick Ross and “I’m a Boss”) blasting from the speakers.
Finished I run upstairs (dream home moment) Cue the slow motion anything by Beyonce and halo lights.
I enter the children’s wing of the house. They are already stirring and starting to put on their clothes…beds are made and they are in great co-operative Morning Moods!! (Shhhh no input please)
We laugh and I help them into their clothes ( I picked them out they approve) we smell the yummy smells of breakfast floating up the stairs. Whiffs of Fresh coffee brewing and hmmmm I think that’s organic bacon sizzling must be a pancake, egg whites morning. Oh and yes there it is the whirring of the blender as my green drink is lovingly prepared. (Cue Florence from the Brady Bunch)
Kissing the kiddies on the head I proceed to my wing of the house. Where my handsome hubby (yep same one he happens to be my fantasy already) is just coming back from a morning run. All glistening with our morning work out we embrace and passionately kiss as he rubs my just worked out buns of steel. I pull away…no time for that …but then plant a quick furtive kiss just to let him know the evening promises more ….from where that came from. ( Cue heavy sigh followed by “I still got it hmmm hmm”)
After showering I sit to have my hair blown and styled and makeup done for the day…by yes you guessed it Professional Hair and Makeup Folk …I don’t know they names yet.
Coiffed and dressed I join the family for breakfast as we share “Family fun moments”.
Piling into my Hybrid Range Rover ( no they don’t have one yet) I drop the kids off at school and hug and kiss them and remind them “Grandma & Grandpa are picking them up to take them for the weekend” (i say “Grandma& Grandpa” loosely casting still to be determined). They whoop and squeal in delight. And for those who are wondering the aforementiond “Grandma & Grandpa” keep clothes and everything they need at their place so there’s never any need to pack)!! Ha! (Cue the you betta do it music.)
I drive to my Production offices on the Paramount lot where I greeted by my assistant and my head of Productions. They brief me on my day. I then proceed to have back to back high powered meetings regarding my “Shows” on the air my “Films” in the works and my “Book deals”. All items are “rating giants”, “getting the green lights” and in “final edit”. Whooohooo!! I leave my assistant with notes to Hire Hire HIRE. Say yes to 3 speaking engagements ( I do them for young people for free) and set up a meeting to look over the plans for the school we are building.
I then zip off to meet my Besties for lunch Kerry Washington, Beyonce, and Gwyneth Paltrow at an organic unassuming location. The subject “Girl Domination, World Up liftment and of course FASHION” Whooohooo!! No soundtrack needed…Beyonce is at the table!! Oprah calls in and reminds us that we are all meeting her in Cabo at the One & Only for the weekend.
Fast forward to me and the hubby on a moonlit beach in Cabo. Swaying to the music of Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, Jill Scott Adele, (they decided to come down also)
We look loving into each others eyes….we throw our heads back and laugh in complete bliss kiss we can’t believe we get to live this LIFE!!
Ok so this post is not for everyone…gonna say that right off the bat.
It’s opinionated and you can be offended (depending on how you feel right now) But it is me ranting and it is my blog so deal with it or stop reading!
I’m oh so tired of being asked “where am I going?” on any given day because of how I am dressed? As in I got dressed! Many think it is dressed up but for me it’s truly how I like to show up in the world. It’s not being phony or fake or vain it’s caring enough to send my very best me out into the world every day. It’s something my grandmother and mother taught me along with wearing clean underwear ( you never know what might happen in a day). I truly believe clothes do not make you “who” you are but they are the first “representative” that people see before you even speak.
I walk in the world largely as someones mom and someones wife. Well guess what I’m still a singular ME.
Somewhere along the way after Betty Draper wore pearls to kiss Don Draper at the door ( Mad Men reference) We Moms have let go of the idea of tending to ourselves. As if to say the more dishelved we are the more we must Love our kids. I’m calling Bull Sh$%t! Taking care of ourselves is essential to how we feel and how we FEEL effects just about everything in our lives. We dress our kids with care and we think it reflects how we care about them. Well guess what it does! So the same holds true for you. And loving ourselves and taking care of ourselves is a wonderful thing for our kids to mirror later on.
Cuz hey we matter too!!
And think about this we are essentially spending our youth caring for our kids. By the time they leave our house in (5-10-15 years) You will be…well you do the math. Now are you really gonna wait till then… to “Find the Time” ….to get a new dress, heck a new wardrobe, buy some new shoes, buy some fancy face cream, try a new haircut, have a massage, get your nails done, go out for a date night, or a girls night out… or dance into the night. Please live your life!!
