I was just wondering how well we are all doing on the #Sisterhood front?
We speak about it in hashtag form quit a lot on SM but if we all had a report card on how well we are really doing in our small groups of women I wonder how well we would fair?
At our jobs, schools, community! How kind, warm welcoming are we?
I have definitely had more than my fair share of friendship & female related heartache. In fact it’s been a pretty bumpy road in that regard in the last few years. I’ve often wondered what is it that creates chances for us to get it so wrong amongst one another.
The biggest issues that I’ve noticed is… We cliche up and keep out others.
We’re good as long as we agree.. Our ability to hear the truth when it isn’t pretty is kinda slim to nah
And the likelihood of being able to tell the truth to each other and still move past the conflict seems to be even slimmer.
And that’s just counting the times we actually talk about what’s bothering us. Most times we just grow apart neither willing to venture into an area of conflict.
After my breast cancer moment last year I went through a period of “feeling some kind of way” about how my community of women friends either stepped up or didn’t.
I spoke honestly to anyone who I felt warranted a conversation.
Some conversations went well others not so much.
I am fiercely in favor of healthy female interactions. I know that we are not all gonna be “Besties” that’s not the point. Rather it’s about the way we respect each other and encircle one another in the common ground we all share.
I challenge each of us to be brave enough to speak and hear truth from our women tribe. To move past our egos and dive into our insecurities and decide to not let them drive wedges to separate us. To be warm to other women even when we don’t know them.
We are all apart of a large and beautiful tribe #Womanhood
We are stronger together!
Have you noticed that the older the kids get the less you can fake the funk?
You can hide your inconsistencies your not sureness your relationships with your own self and others when they are babies but as they grow they learn the truth about who and what we are… human and #Flawed
My kids are old enough to know where I’m not solid and just what I’m really about. They know the face I show in public and the face I show at home and how they differ or are the same.
Do I talk the talk but not walk the walk? I remember when I realized that my Mom was unstable. She seemed so sure of herself and loomed larger than life for so long and then one day she took to her bed and ceased to be what I thought she was. I was 8 yrs old and I realized she was delicate and volatile smart and unpredictable all at the same time and I was afraid.
Afraid of what I now knew. As I grew up I learned how truly unpredictable and crazy adults could be and I vowed to be different.
As my children grow my deepest desire is for them to know me well and for them to know me to be stable and consistent loving but firm.
I strive to do the spiritual work that keeps my inconsistencies to a minimum. We all are growing (hopefully) until we pass into the next life. So change will be a constant but we can make that growth feel like expansion and not turmoil by doing the work.
The work of writing and reading prayer meditation and listening and being willing to be open and grow.
We won’t be perfect and thankfully it’s not a job requirement but we will be safe and loving and stable and I believe that’s what they need most!
Soooooooo when I wanted to become pregnant I devoured every tiny piece of information I could get my greedy little hands on to make this getting preggers process easy and successful. Hey I wanted a baby and I wanted it like NOW. Everything I found on the subject… said basically that everything I did, ate, listened to, felt, said, believed, thought effected the possibility of becoming pregnant.
Soooooo I ate healthy, I cut down stress, I did acupuncture, I meditated I prayed, I did a cleanse, I watched happy films I stayed around happy supportive people, I worked out, quit my friend Tracy and I got rest.
Sooooooo when I became pregnant (after 1 month, had a miscarriage then got pregnant again the next month) I devoured every tiny piece of information. Everything I could get my greedy little hands on about having a happy healthy pregnancy. Basically it said everything I did, ate, listened to, felt, said, believed, thought effected the baby. This tiny embryo of possibility that was growing inside of me. I wanted this tiny kernel to be the best kernel of yummy ever.
Soooooo I ate healthy, I cut down stress, I did acupuncture, I meditated I prayed, I did a cleanse, I watched happy films I stayed around happy supportive people, I worked out, quit my friend Laura and I got rest.
And then there she was. Happy, Healthy, Perfect. YAAAAYYYY I DID IT!!
Soooooooo when I wanted to raise this Baby Girl up to be the best baby girl ever. Everything I could get my hands on said… Basically it said everything I did, ate, listened to, felt, said, believed, thought effected MY BABY GIRL… OMGOOODNESS!!!!!
Well I made sure she ate healthy for the most part it gets kinda hard as they get older, birthday parties, commercials, homework, friends. I had to lose pregnancy weight twice and I tried a LOT of ways to do that ( diets and exercise and just not eating and lots and lots of exercise). I didn’t have so much time for me and I really liked Sarah Mclachlan and other moody melancholy singers so l listened to that a lot and cried. I felt depressed, fat and my friends Cheryl, Kim and Nancy all felt the same way. We hung out all the time and were pissed off over the state of our world, together. Until Cheryl got uppity and shanked us. I got lost in the” I don’t think I am good enough” sauce, my career will never happen, I can’t have the body I want. Kids are growing up too fast. I wonder if we can elect our first African American President and if we do what if people try to kill him and oh hell what is the the latest war, coup, disaster, eboloa, technology advancement gonna turn all our brains into gooo especially our kids. A.I. taking over the world, meat meat MEAT destroying our eco system, MOM being wicked, weird exclusive Mom cliques at school, online, everyfrickinwhere. Crazy racist cops killing our black sons, Masanto, MASANTO, Koch brothers, Plastic, CRAZY RACIST COPS KILLING OUR BLACK MEN, Sea World, The Zoo, polar ice caps melting….The brand new UTTER DISASTER IN THE WHITE HOUSE… CRAZY RACIST COPS KILLING OUR BLACK SONS AND MEN AND GETTING AWAY WITH IT… MY CAREER MY CAREER MY CAREER, KIDS, HUSBAND, LIFE, WORLD!!!