Which brings me to my next point…
We Are Not OLD… I repeat we are NOT OLD! You know how I know. Cuz the elderly get discounts and tax credits and special parking spaces. I don’t get any of these. Do You? So until I do I’m retaining my right to be comfortably youthful with a twist of wisdom. I suggest you do the same.
Which brings me to my last point. You are not getting out of this Alive. NO matter what you do or don’t do who you love or don’t love. What dreams you go for or not. This is all ending up in the same place…the grave. With that in Mind. Go For IT!!! Dance class, Painting, blogging, starting your own business, continuing your education, wearing a thong, heels or a bathing suit!! Do It !! No matter what It is. No matter if people think you are dumb or stupid or ridiculous or past the “time” when you “should” be doing this kinda thing. Or dreaming these kinda dreams or desiring this kind of thing.
Who Freakin Cares!!
It’s Your Tiara and YOU Got the Right to WEAR IT!!
A Love Orgy!!
A Day put aside for Love…
Not for shootin, killin’, destroying….Not for police stake outs and stand offs…
“Nobody got no time for that!”
Today is about spreading the Love and sharing it.
I know I know they have advertised it…to the hilt!!
It cost a months salary and reservations made back in June.
But I’m not talking about Valentines Day….
I’m talkin about Love Day!
I’m talking about Love on your kids day. Tell your momma you appreciate her day. Dress up for your man day. Pick flowers for your wife day. Write a poem for your spouse day!
I’m talking about REAL LOVE!!!
Give a dollar to a homeless person today. Tell a teacher you think they are great today. Smile at a stranger today!
Get Butt Naked!
No voyeurs on this day. No cynics today… there is always tomorrow. But for today No excuses for not showing us a flash of skin….a slip of a thigh a accidental on purpose wardrobe malfunction. I want it All!
Look there is still time. Yep right now pull out a piece a paper fold it in half cut out a heart….put your name on it…along with the words “You Rock glad you are on the Planet”! Pick some flowers…side of the road will do. Get a bottle of sparkling water (pour out the water) Put flowers inside! You are ready for some random love.
Happy Love day to someone anyone!
Give Full Frontal Today People….!!!
What does the World need Now….!!!
Yep you got it!!
Ooooo what’s that smell my 5 year old asks as he tumbles into the back seat of our rental “cuz our car’s in the shop” car. I take a big sniff myself and smile. Oh I tell him that’s the smell of a brand new car. Hmmm he says inhaling again as he buckles himself in. “I like that smell, it smells good”. Now this is coming from a kid who is slightly obsessed with all things new. When he receives a new toy he carries it around in the packaging for a few days. And just when he can’t stand it anymore…he carefully pries it free. But not willing to go all the way. He then carries around the toy with the packaging. Is it to assure himself that it is indeed “still new”? One step further and he plays with said toy… very carefully. Careful less it gets a scratch or goodness forbid bent. But alas how much fun can be had in all this careful play? Not a lot. So with inner urgings full to bursting he finally let’s go and let’s it ripppp
… Zipping and Zooming through the day.
I love love this phase because it is only with this type of abandon this type of freedom that you can really see what this toy can do!! Watching him get past the superficial into the real is priceless.
I go on to tell him that there are even sprays for you to re-create that “new car smell” in your old car. Hmmm he says as he mulls that over. Not sure if he thinks that’s any good or not. Finally he declares “yeah mommy that’s great I loved my old jet with the blue tail wing do you remember it mommy” Yes I say. Remembering what a fit he had when the wing had fallen off after a fateful air battle with a friend. Well he says “I wanted a new one but really If you could just spray that spray on it then it would be New again and then you wouldn’t have to buy me a new one.” “Wouldn’t that be great mommy”? I’m realizing he’s decided to have amnesia over the fact that I have not promised to buy him another one at all. But hey that’s besides the point. Yes I agree that would be great.
All of this reminded me about all of the hype over the “New Year”. Some people love the idea of becoming resolute once more. A fresh start, a blank page, a new beginning. Others become anxious and annoyed over the prospect. Resolutions and goals? Seriously it’s just the day after the 31st no more no less. Plus, why set all those goals again only to break them. Aren’t I just setting myself up to fail? The failing is just too much to take. They feel the need to be “careful” with all this newness.
I noticed that as I approached the new year I had become one of the later. I was nervous and downright scared of the prospect of a whole new year a blank canvas presenting itself again. This came as a surprise to me…scared? Why was I scared? I had always been apart of the New Year cheerleading squad. I loved to hit the ground running in the New Year . Starting off with a mind bending cleanse. Where for the good of my internal organs…I wanted to eat sand… I was so hungry. Then I’d do triple meditation. Where I was really only thinking about how good sand would taste right now. Top that off with a rigorous new work out and an unrelenting work list and well I was good to go! Straight into a Hell of My own Making that Is!! I was burnt out by March, with 9 more months of making it happen… to go.
The prospect of this repetition was making me paralyzed as the countdown ticked away. Each day was like a slow motion ball drop in Time Square, minus Dick Clark and The Black Eyed Peas! Aaaaahhh I was falling fast. And it was ruining my celebration. This just wouldn’t do.
Oh if only I had a can of “New Again” spray. I would spray a good dose on all life situations that had become stale, tarnished or just plain ole broken. One good spray could render me “Brand New Again” no rememberence of old heart ache grief and sadness over life not going right. Or at least according to me!
Sadly I went into my meditation on the 29th. Trying to work up the energy to do what I must.
When all of a sudden it happened. I saw in a instant through the chaotic fog of my mind the “Easy” button sold at Staples. You know the one it’s red and round and you push it… and well nothing happens except you remind yourself to take it easy.
Seriously that guy must have made millions on a thing that doesn’t even require batteries.
But it works!
In the pea soup of my soul I pushed with all of my might the “EASY” button.
And immediately I relaxed.
I opened up and re- focused my Inner Eye, to a Life and a Year that I’d never seen before. Seen through eyes that don’t take into account all of the pasts grievencess and perceived failings and missed opportunities of the years before. They are after all her-story.
All of this opened me up to the “Brand New-ness of life”
I was Re-charged, Fear-free and Brand New!
I breazed through a Juice cleanse and lively meditations. Incorporated healing Yoga and nature enriching hikes. I lost pounds and baggage and It all felt so free and easy!
With batteries charged I was ready to enter my New Year.
Ready to let go and play free. Not afraid of the bumps and bruises that are sure to come in a life well lived. But willing to go full out and even when I fall to pick myself up dust off and start … Anew…not just Again!
New car smell and All!!
It’s hot and my energy is low and I’m feeling around for the plug to plug in my phone. My hands search for the place that it should but I’m not finding it. So then I go on a true search as my anger mounts. Usually this is not such a big deal. It’s all in the day of being a mommy. The kids have probably taken the plug to plug in their various games and toys and have left it somewhere among their stuff .
But right now the locust are upon me and my ” things don’t bother me pile” is over flowing into the “don’t fu&*$ with me basket”!
Straw meet camel.
Did I mention that I’m also plagued with the inability to see. I’m not talking about the I wear contacts and glasses kind of I can’t see and ( yes I wear those too). I’m talkin bout even with said contacts in -or glasses – on I see thru a glass smeared in vasaline…I’m in a Kandisky painting and it’s not one of the pretty ones.
But this inability to see is totally trumped by the fact that they are also running and blood shot. It’s official.
I am a Hot Mess!
After a trip to the eye doctor I come home with a wad of prescriptions and a totally unsatisfactory name for what is plaguing me. “Dry Eye”. What the Hell? I need a name like one of the ones they use for all of the 101 new drugs they want us to “Ask our Doctor about” . You know a hip cool concern inducing name like Eyeretoniosis! Yeah that feels about right hard to pronounce and you definitely feel a get well card might be waranted.
But dry eye does nothing to express the misery I feel as I shield my eyes from the slightest of light and skulk around in dark sunglasses like someone out of Twilight.
“Come out side to play mommy?”
Sorry kids I can’t… I have dry eye.
This along with just enough energy to get me through the morning …has me feeling down right concerned.
What is happening to me?
I google the symptoms.
I don’t recommend this!
According to them I need a Will and great insurance.
I go to the Doctors not the dry eye one the other one. And they take blood…seems like lots of it! I remind them that my energy is low…maybe I can’t spare that much blood. They smile and keep drawing.
Another unsatisfactory report.
According to your blood work you are fine…as far as I can see. Is he looking at me the “the hot mess”?
He asks…”Are you under a lot of stress”?
I arrive home with nothing… no news worthy of the “situation” that is me.
My husband takes my hand as I walk in the door rambling on.
“Sit down” he says as he hands me a glass of water.
I sit and talk.
I drink and talk.
“Lie down” he says.
I lie down talking.
Close your eyes.
I close my eyes as I continue to speak of my plight.
I become quiet.
Now he says “rest yourself”.
A completely foreign Idea.
He strokes my head as he speaks of me in foreign terms…
“You are Perfection…Magical and Amazing. Your strength is dazzling and your beauty is divine… Your creativity blows me away….