I got cancer
Sooooooo I eat healthy 90% of my food consumption is for important parts of my body like organs, heart, lungs, kidneys, skin you know stuff like that (olive and every other kinda frickin oil I can dip, dribble or rub, avocados, greens, brown rice, sprouted seed bread kinda stuff “Peak Foods”) and 10% is for my “bully tongue”always trying to get his way but Naw! (you only get 10% brownies, cookies, chips) END of food story period. I move my body (#30andDone) YouTube is Boss. I cut down on stress ( I stopped watching and reading every cycle of the news, counter news and commentary. NO I don’t know every tid bit of what is going on #ForestGump and I totally unplug one day a week). I see a Homeopath, I take herbs (email me) I meditate (Joe Dispenza)and I pray Every Single Day. I listen to all kinds of music mostly things that make me lose myself and DANCE HARD! I watch happy romantic, adventurous T.V and films (No shouting angry back biting, un dead,tyrant, rape pillage heavily surgery-upped fucking depressing t.v and films that show me a world gone to HELL in a hand basket I got enough of that in real life thank you). I listen to pod casts about SOLUTIONS. I write my congress people, I march, I support with my dollars people, things and businesses who share my idea of a whole balanced world #GrabYourWallet. I re-use and recycle. I am KIND to MYSELF. I work on my ultimate career and life story and live there 30 minutes every day. I make love to my husband, I teach my little black kids about the human spirit, good people and bad people, courage, strength manners and personal safety “Yes We Can”, I stay around happy supportive people. I quit Cheryl and my Mother.
and I get rest.
It was 11pm and I was trying my best to rest after a 6 hour combo cancer/ reconstruction surgery but I wasn’t feeling good at all. Which was kinda “yeah” but given the large IV sticking out of my arm was also kinda WT!?! I had told them I wasn’t feeling well. I had told them I was in a CRAZY AMOUNT of pain and well I had shown them the top of my swollen almost to the size of a small watermelon breast. Meh…
Well It’s been one whole year to the day, that I was being wheeled into that emergency surgery (burst blood vessel) Yikes. And I remember laying on my back trying to calm my breathing as I sailed down the hall on the gurney watching the blurry ceiling tiles fly by and thinking… I sure miss my Ali, I sure miss my babies, I sure wish I could wear my contacts so I could see the ceiling tiles better.
But seriously I remember knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that this thing this whole being on this earth thing …it’s all about Love.
The love you give,
the love you get,
the love you are.
I’ve spent quit some time with myself this past year healing, reflecting, talking, reading and learning. I haven’t posted a lot because I’ve instead been thinking and living. And I have to say I’ve learned a couple of things that I hope to never unlearn.
The main thing is in regards to the people you love, the ideas you support, the causes you champion…too much is probably just right.
In this moment I’m not talking about kids. As a Mommy I realize I spend and an inordinate amount of time on my little beloveds. Caring for them listening to them worrying about them, praising them, disciplining them, volunteering in their names. Well you get the picture.
Grown people and our relationships can get sorta, kinda lost in the sauce. Making way for us to rely too heavily on Social Media to foster our ties and create bonds. To me social media is like a wonderful yearly Christmas card…you get to SEE people… but you don’t really get to KNOW them unless you have real life interaction. Johnny got a new job, Sara went on a vacation, the kids are growing taller. I can see all of that in pictures..but how does the new job, vacation, growing kids feel? How are we coping how are we thriving, how are we barely treading water. The real marrow of the matter all of the mushy gushy stuff is missed underneath the posed smiling faces.
So in honor of these last 12 months I wanted to share a bit of what I hope to never unlearn.
Firstly, in relationships always use the “Extra Care Maintenance Schedule”
And the second bit “A- game only please.”
Like maintenance on a car any friendship, or for that matter any relationship over 5 years old should qualify for something more. Only the top grade “love and attention” will do in order to keep it on the road humming along happily. Everyone can do a good job in the beginning of any relationship but talk to me after year 5, and I’m all ears.
Here’s what I think the policy should include.
ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS– Unexpected…cards, flowers, notes, letters, cuddles, kisses, romantic overtures (not sex related) are A M A Z I N G. Doors being opened, checking in being done. Regular awesome, ok really great, ok SEX happening REGULARLY… We are in Nirvana.
FRIENDSHIPS– Calls, texts, notes, check in’s,(NOT ON FB or INSTAGRAM or TWITTER) like on a REAL phone talking!!! OR in PERSON! GASP!! Time spent chatting about deep shit, time spent chatting about nothing, time spent together throwing back shots! Whooohooo!!
YOURSELF– Taking care of your wants and needs (time to spend with friends, time to do your nails, time to see a frickin movie (not animated) Taking care of your Body!! Yes I’m talking Exercise I’m talking nutrition, I’m talking scrubs, oils, ointments, rubs. Taking care of your Soul. I’m talking meditation, prayer, sitting and just b e i n g still, making lists about your goals, writing and thinking about who you are and who you want to become. Taking the time to heal past hurts, counseling, classes, books, writing. MAKE IT HAPPEN!
To all those who say they just can’t make the time to foster relationships including with themselves. I can only say, lonely times are ahead. The kids grow up and go away and so do the jobs, but the friendships, the love relationships, the peace of mind remain.
I knew in a deeper way last year that this life will be over eventually.
But I also realized anew that it was not over yet! I was alive and I was gonna dig deep and stir up the courage to give the rest of my life my A game.
My A Game in All Areas
FRIENDSHIP- I unfriended and let go of anyone that didn’t make me feel good when I thought of them. Those are frienemies. Anyone who didn’t reach out to make sure I was ok I changed their status in my mind. They saw me smiling on social media and decided I must be fine. For acquaintances that’s the way it’s supposed to go. They are supposed to post a “feel better and praying for you” and that’s the end. For people who have my phone number and know where I lived Uh No! I let go in my heart anyone who weighed me down and didn’t lift me up (mothers included) . I also spoke candidly to anyone who I saw falling down on the job in order to give them a chance to rise. No one is perfect and not everyone is gonna be your tribe. But your people are out there! Find them and Rock Hard.
CAREER/DESTINY WORK- Be YOU BODLY!! Say No to every opportunity to be scared of your main goal. Now understand that you must DO EVERYTHING to support your family. Work at McDonalds, drive for LYFT, hustle paintings, makeup, bras whatever it takes. But never loose sight of the REAL goal. I’ve dedicated myself to 30 good minutes on it daily. To the thought of it to the doing of it to the feeling of it every day! Then Hustle ON!
RELATIONSHIPS (romantic)- Write out what you need, write out what you want, write out what you are getting now and how it compares to your needs and wants. Share it. Give it a minute, but if after a minute there is no change. LEAVE.
CAUSES- Champion them, get involved, get your hands dirty, show UP!
This life is all about Love.
The love you give
The love you receive
The love you are
and with the state of the world right now
Too much is probably just right!
Yeah I know you’ve been up since 4am and are already in line number 5 but…this has been on my mind. Burning my brain for weeks. This is gonna be short and sweet! What businesses do you wanna grow? Today is Black Friday. So named because it is one of the busiest shopping days of the year. Time to go out and SPEND those hard earned dollars ( ok maybe your dollars were easy and painless to earn and maybe you have a tree that sprouts money) Yay for you!! Black Friday is a Day that Businesses want to get out of the RED (no profit) and get into the Black (making profit) Finally “Black” IS IN! Hurrah!
This Holiday Season I challenge all of us…all 10 people who read my Blog (Thanks) to Use your dollars (yen, pounds, lira) to support the businesses that support the kind of world you wanna live in.
Take a moment and think…”What kind of World do I Wanna Live In?” Does Ethical treatment of All People matter in your world (no matter their Race, Religion or Sexual Orientation?) Maybe yeah maybe Nah (due to recent events) I gotta ask. Does the Earth matter? You know the water, soil, animals, forests that kinda thing. Does the treatment of Women and Minorities Matter? Should their be a fair wage paid to the workers in your world? Should they have health care…just checking.
Just asking cuz their are a LOT of
Small businesses, Women owned businesses, Mom and Pop businesses, Minority owned businesses, Ethically sourced, organic, earth conscious businesses, Local famers, made by hand out of peoples homes businesses. Even big businesses that treat their workers fairly and pay them and source ethically, (sorry their are only a couple of them but yes there are some)
And well they would sure love to GROW and be in “The Black” this Holiday Season, funded by your money tree.
ONE MORE TIME…for the people in the back.
Grow the Business that Grow the World that you want our Children to Grow up in!
End of rant.
So my heart has been heavy for weeks for days for months. Everytime I turn on anything electronic it seems to glow and pulsate with YUCK!! So many Ugly, Mean, Yuck things happening in the world and along with it another unarmed Black Man killed !!! WTH!!
I’ve been pretty speachless with how and what to say, so I’ve said nothing.
Maya… Mandela at times like these oh how I miss them. Their wisdom their way of seeing the world through the lens of understanding and love even through the chaos.
What I know for sure.
This must STOP!
I’ve decided the only thing I can do is start with me. For me, what I feel is a burning desire in my own life and out of my mind and typed into my computer and spoken out of my mouth is to change this narrative. This fear mongering, wall building, bomb making, gun shooting, virus of hate and fear.
Fear is the opposite of Love.
It might sound simple minded but at times like these I turn to magical life saving LOVE.
So I have sat and filled myself up with it daily and let it spill out through every pore.
I am a Wife to …a Sister to… a Mommy to… a Auntie to …a Friend to …many Black Men.
They must not be hunted, followed, accidentally on purpose shot, choked, beaten, killed in our streets.
Over a traffic light stop, broken tail light, mistaken identity, mental illness, book fall off lap, reach for ID, raised hands, slowly raised hands, hood on young head anymore.
Like everyone they are not perfect but they are loved by many.
They are #Magic
on this #ThankfulThursday I am so thankful to know and love so many of these Magical Creatures.
May this love spill out all over every single thing. May it be catching. May it be contagious and may it grow and morph and gain speed and turn the tidal wave of fear to magical love.
Simply that is my prayer.
So I’m looking over my pictures from “the summer”. Mind you as I write air conditioning is still non negotiable, short dresses are still my besties and sweaters are only for the cinema. Not sure what you call this moment in time. This steamy August day, but this post is not long enough for my lament plus I’m sure your own wailings would most surely drown out mine .
But as I looked, I realized that I hadn’t taken as many pictures as I usually do. What!? How could this be? Me the queen of picture taking. My hailing of “lean in smile” intruding on many a moment.
I put down the phone as I get distracted by my grim new reality. Dinner on time and bath on time and bed on time…so that we can all get up on time and go to school on time. Ugh! “They” are so out to prove that summer is over. I close my eyes and say a quick prayer of gratitude as the kids wake up smiling. No need for all of us to be crying at these moments. I get through the week. Friday mercifully finally comes. And in the night as I close my eyes there it is. The salty, sweaty, dusty tang of summer. I see the smiles and feel the water glide over my bronzed skin, pull back only to pour over me again. I hear the giggles and the laughter and the music always humming underneath silhouetting the long lazy days. Right there, all there. Those precious moments. I was in it. Feeling it, delving deep in it staring it down. For I knew if I blinked I would be here and not there. So I tried really hard to only be there.
Happy last days of summer
And there she goes… my Mother that is. Just as the plot thickens and you start to leaf through your shiny new purple binder. The leaving happens. Always for a good reason. You see jesus whispered in her ear…jesus not JESUS. And just like a shady boyfriend before Valentines Day her timing is impeccable. I used to wonder “WHY!!!??” as I stood on the opposite side of another door she had slammed. I used to touch my hand to it and still feel the motion in the wood and wonder why, right before the tears fell. But I was determined that this time would be different. I gave myself 24 hours to really feel it. The sear of it the sting of it. It was the day after a not so good doctors visit. So I steadied myself on the wall as I slid into a sad sorry heap. My beloved is rage in motion. We are here AGAIN!!! WT*&%!!! But one look at my crumpled face and he tucks his anger into his back pocket and pulls me close. I used my call a friend and a sister and another sister option.
I then got up and saw to dinner.
I understand now how the messiness pushes her away. The whats next and what will they need and the how much will it take. Leaves her running for the hills. The hills where she sits with her jesus as they put on robes and mutter about me and my unworthiness. Her jesus looks bored in my imaginings he’s heard it all before…and only wonders why she returns for more abuse from this progeny of hers.