“I am humbled by your vision of life and our future”
I quietly listen.
I allow the words to cover me like a cool compress to the head. To relieve the raging heat of the “gotta get stuff done- ers” To quiet the riot that is me…missing my mark!
I see myself “clearly” through my Beloveds Eyes!
And I am Perfect and Luminous because I am Loved!
All 5’4 and quarter inches of the Mess that I am…right now.
And in that moment I know I will be fine no matter what google says.
I Know that this Love this kind of being Loved!
Will make me well again…
A tear falls…
Something in me uncoils…
I relax as I slip into healing sleep!
Aaaahhhh the power of Love!!
A quiet nobody needs you moment. No calls to return moment .
A long morning stretching into a long afternoon and l o n g n i g h t…. moment.
Where I catch myself staring into the baby blue abyss of nothing ness as my toes sink into white sand, and the sweat drops from my 3rd margarita… moment.
Hmmm sorry did you say something….
I’m looking for one of those dinner magically appeared moments …come to think of it so did breakfast and lunch yep like magic just kinda out of the blue moments.
And I truly am sorry but I need a don’t call mommy moment.
A… I just sat down but now you need one more thing…but I don’t have to get it moment.
Where I kinda just watch you being cared for and then we laugh and chat…mommy moments.
Hmmmm what kinda moment is that…oh yeah “Having Help” moments.
Where I can enjoy you but someone else takes care of your moment to moment…Moment !
I need that.
That’s what I need.
But until that moment … there is this one.
The one where this day is almost done and I have figured it out again moment.
Where my house is clean and the kiddies are played with and fed and put to bed…Lordy…thank you moment.
This quiet… free of laughter and play and strife and yearning and doing and list..ing … Moment.
I have done this.
I didn’t fall down on the job today moment.
I worked my body and my mind today moment.
I answered the emails and the texts and calls today moment.
I kept my spirits up today moment.
This Now moment where I’m gonna sit down as the fan whirs and the kiddies sleep and the hubby cuddles and the night falls moment.
I have been working myself to the corners! All the corners of my life are filled.
From the get up with the kids and the meals and the snacks and the rubbed faces and the clothes and the breakfast and the backpack and the wave goodbye at the door.
To the water and the meditate and the cardio barre and the shake.
To the sweeping and cleaning and scrubbing and wiping and washing.
To the calls and appointments and meetings and emails …and calls.
To the tweeting and texting and blogging and writing…and writing.
To the pick up and homework and dinner and talking and playing.
To the goodnight stories and hugging and kissing and tucking.
To the emails and texting and posting and writing.
All the corners
So as I drug myself to run this morning I could feel the steam rising from my skin my head my finger tips!
I’m pissed off
Where is my SHIT!!!
Where is the effort reward ratio!!
I mean REALLY… !!!
Then somewhere in the second mile I began to laugh.
No not all of a sudden.
It started off as a quicker pace. Then a twitch in my belly. Then a eye raise …then a smirk.
Then a full Laugh!!
I am RUNNING… Pissed Off!!
I’m not lying in my bed letting the covers absorb my pity party. Or eating my pity with a side of donuts. Or being further drug down by inactivity and FOX News.
To all that would try to get me down.
As a middle finger to any thought in my mind that I am not loved and supported.
To put on notice any thought that says that I AM not enough that what I am doing is not of importance.
I am Running!
And as my stride lengthens.
A kinda peace sets in.
My shoulders feel lighter and my head clearer.
An attitude of Gratitude fills my corners.
My Husband, My Children, My House, My Love, My Life.
Pushes the corners and expands them till I have room….
To See that
I am Still Running!
You Glow Girl 🙂
Ok Beautiful People AZ has given me permission to post the basic rules. He will be avail to speak to us via email and Skype at some point during our journey. Plus I will be posting our awesome Q&A here on the site soon 🙂
This is an excerpt of his book http://www.thegameondiet.com It is not ALL The RULES and I Highly recommend Buying the book it is only $10.19 Yay!!!
So here are the Rules!
The Game is played for 4 consecutive weeks.
Please weigh yourself at the beginning of the Plan. This number is for you alone.