I wanted to say…but Mommy “I only got a touch you won’t be needed much”…but the wind catches my words and I watch them float by as I sit 47min and 55 seconds and listen as she empties herself of the vastness of my shortcomings. What on earth happened you say? Oh she saw a Buddha on my website. A tiny smiling one. Blink blink stare. To her this symbolizes a Christian who has wandered far from their cross. Cancer she says…is the least of my worries. Since when? I wanted to say. As I eye my large fountain Buddha of 10 years in my backyard. Since when? But purple catches in the sunlight and all I can think instead is how very convenient. I listen and hear of the sad state of my after life with all of its burning heat. I am tainted and she really cannot stay she says…for the truly faithful are called away. Are they needed over there? Somewhere, more than here? With me and my binder? I listen and try not to step in the dogma goo. It burns if you touch it you know. It is catching and can cause emotional complications. You might start to cough out your agreement. Or sneeze with the ways she might have a point. In the end you will be feverish with the “It’s me and not her” fever and well if that takes hold only God herself can help you. People die from this brand of goo. The wanting of an embrace or a soothing kind word from a mother or a father that will never come. They wither away from the hunger and thirst of it all an apology or approval. The need of some unconditional love. It will rob you of your life force…
But for me I will make grape juice
As I sat and listened I prayed to GOD. You know, the ONE who made the solar systems and the manta rays, the red woods and the carpenter ants. The ONE who flung Jupiter, Venus and Mars into space and still had time to craft a hummingbird and an orchid and yes even me. As I breathed deep and let the tears silently fall for those 47 minutes and 55 seconds I decided no defense was needed. I was perfect and she was not right about me.
Not now and not ever.
My enough ness you see is my primary focus as I see my Oncologist. He is there to address the body I am here to address the soul. I know as I breath in the forgetting gas and fall into a deep sleep as they open me up. I know that the part that they take is just a part of me that was bit confused. A part not quit loved right. I let it go as a lover who’s parting is immanent after an infraction that is complete. It is ok to let that part go so that what is left behind can thrive and grow.
I am declaring this thriving this enough-ness, this whole-ness with my words and my deeds and my clothes and my hair and my eyes…my large almond eyes. I shout it with my throaty laugh and the spirit filled way I mother my children and try to be there for those in need. I flaunt it in the way I force myself to respectfully listen to those who differ from me for that I think is where it is so greatly needed. I think it’s called being like God and to me God is Love and it is something I strive to be.
I have decided that I am saved… always by grace.
That I am whole I am worthwhile I am me and that is enough.
So I realized yesterday that I have a touch of Cancer. As I held my shiny new purple binder in my hand I let the idea of it do back flips in my mind. As I read through my shiny new purple binder I let it whisper in my ear and tell all of the neighbors. “She has a touch of Cancer.” Well actually my girlfriend told me that’s what I had as I sobbed to her and another friend almost incoherently on the phone. I gasped and sputtered and struggled to catch my breath as I told them about my shiny new purple binder. They patiently strained to hear and waited until I calmed down enough to string a sentence together. And then oh so knowingly my friend said “Yeah Babe you’ve got a touch of Cancer” and I melted into the moment and I knew she was right. “I got a touch of Cancer”.
Not the kind where you sound the alarm of all hands on deck to your family and friends because you are in for the fight of your life. Not the kind that your life completely stops and no one expects you to go in for work. Or the kind that your mom has to be on the next plane to sit by your side, take care of your kids and cook dinner while you loose your precious hair in the sink.
Not that kind.
Just a touch.
Just enough to get yourself a shiny new purple binder full of numbers that I might need and a Oncology Doctor and Nurse and Nurse Navigator and Free Yoga and Therapy sessions and free validated parking at a shiny new Cancer Research Center.
Just a touch seems to be enough around here.
Ok to be fair the Doctor told me a month ago. He said my ATHP had moved up a notch to DCIS. Commonly called O Stage Breast Cancer WTH?!!! Now mind you I was having enough trouble already understanding and pronouncing my ATHP, Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia. Which basically means you got calcium deposits that are hanging out in groups and getting kind of lumpy and well they’re making the Doctors kinda jumpy. Cool no problem let’s get those puppies on out of there. Now I should mention that I have been on a very slippery boobie journey with an odd cast of characters for 8 months now. And I have been a pretty mildly interested blasé passenger all along the way.
It started in August when I had my annual mammogram. I say annual very loosely cuz truth be told I was supposed to go in for it in May. Whoops. But hey It was my birthday, anniversary, then the summer and you get the picture I had things to do. So I finally made it happen in August. Afterwards they called to say that I needed to come back in again cuz “something didn’t look right.” I said sure no problem, I’ll get right back to you… in 2 MONTHS!!! HA!! Oh don’t look at me like that. This was my regular mammogram office routine. I think they love me there (though I don’t know anyone by name) and they always want me to come back. I have fibrous breast, so I expect that call. In fact in my house we’ve jokingly decided it’s just a medical scam to get more money out of us. Year after year I endure two mammograms a year while my friends only get one. Squeeze and Squeeze. Yikes, It hurts and it gets costly! So you can see why I wasn’t in the mood for their shakedown right away. I did feel slightly shame faced once I did return. While looking at my chart the technician mentioned she was happy that I had “found the time” to come back in again. Blink blink weak smile. But then when it was over, instead of getting dressed and heading out to finish my errands as I always do. I was ushered into another room and told a doctor would be with me shortly. Well, this is new. The Doctor comes in and lets me know that I truly have something that doesn’t look right. Sure ok fine what’s next? Well what was next was…Ultrasounds, MRI’s, Steriatic Breast Biopsy’s, More Mammograms, and a Biopsy Lumpectomy.
I drove myself to and from each appointment unwilling to enlist the working hubby or a friend cuz hey we are all busy and it’s just silly procedures anyway.
I got this.
In fact I did “have it” – mostly. Most procedures were fine maybe uncomfortable but nothing to write home about until I hit the Stereotatic Needle Biopsy. Now that was a revelation. Lying awake, face down and to the side. I was told not to move. With my boobie in a vice and a needle stuck in me while I dripped blood for 30 minutes and listened to the nurse and doctor argue about “where” the placement of the needle was supposed to be. REALLY?!! Finishing that only to have another Mammogram on the spot to make sure that the thingy they put in me was in PLACE. WT!!!??
I broke and cried all the way home.
Then I brushed myself off made dinner and rushed to get the kiddies.
It wasn’t even until I was gonna take a Uber to my surgical lumpectomy (the hubby was coming after he dropped the kids at school) that I had a mini intervention from a friend who insisted on driving me. Honey Sweetie Pie out patient or not you’re having surgery and it might be good to have a friend hold your hand. Yes and yes it was!
I cried after I came home. Not because of the surgery, that was fine I was sleep. But there was this business with putting in a “wire” beforehand that threw me for a loop. Needle, boobie, vice grip, wire, awake… UGH!
But hey that was all over. Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia GONE and calcium deposits WHOOSH out da Door!!