You should weigh yourself once a week on the same day in the morning to track your weight loss. If weight is not your focus. Find another way to track…let’s say endurance or tone in your body. Pictures are worth a thousand words 🙂
A perfect day is worth 100 points in includes
-30 meal points- You earn 6 points per meal for eating 5 fully sanctioned meals . No snacks between meals (see book)
-20 Exercise points. By doing 20 min of exercise per day
-10 water points- Drinking 3 litters per day (abt 10 glasses)
-15 sleep points- By sleeping a min of 7 hours per night
-20 transformation Points- 10 for practicing one new healthy habit ( ie meditation) 10 for eliminating 1 old unhealthy habit (negative thoughts)
-5 communication points- by being in contact with one teammate and one opponent(text, email,phone calls count)
Each week, each player gets one meal off in addition to one day off. The meal off and day off may be taken at any time during a given week. They may not be saved and carried over into another week.
Your day off includes a respite from all rules. This respite may be spread throughout the week ( ie Mon u can be water off – Tues habits off – Wed can be sleep off etc. Or one day you take all of them off.
Bonus Points- 10 points are earned for turning in scores on time
10 points lost for snacking between meals
20 points lost if you have any collusion between team mates- Basically cheating of any sort. Come on Let’s be honest and get the most out of this time.
25 point penalty per portion of alcohol ie one glass of wine one glass of beer. Alcohol may be consumed freely on day off.
For Rest of Rules and penalties please see the Game On Diet Website! http://www.gameondiet.com
My daughters birthday is coming up in a couple of days and with all of the prep and getting ready for the fun I am invariably asked the question “what does she want for her birthday”? Well as the mom I come up with all kinds of roundabout lists of what “I want for her”. More books some new tops, a hoola hoop (both of us want that) some new crayons. And the things I don’t want please oh please no small plastic toys! Ok so I don’t actually say that. But I’m screaming that in my head. Especially when I’m looking at said plastic toy discarded underneath the couch 2 days later. “Little play ponies” teeny tiny fake comb never to be found again…until of course we move or we break “Little Pony”! Or I throw him in the trash. Yes I have been known to do such a thing.
Now if you have the pleasure of asking my daughter what she wants. She with out fail – with a slur only a little toothless mouth can produce, say “the ability to fly”! Much to my complete laughter and awe I have listened to her tell Santa the Easter Bunny and write it out for the tooth fairy and anyone else who comes bearing gifts.
The Ability to Fly!
There it is as simple as can be and as delightful and unanswerable as they come. I love to watch the responses. From the stutter. To the laugh. To the justification of just how…they might be able to contribute to such a feat. Flying in an airplane. No not the same she declares. Jumping out of said airplane – Oh no why would anyone do that she states non plussed.
But the reaction I love the most is the big grin and delighted clap of hands
as the person expresses how they too used to want that ability.
Aaaahhh the Joy of a shared experience. It gives the most satisfaction.
When I was a child I really used to think that I could fly. I’d wake from such vivid flying dreams that I was sure Tinker Bell or her step cousins – sister had sprinkled me with fairy dust. If only I didn’t toss and turn so much at night. There would be enough to give me a little flutter flight boost in the day.
One could think that this is just the whimsy of a child. But I am sure that if asked most of us really don’t even know what our hearts desire is. That isf course past a break from work or a nap. Or a vacation or a break from work with a nap.
But that is just momentary.
Your hearts delight and desire is much deeper than that.
Right now my heart is set a flutter with the thought of a trip around the world. A crazy glamorous trip culminating in living in a exotic place for a year and immersing myself in their culture.
Aaaahhh whew there… it’s out!
How long has it been since you have asked for what you really want. With out fear of sounding ridiculous?
Or even just admitted it to yourself. In a small corner of your mind. The honest unadulterated truth of just what you want.
I believe the ability to fly is not the only thing my child wants. She desires to express herself and speak her truth unencumbered.
I shall do that today.
Desire my trip around the world. Without thought to how impossible it is and where would the money come from and what babysitter would come with us on such a crazy adventure, because we would want a date night…and how and where would the money come from…did I say that already!
Just the Desire is enough….
Sometimes creating the life you always imagined is daunting and down right challenge ridden. But looking at the challenges in a new way is a great brain trick. Athletes are a constant example of going beyond what you think can be done. A pure example of stereotypes, records and doubts being shattered.
I mean look at Jeremy Lin.
The wonderfully unexpected! In his heart he is just being the best “Lin” he can be. He has no pre conceived notions of what he can or cannot do. He knows that the sky is the limit we are just the Witness to the unfolding of his potential.
What greatness is in You waiting to be tapped?
Will Smith has been quoted as saying ” Reading and Running” is a great way to evoke change and charge your spirit. I totally agree. Any problem you can think of has been experienced by another and they have written about it. And of course the idea of training your mind to go further and do more is the running example.
I feel this first hand when practicing Yoga. I love how the mind body connection shows you just how strong you are and who is really in charge… our minds.