I sat down for a day or so then got back to life. School, kids, dinner, lunches, work, hubby,dog…Girl Scout Cookie selling….retreat planning, movie making I was so busy that I didn’t realize that I hadn’t heard from the Doctor. I mean I wasn’t really checking for his call. Sure I had some missed calls but I don’t know nobody from West Hills!!
Yeah Maybe Ya do Babe!
The Doctor finally tracked me down a week and a half later. I was on my way over the Canyon (bad cell service) to a meeting. He said something about me being a hard woman to reach. I told him I thought no news was good news. He said and I quote “No. No News is No News”! Blink Blink. Then I thought he said I had Caratonia whatever the heck that was but the phone got fuzzy and the call dropped. When he called back he got right down to business. He said I’m sorry but the lab reports came back and they show carcinoma you should come back in so we can talk about what’s next. I said sure… and went about my life. Yes I called my Mom and siblings and some friends had a mini cry. But I really didn’t feel anyway big way about it. I knew in the end I was gonna be fine, just fine. I didn’t sound an alarm. I felt no alarm. I received some flowers and chocolates from friends with messages to call if I needed anything. Well I was still running up hills and perfectly capable of doing everything. So I admired and smelled the flowers tried not to eat too much chocolate and kept it moving.
Because what do you do when you have a touch of cancer? I’ve made meals, given rides and sat by the beds of friends and relatives who have had Cancer real CANCER the one with all caps. I know what to do for them. There are kids to pick up, dinners to be made, treatments to get to, encouragement to lend.
But me and my touch of it – what do I do?
Until Yesterday happened. Yesterday turned my head all the way around and not for the reason you think. I looked up at all of those sweet kind Oncology nurses, and Doctors telling me all about my Cancer and sentinel lymph nodes and what to expect with my surgery and radiation. I was fine and fine until they got to the part of me and my boobies after radiation and then I cried! What?!!! Yep I cried. Not because I had a touch of Cancer but because I was hearing how this touch was getting in the way of my “new perky boobie vision”. See I have had a vision of new perky boobies ever since I finished nursing my babies. I just wanted “my” boobies but better. Full and plump again + a wee bit more. Not Vegas style or anything. Just the full stand up kind that you can wear a sexy backless dress, while you dance with your Boo and hang out in St. Bart’s topless on a beach. Don’t smirk it’s my dream. Those kinds of BOOBIES. Now I heard loud and clear through my information overload haze. I heard the nice Nurse telling me that after my lumpectomy and 35 radiation treatments (5 days a week for 7 weeks) I wouldn’t be a candidate for breast augmentation. Because radiation does something to your breast tissue and blah blah BLAH!!!
I just Couldn’t….
Poor nice and sweet Oncology Nurses so used to women busting into tears in their shiny Cancer Facility. They kindly calmed me down and assured me I could and “should” speak to a plastic surgeon NOW before my surgery so I could get my “perky boobie vision” Sorted!
But alas the damage was done.
I could feel it. Something had cracked inside and it was ALL rushing in on me…all the months… all the procedures… all the stress and the strain and the squeezing and the pressing, and the wondering, and the ignoring and the smiling and the getting on with it.
I was tumbling with the knowledge that.
A Touch or Not.
I had Cancer…
And I realized I had no idea what was next. And that I was in totally new territory for me. That I might really need “to call a friend” and maybe I would need things in my shiny new purple binder. I decided that most of all maybe it was ok to have a little compassion for me and my touch of Cancer.
So I called a friend and I let my hubby who has been my rock hold me tight as I cried. And I thought about finally telling the kids.
I thought about the movie I want to make, the work I still feel impassioned to do and the life I want to live. I thought about the warm beach I want to lie on with my honey for my upcoming birthday/ anniversary.
Before more surgery
and I cried and sighed…
For I realized I will be forever changed by just a touch.
I’m standing in front of my semi- new High School having an argument/ conversation with some chick I don’t even know. I mean I “know” her (she’s in my P.E. class) I just don’t KNOW her. If you get my drift. This is not the first time we have had this conversation and from the look on her face I don’t think it will be our last. “Why you standin’ over here?” “I’m waiting for my bus.” “What bus?” “The #3 Bus”! “Why? “What do you mean why…cuz it’s the bus that goes to where I live”. “Yeah but THAT bus goes to the PROJECTS.” “Yeah that’s where I live”!! “Harumph… Whatever”. She looks me up and down taking in my cute funky look. My hair has some sort of flip (a night in hard rollers) and my jeans have the right cut even though they are “no names”. She doesn’t know I had saved for 6 months at my after school job. That I had searched hi and low for just the right knock offs. Or that I was afraid until right now that I would be found out. Fake fake fake!
I keep my eyes level to hers and in them is neither pleading nor pissed. Harumph she says again or at least that’s the closest I can come to relaying the sound. It’s accompanied by a closed mouth and lips that curl up and hang out for awhile on one side of the face while the eyes roll to the back…cuz well they are just plain ole tired of looking at whatever pitiful thing they are looking at. Now the first time I saw this sequence of movements I was impressed and mesmerized. Then I realized that it’s just the norm of all perpetually pissed inner city teens. Finally she decides I must not be ready to change my story and with that she lopes off to rejoin her group. They welcome her back and all turn their backs on me as they hold conference on what “I said, and then what she said”.
This conversation is not new it’s like hundreds I’ve had prior and since and it is all brought to you by the sponsors
“Who The Hell are You”??
Which to a adolescent is EVERYTHING!! Are you a Nark, a Shark a Teachers Pet, a Brown Nose-er, A rocker, a Nerd, a Screw Up, a Faker, a Jock, a Druggie, a Wierdo, a Stuck Up, a Richie, a Prude. Are you a Secret Teller or a Secret Keeper. When I’m with you should I…Joke, laugh, smile or ignore you all together. Are you a Somebody or a Nobody. This adolescent interrogation goes on and on until a credible case is built for or against you.
Since becoming a “grown up” I naively thought this would all be in the past. But now it’s even more probing. It’s called, resume’s, credentials, letters of recommendation and questionnaires. Everywhere you go inquiring minds still want to know.
Who the Hell are you!!!???
To be fair, wanting to know can be an issue of safety. Life is a gaggle of people and experiences some good and others dreadfully not. Everyone needs a little predictability every now and again. We need to know who the sane ones are. The honest ones, the laze abouts and the hard workers.
I get it.
But at this moment I am in the midst of a seismic shift. And it has left me a bit rattled as I reshape myself, yet again. Right now I am not predictable. What I have been, is slowly morphing into what I am now and they need to shake hands and make friends.
We live in a world of the hyphenate Doctor/Landscape Artist, Lawyer/Pastry Chef, Business Owner/Philanthropist. Every time that we introduce ourselves we are faced with the challenge to accurately describe just who we are. But in our struggle to sound credible we strain at the reigns of choosing sides. I thought you said you were an Actress? I am. But I am also… Because of the discomfort, lately I have been taking refuge in my “mommy-hood, and wifey-ness” to get a break from the unnerving nature of a reinvention, which is upheaval. But being a Mommy and Wifey are much more simple. Mommy’s pick up kids, dole out love and snacks. Wives make dinner, dole out love and snacks and try not to bitch too much. But all the other parts of me are not so compliant right now.
Who we are …Who we really are is a changing spot on a ever spinning planet of possibility. I desire for the core of me to remain constant. The center of my “I Am” to be a beacon of stability. “I am” kind, creative, spirited, loving, inquisitive, hopeful, truthful, thankful. While the other part of my “I Am” remains fluid open to the spontaneity of a life lived with passion and a desire to grow. This ” I Am” is an Actress, Writer, Teacher, Life Coach, Style Maven.
I pray that the taste when it touches your lips is savory and sweet…cuz I am that.
I heard somewhere…(Marianne Williamson) When you live your truth it gives others permission to do the same. So the next time someone looks slightly confused as you rattle off your sparkling pedigree…just simply state. “I’m a hybrid a vast improvement on last years model.”
Watch their faces light up.
Be your beautiful self. Comma’s, dashes and all!
I know “I Am”
I’m sitting on the porch in the early morning light with our pup Vanilla Bean and we are surrounded by movement and sound. El Nino is up to her usual tricks and the trees are swaying as if giants have awakened in the night and are rousing their cohorts to arms. Chimes are singing a furious song and leaves are swirling in constant rotation. It is sure the end is near.
We both sit in awed silence taking in the movement happening about us. Both having our thoughts for what it means and how it makes us feel. She looks out then back to me and then out again. As if to say is this ok? Should I be concerned? I look at her and say only the word “wind” and then smooth her fur. There is comfort in not going it alone. But alas, I can only name it. I cannot however control how it makes her feel. That venture I dare say can be a lonely affair indeed.
I think to myself isn’t that life?
We can name things, birth, death, graduation, despair , heartbreak, failure, triumph. These are their names but to climb inside anothers skin to feel the feeling is something we can only infer, and no matter what it is always a second hand account.
That give and take is the whole life of an interview. “How does it feel winning an Oscar?” “How does it feel losing the Super Bowl?” How does it feel to give birth, to lose a child, a parent a spouse? How does it feel to be successful, to be worth millions, be wanted or needed, or hated or feared? How does it feel? Inquiring minds want to know.
I wonder if anyone interviewed Da Vinci or Cleopatra, or Genghis Khan back in the day? Stories are written of them. They are full of what they did but how did they feel? That naked truth lies with them in their golden tombs.
For me unless the state is painful the wanting to know from others is not as important as feeling them first hand. Now let me be clear you can tell me the pain of a burned hand and I will feel no need to touch the fire. But I feel that the adventure of life is to feel it. How will it be really known to me otherwise. The feel of a lovers hand on my skin. Sunlight on my bare back. My heart when it is torn asunder.
Aaahhh the feeling.
The challenge is to make choices that have me feeling the way I desire. To change choices that have me feeling ways I don’t desire and to find a deeper place within me form when life places unpleasant feelings at my door. For that is the only way that I grow. For who would I be without the experience of a broken heart, loss of a loved one, betrayal of a friend. Who would we be without the failure? How would we experience fortitude. How can we truly savor triumph if there has never been defeat. Or love come anew if there was never love lost. It is by the contrast the bitter and the sweet that life takes on texture, nuance and depth. It is with a brave heart one must face the day. Ready to learn from our failures and be buoyed by our wins.
As we grow older it seems that our ability to feel dulls a bit by the experience of the sameness of life. Another pile of laundry another drop off another pick up. A part of us longs for new experiences. But as I sit and witness such a visceral display of nature in front of me… I feel it all. It only takes effort. It takes being present and being open to see it again and again and again… and still really see it!
So let the wind howl and rumple my hair. Let my own triumph and despair mold my clay. I listen to the chimes and hear their song.
I close my eyes to “feel” my life anew, free and unafraid.
It’s Almost here #Yipee!!
Another helpful, revitalizing, insightful workshop “A Goddesses Guide to the Everyday”.
Have you ever found yourself running on fumes. Only having just enough energy to a l m o s t keep up with yourself and your life. Looking for the meaning in it all. Looking in the mirror and wondering where “YOU” have gone”.
I certainly have. This workshop is designed to help us look at our lives in a new way. I truly believe that we all have a purpose and a reason to be here. A reason that is so vital to the world that it is imperative that we get on purpose and fuel our passion.
After this workshop you should be closer to identifying if you are on track with your goals and purpose. If not what has been standing in your way? I will give you tools to move from behind the eight ball and start to be the driver in your own life. Helping form a schedule a order to your life and along the way fueling your soul.
I know that we can feel excited about our life, our love, our kids, our jobs and our home!! After all without the passion the purpose and the love what are we doing it all for!!!
#Lets Go Goddesses See you on the 28th 3-6pm….yes I added an hour. (Gotta have time to chat and snack) Please email me for details Dahn@itsyoubutnew.com
Location of workshop is Studio City California.
It’s the first light of morning and I can hear an alarm going off. I moan and shift still half asleep. It’s not mine I don’t usually ever set an alarm, its for the hubby. He silences it in the groggy way one does at this time of the morning. He is usually up before me and off to the gym. He comes back and we trade. But not today. He had a late night of work and the gym will have to wait. He rubs my shoulder and whispers an admonishment for me to continue to sleep he knows I did not sleep well. But alas I am awake…Ugh I swallow and I feel the pain in the back of my throat and a throb in my head. It’s not quit the way I want to wake up any morning but definitely not on a Monday. This doesn’t bode well for the week.
I lay there knowing I have a window to decide how this is gonna go and it is closing fast.