There is a position chaturanga that is basically a “Push Up”. It is a constant part of Yogi vinyasa. Chaturanga to plank, chaturanga to plank you hear the instructor call out. As your arms start to shake and your mind screams no way not another one. A wonderful instructor once said, ” Now push the ground away. ”
Wow! Something deep inside me clicked.
I mean i couldn’t do another push up …but i could push the ground away!
Get out there.
Push yourself further ask more from… you.
No chin ups for you Pull down the SKY!!
You know the constant burn in your heart for the latest and greatest. The intoxicating gaze that follows the new issue of your favorite magazine as you cut and paste yourself into the newest trend. The idyllic searching on zillow for your dream house…when.
Oh what a kind stillness that has been.
Now during this hiatus of want I have been busy- very busy Creating and Doing and Being.
Creating… a short film whoohoo for me and my chocolate boy wonder.
Doing… a bang up job of being a parent… thank you God for the strength and the patience for my dear younguns.
Being… a veritable sponge of insight and spiritual Growth. Thank you Dr. Beckwith you are a marvel.
I guess with all of this activity the art of wanting of things, has just had no air to breath.
Doing – Silence
But as the breeze cools off and the days become shorter i find myself slightly breathless over a new Chloe bag on Gilt.
Maybe there is just a season for wanting…
Just when I was beginning to feel a bit virtuous over my tag free closet.
Well then it’s time for the money to flow…
Cuz the season of Acquiring is fast upon me.
Don’t forget to clean your closets first.
i know I just couldn’t resist.
Happy Fall Shopping!
But after that I think of SUMMER! Lazy hazy hot days and the necessity for less clothes and more skin. You know what time it is..It’s time to get that body ready for the bikini, beach and shorty short shorts.
After giving my body the once over I decided my complaints were mainly with my legs ( ok yes there were many other things but let’s stick with one thing at a time) I have some spider veins, dry flaky skin (no matter the lotion) and imperfections that are making me pout. After checking with my wallet spider vein intervention via a Derms office was ruled out. 🙁 So I went looking for the next best thing and I think I found it!
I have been using Peter Thomas Roth’s “Anti-aging Body Wash” for a couple of weeks now. OMG I love this stuff!!! The hubby has been forbidden to use even a drop. You know that the Holy Grail of New Smooth Youthful skin is to get rid of the Ashy, Scaly old Stuff. Thus the adage to buff, slough, peel, scrub any way you can, whatever product you choose. It needs to get off the old in order to get into the new. This product uses “glycolic acid and salicylic acid” to accomplish that very task. Amidst a heavenly scent and loads of vitamins and Viola smother younger looking skin.
But hey the proof is in the using and So Far So Great!
So on to tackle the other unsightly’s the veins and other marks. Well sun kissed bronzy legs hide a world of imperfections. Self tanners no matter the skin color are out there on the market and they are targeting legs more than anything. I Just started using Lancome Flash Bronzer ( it was a gift with purchase for Mother’s Day). Smooth on a little at night like you would your lotion a couple of nights a week. You wake up to browner more even toned skin in the morning. I noticed a difference after one night but maybe that’s my excitement haze 🙂
Stay tuned… I’ll keep you up to date…I’m so excited.
Mini skirt here we come!
Sooo It’s official my birthday Month and week are so very ON!!! And I am excited. I love that no matter what is going on in my life and no matter the age I am turning…( I admit I felt it was all over at 28yr old) there is a little light that goes off in my head and the confetti pops off and the champagne starts flowing any ole way!! It’s great to feel that way. It’s almost a relief to let the light forces take over and power my trip for awhile. I am alive another year. It’s my own personal New Year where I get to celebrate who I am and what I am creating. Yes the creation list is long and can be a bit of a downer ,but It really makes me feel like another day another chance to “Rock it how I want to”!!
So Happy New Year… Happy New Day to me!!
“Oh it’s All About Consistency… no wonder the shit don’t work!” Dahn Elle
Consistency -” Compatibility harmony between things, acts or statements” Websters.
How often have you stopped doing something because you hadn’t seen any results?
How long were you doing it for?
“I want to be fit”…” I want great skin” I want to keep love in my life” ” I want to be successful”. The Wanna list goes on and on. But in order to “Be” those things we have to “Do” the things that are compatible with that statement!
You wanna be fit? Then you got to get up and run, walk do something. Consistently.
You wanna keep the Love alive? Make the time to get out enjoy one another, talk, laugh…have sex oh yes make love….Consistently!