I decide and carefully swing my legs over the side of the bed and hoist myself to my feet. I can feel the long busyness of yesterday along with tending to a sick child during the night in every inch of my body. I am tired and morning has come way too fast. My body lets me know what it thinks about me working out…NOT!
But through the haze I decide I am in charge… not my body and I need to run.
The crisp air hits me but it does little to alter the mood or the head throb but I press on.
I let my mind wander and it rests on a friend who is caring for her Mom who is going through the journey of Cancer. I say a prayer for her as my footfalls in a familiar cadence. I send her visions of this early morning light and prayers of grace. After her many others come to mind. Those who are suffering, those who are grieving, those who are out of a job, out of a home, out of love. And as I move I pray and as I pray I become a moving tide of gratitude. I think of all of those who would love to be on this mountain this morning doing just this. I think of those who would love to tend to a child or roll over next to a husband or clean a house or wash some clothes. Those who with just a smidgen of health or freedom would love to chase their dreams just one more day and my breathing steadies in determination my legs feeling less like lead.
I let the thankfulness fuel my thoughts of the day. I dedicate this day and all that it contains to those who can’t.
And as I round the last bend with my whole body in full forward motion I know that I will do it all #Because I Can…
And that makes all the difference.
Rest in Peace #MikeBrown
I’m not a Phd or Md or even a D for that matter in Relationships. Though I do love that letter for obvious reasons.
Nor have I done extensive research backed by grants and funds from prestigious schools of thought on marriage, relationships, and coupledom.
I am also not a Bible thumping believer in marriage at all costs or you will burn in hell and the children will be damned, scarred and forever wander in the desert of “can’t get it right, cuz mommy and daddy ain’t together no more. In fact I believe that being together only for the sake of the children can back fire terribly. I for one prayed nightly for my parents to divorce. The stress and strain of our parents unhappiness hung like a heavy wet wool blanket on a very hot day. Yuck.
What I am …is a regular
I believe in equal pay for equal work. A women’s right to choose and bedtime routines. I believe that kale is amazing, recycling is a must and M’M’s can change your outlook on life.
I can also easily grasp the idea that some might not wanna marry at all or procreate. Great! Marry and both be Boys or Girls. Go for it! You should be allowed to give it a whirl and see how you do just like the rest of us.
I am now and have always been obsessed with people and relationships and what makes them tick. Not in the gossipy non “Real House Wives” of Whatever-Ville way. But in the take apart the radio and put it back together…now turn it on does it still play… kinda way.
I was the kid playing in the kitchen while my mom and her friends talked so I could hear the latest. Collicky babies, men who didn’t want to commit, a new one pot dinner dish…I was hearing it all.
I was born into un-wed parentage, siblings by different fathers and a fierce amazing matriarch spirit who held the family together. My siblings and I cared nothing for the language of half’s and steps and so no matter our ration of blood we were full and we were love and we were mighty.
I knew God and church and brim stone. But no matter the brimstone what I hung, clung and clutched between my fingers like my life depended on it was Love.
It was what I searched the hallways of school for, the aisles of the church for, the playgrounds and the streets for…Love. No matter the upheaval of youth I knew it was all I needed.
“March of the Penguins” have you seen this movie? Oh the cold and the marching and the eggs and the babies and the mating and the hardship and the seals and the cold. The bone chilling cold and of course the voice. I am riveted by this story. I literally cry every time I see it. Simply every frame is filled with the fiber of Love. It helps them survive the weather the hardship the heartbreak the seals…if you ask me it was Love.
I wanted some of that Penguin Love.
I have read the article of “Conscious Uncoupling”. I like others giggled a little at the title. Some more New Age-y speak, ok fine bring it on. Upon reading I loved the point. There has to be a way to take apart, what was once together, in a sane, peaceful dare I say loving way. I stood up and cheered. Please oh please can we have more of that. Even if it comes with a ceremony performed by a group of small pointy nosed men and ashes I’m still in. But there was one cord that struck me as being off key. In fact it totally fell flat to my ears and haunted me for days. It was the idea that… marriage in it’s concept just doesn’t really …well …work… anymore! We live longer, we cannot expect marriage to last the distance. I heard biology, psychology, don’t expect…we are not equipped…no work for us no more.
I myself am on my second marriage I could be seen as living in a glass house but I have no stones to throw. What I do know is that as I walked down that first aisle towards a kind young man. I knew like I knew grass looked better green that this was not for me. And yet I walked and I spoke up when asked and I gave my consent. I was fresh out of college. I could blame my youth. But it would be an untruth. I knew. I was clear on the un- rightness of this coupling. But I was also hopeful in equal measure. Maybe all that I “saw” and “felt” would grow differently with the right amount of sun, water, jobs and friends. And then there was his sweetness and his true love of me. Oh how I needed that Love. So I reached up and grabbed it with a “I Do”!
“Are you married in a relationship…do you have kids”? It’s my question. My party, bbq, social mingle, PTA, church meeting, park bench conversation. It’s my question. I believe everyone has one. A question that though not scientific in nature sheds light on who this new person before us might be. My aunts question is what school did you attend? Education is always her question. My friends question is where do you come from? Birth location answers a lot I guess. And another guy friends wants to know what sport what team? I pity the person with lack of both.
But my question has always been married or not…kids how many? I have gleaned a lot from the answering of this question. And more than the actual answer is the way the answer is delivered. “Ball and chain” style. “Been there done that” style. “God help me get out of this hole” style. “Surprisingly it’s going well” style. Oh and my favorite “So far so good” style. It’s better than a scientology personality test -this question. What has struck me most in all of my relationship conversation is how very few “surprise” relationship deaths there really are. In fact I actually stared to view them like an urban legend. Out of the blue for no reason at all he/ she started to drink, beat, hit, be distant, not care, freak out, bore me to tears, leave. They literally woke up a different person. Which I might add is very different then “growing” into another person. We are all “growing” into something every day depending on the conditions and the weather. Births, deaths, war, finances, jobs, too much or complete lack of chocolate they are all effecting how we grow. What we have not done so often is turn from being a peach into a turnip. This evolutionary leap does not happen as often as you might think. There was usually something a little fishy about that peach even in the beginning.