I have discovered that being consistent is one of the most difficult tasks I have Ever encountered in my Whole Life!! Will power is so fleeting. Having the endurance to focus truly day in and day out is completely mind boggling in it’s impracticality.
But yet it is required. Or at least it is completely Necessary …MOST of the time. Ask any athlete, musician, designer,painter how often they work on their craft.
We all know Practice makes Perfect. If not Perfect it sure makes Better!
Look at your daily routine… because it is a true testament to what you want and what you are willing to do to get it.
And also a testament to what you say you want…but hey you’re not ready to be consistent about it…at least not yet!
And that’s where support comes in. Having people you incorporate in your life to help you be accountable for the things that require so much effort on your part.
I have always been pretty motivated person but I also know when I need help or a little push.
A year and a half after I had my second child I was still not at my goal weight and decided to try Jenny Craig. What a wonderful dream it was. Apart from the teeny tiny portions:-) I loved the idea that someone spelled out for me what I was supposed to eat and no more. Even telling me the times I was supposed to eat them. Brilliant …There was a Plan to help support my desire to lose the weight.
Check out those areas in your life that you might need another perspective, a little more structure or an extra boost and reach out and make that happen.
IT will Enhance your Life!
Here is to …Getting Fly with a Little Help from My Friends…
I love clothes always have Always will. I love how they make you feel, from uplifting to somber to playful! I love that they speak for you before you can even open your mouth. Hmmmm conservative, Goth, Soo chic, ooooh so sexy! And I love how you can open your mouth and contradict all that your clothes have just said. How awesome! How fun. How Useful.
Most of us feel like we don’t know what to do with this covering of our nakedness. Like we just throw on whatever is comfortable and whatever we are used to because it hurts our heads to try to make sense of it all.
Well in this edition of how I do what I do I will share how I do with my clothes. I first of all look at magazines avidly and I decide who dresses people that I like how they dress. I like how Zoe Saldana dresses both Glam and everyday wear. I see who dresses her. Yes they are designers that don’t fit my pocket book. Then I find what are the real elements of her style. Great jeans, easy tanks, lots of layers, simple scarves a great cut. And I then shop my closet for those pieces. Once I find out what I’m missing I look out for those items. Along the way I automatically find stores that usually stock items I love and I find sales people who are honest and if you are lucky even inventive. So instead of coming out looking like a Zoe wannabe you look like a really cool rendition of yourself.
Then there is the uniform. This is just seasonal. For summer this year I was all about short sun dresses, last year it was all long ones. This winter it has been all about close fitting bottoms tall boots, tanks, cardigans and great scarves. I’m pretty much in a different variation of the same thing everyday.
One last rule…. Black for night is so very NOT! You really just fade into the Night! Color color Color… Will always be remembered!
It’s So You!! Sexy Stand out Goddesses that you Are!!
Here’s to a stylish weekend!!
I almost never drink my calories. I don’t even drink fruit juice very often. And definitely no soda’s or coffee drinks. If I do a coffee drink I still get it sans the sugar. I like to save those calories for the fun things that I get to chew so pretty much I stick to water and tea.
I am a big snacker so I make sure that I don’t stock things in the house that I am not allowed to eat. I also make sure that I keep “good for me” snacks with me on the go. The usual mix is raw almond slivers pistachio’s ( i learned they are lower in fat content) pretzels and dried blueberries in a baggie…yum 🙂 I can eat my weight in hummus Lord don’t put rice crackers and hummus in front of me I lose it! I shop for snack foods only at Trader Joe’s at least I am guaranteed to have little to no saturated fat. And they try to do the best groupings of natural products with out being crazy expensive like my ex best friend Whole Foods! Jesus knows I love that place but good Lord where is my wallet!
I Love Love Love Bread…. so I only eat whole wheat pita, corn tortilla’s and Ezekiel bread (sprouted grains no flour) at home. Ali calls it the cardboard bread, but that is what the whole family eats. All choices are easy on the calories and almost fat free! Please note out to dinner I will hog the fresh baked bread and olive oil so ask for your own portion thanks!
I limit deserts to weekends! This is a big one but it really works for me. Now weekends do start Friday night in case you didn’t know!
I drink a lot of green juice I buy the small pint of “essential greens” from Traders. Not the ones with the juice blend but only vegies… I know I know but it really does taste pretty good I call it “fresh”.
I take 2 to 3 supplements. 1 multi vitamin with minerals from New Chapter! Love them:-) and one fish oil tablet. I started that recently and so far so great. I also sometimes take a probiotic pill or mix a packet into a shake. That stuff is crazy weird but good for you:-)
I exercise 3 times a week. I would like to do more but with my schedule this is all I can manage consistently. Mon, Wed and Fri in the mornings after we drop the kids. I do a combination of Cardio Barre class once or twice a week and then a hike /run the other day! Cardio Barre is awesome and it also incorporates strength training yay! Plus I have to have pumpin’ music and this does it for me. I am also a avid Yogi but I just haven’t been into it lately so every now and then I take a class. I do not like gyms!! Ugh…. but I do like classes and the great outdoors! My problem areas are always thighs and tummy. Since having kids my tummy takes up more mind space then well pretty much anything… other than career and money oh and clothes…and Paris of course and let’s not forget those cute kids of mine and that Fine Man! Holy Cow!
Well there you have it! Me and my quirks in a nutshell!
Here’s to bags of Nuts and whole grains… Ooooh “WTF” why the face 🙂
Here’s to guilt free warm brownies and ice cream on the weekends!!!! Whoohoo:-)
A toast to Routines. All the things we do by rote and forget about it. Today I’m chatting about my beauty routine. First up I only wash my face with cold water! I’ve been doing it for maybe 6 years now. I don’t know where I got this beauty tip from but there it is, me and the cold water morning, noon and night. It’s supposed to help with keeping the face toned. I liked the sound of it, it made sense to me so there you have it. First thing in the morning after meditation I down two eight ounce glasses of room temp water with lemon. My acupuncturist always stressed to me the importance of drinking room temp. liquids. It is better for our bodies balance and digestion. My water consumption has to be first thing so that I have a chance to get it out of my system before I leave the house less than 2 hours later. This routine gets me hydrated and gets my system moving.
I can usually get dressed in 15min or less. Face is always wash, moisture, spf 30. Then bronzer, eyebrows, blusher, eyelids, lipgloss. I’ve been on a eyeshadow kick for a min now so a lot of time I skip the liner in favor of a sweep of green or gold on my lids. I think It gives your face a playful kick of color without trying to much.
I see a Dermatologist once a year. She gives me a light medical grade peel. Exfoliation is key. She checks for sun damage and zaps any moles that might have appeared over the year. Each year she goes over all the myriad of age fighting tools, techniques and procedures. I drool and listen…check my purse and my face:-) Aging is what it is so it’s nice to know all the options that are out there!
Here’s to putting our best Faces forward…
Tomorrow it’s on to the clothes!
So after my breathing and meditating made even deeper by fatigue and hunger:-) I stayed up with the hubby watching The Matrix! Such a kick ass deep movie! I started my day…well I went to the potty a couple of times…and well then I started my day. Yes I know a little to TMI but hey this is the Journey:-) Anyway after my shower and well Fab Clothes. I am wearing a very romantic vintage looking cream top and slim fitting brown jeggings…so cute. Red lips today and gold smudged eyelids brighten my i’m hungry and tired eyes! Oooh what a pop I feel better already! Plus I forgot to mention I got wispy sexy bangs (shout out to La Lisa my hairdesigner:-) …ooo it’s making me feel so sexy and kittenish! Hubby loves it wink wink.
Quick Fashion Tip- No all over black during these 21 days! You need things to brighten and “Frame” the New Day New Year!
Today is Thankful Tuesday. Every Tues during this 21 days is designated a special day of giving audible thanks!!! Thanks to the lady at the check out counter. A wave of thanks to the person who lets you into the line of cars at the exit! Special thanks to God for a beautiful tree! All day long you will be drenched in the sunlight of all that is Good and Right in the World.
If you’re not careful it Might begin a Trend of Good! Wow now wouldn’t that be something to be Thankful About!!
It starts. Skeletons and Pumpkins Pumpkins everywhere. Okay remove the scary ones. On to the sweet ones along with golden colored leaves. Okay done with that. Tree up day after Thanksgiving… okay not so much. Then Amazing elaborate Christmas decorating! OOooweeee Party Party Party. New Years comes round and its’ all coming to an end… Fast.
Now here is where it all gets a bit fuzzy. Christmas down before New Years? Argh I love the lights and my fire hazard tree! There should be a couple of grace days.. to well… take it all down.
Sat I had a couple friends in the fight. Sun only my bff the house across the street. Monday I was shamed. My lights no longer heralding some wonderful birth, some jolly old man. Nope just lazy neglect. I think I can hear whispering.
Christmas is down. Me and the kiddies and the hubby I might add are forlorn, relieved and well a little bit Hesitant!
I have no idea what wreath to put on the door….
There is a clean quiet hush…
Wait do I see a heart?