Most stories I have heard all read like a not so riveting episode of CSI. Clues clues everywhere clues. Clues that were ignored or swept over or not taken into evidence properly. Whether this happened because of youth, naiveté, slow on the uptake, the desire to see the best in people or really great sex. Most are not payed attention to for one simple reason. The “if I know then I have to do something” line of thinking. If I fain being duped then I’m not responsible to do anything. And since we are not ready to “Do” anything we plead the fifth, cross our fingers and hope for the best. Well of course until there is just one… smack, lie, not showing up, lazy ass on couch, no ambition, unkind, arrogant, rude, unthoughtful, selfish, drinking, uncaring, eating with mouth open, aaaaahhh moment too many. And then with one huge AHA!!! We suddenly know what we must do ….run, jump, divorce, sever, leave, escape this Loch ness monster.
I have been made to watch a gazillion nature shows with my kiddies. The Kratt Brothers, David Attenborough and Morgan Freeman narrate my days.
I have always been struck by the symmetry of nature. The adaptation. The single minded focus of survival. Just the decision on which water hole to drink from is the difference of life or death for the herd. Every species has their “way” of doing things but guaranteed all roads lead to optimal chance of survival model. Survival of the young being highest on the list. They are in fact their tomorrow their ultimate survival ticket.
The human species seem to be the only ones bucking the system. We are like breakdown on eco system number nine. It seems to me and yes correct me if I am wrong that it takes two to make a thing go right. Yep that’s a hip hop song from the mid eighties. But two not one. And let’s be extra clear it really takes more than that. In case you haven’t heard it takes a Village. Aunties and Uncles and Grandparents and Friends and Peoples. But in the beginning to “make a life” it takes two. Even if you find a way to be one…if you want to make a child it’s gonna take two. And again correct me if I am wrong but it seems our species our children seem to do better (again arguably) with two. We are talking optimal health. Optimal survival. Some ying some yang I’m not talking sex…I’m talking energy. I’m talking about a family unit and I’m talking about everyones happiness. I’m sure some single parents are as happy as a pie lover in a pie shop. But I think if given the right person a little help and some partnership might really come in handy. Again I could be wrong.
And yet with the idea of Conscious Uncoupling we again embrace the idea that we are not “made” to do the two thing successfully. For very long. But since we can’t kick the kids out until at least 18 yrs old (ok fine maybe 16 yrs old in some states) and you know they still wanna stay past that. Then we are saying that “We the people” are not “built” for their optimal happiness model.
Just a moment I want to raise a tentative hand in the back of the class and ask. If every other species has in their DNA their ultimate survival game plan. Might not we also have this blueprint in our DNA. The ability to couple successfully for the ultimate survival and health and happiness of all involved.
Might this be “the way we were naturally designed” Might there be a homing device in us that turned on might attract the “really good for me” person for my person.
The reason that I pose this is that. What if we “knew” in our cells that coming together and being together for life was natural and the way we are “really built”. Might that feeling, that idea alone change the very nature of the union for our species. Might it release the ball and chain, the holding me down, the locked up, boring, same every day, no more excitement, sex with the same person ugh idea of …what marriage has become. Might it slowly start to thaw out the idea that it’s all just a crap shoot and that we are somehow going against our million sperm count to even try. Might we raise our boys and girls with the idea that marriage is great and good and fun and might that very idea produce a different outcome.
Einstein ( i think it was him who said) Just the observation changes a thing. Just the intent changes the out come. Just like the idea that school is hard, authority is oppressive, doing good in school is for the social rejects colors some kids school days for the worse. Most parents agree that unless you were born already knowing how to read, write and add. Your butt needs to go to school. Just because it’s challenging does not mean you don’t have to go. Just because it pulls it pushes, it makes your kids stress and strain. Even with the occasional boring teacher, or “overly” tough teacher. We don’t adapt to the idea that “school is just not natural” You know why because at our core we know two things…#1 the desire to learn is primal ask any parent watching a baby learn to move. You don’t really “teach” them to walk one day they are gonna want that cookie across the room and they are gonna scoot, crawl, walk or run to get it. #2 Well it’s just necessary for our survival. Cold cave man meet fire. And so we press on. We seek out great schools and inspiring teachers we search to see how our kid learns and how we can match their innate desire to a skill. We look for ways to stir the embers and light the fire. We know whether it’s sports or numbers, dance or the horn section once a child catches fire they are unstoppable.
And so before we add more fuel to the fire that is already burning so brightly that we are somehow not meant to be together …for that duration…under these circumstances in our lives today.
Before we do that.
Let’s sit with the idea for just a moment. That somehow the coming together with the perfect “for us” mate, that uplifts us and champions us, comforts us and sits with us. Someone who if you decide yes on children will stay and help raise them. And then later will rock on the porch with you as the light turns to twilight.
Whatever sex, color or creed.
There is a someone for your someone.
For the sake of the children for our species survival.
Let’s just rest on the naturalness of that…
for a moment
It’s a frosty night and I am cold. I pull the folds of my jacket around tighter and the hood of my hoodie more snug around my ears. Aaahhh why didn’t I remember to put on gloves. My fingers are going numb so I warm them with my breath and then jam them into my pockets. All of sudden I hear laughter and voices coming my way. I duck down and hold my breath. It is only then that the realization of where I am washes over me and I shiver again this time not because of the cold. You see I’m sitting on top of a baseball dugout on a baseball field…not playing baseball… in the middle of the night. Hmmm Interesting. Now to do this I had to hop a small fence and shimmy and hoist myself ( not without effort) over onto the low slung roof and into the position I am now Freezing in!
The voices move past me and I feel safe enough to rise up and then I see it. The flicker of a light that has gone on in the room across the way. I am here on top of the dugout because it is directly across from the room of my Hunky, Cocky, Sexy, Obsession. And I am Crazy Stupid in Lust /Love! Aaaahhh my head pounds and my insides do flip flops. I flinch as he moves past the window again taking off his shirt. How could I get so lucky more please!! And then I see her. HER!! The girl he “proclaims” to care nothing about. The girl who is “too skinny and un attractive to look at twice” Her! She’s in there with him. My breath catches in my throat and I am no longer cold. I am blood boiling angry! And it’s not at him it’s at myself. After 8 months of the hushed late night , shhhhh only in private never in public, seat creaming maybe he will call or nod his head at my existence torture. I am Angry and I am done!! Oh Thank Merciful Father God in Heaven! I am DONE. I’ve tried to be done before. But tonight as I sit shivering in the cold as she lays warm in his arms. I feel like the idiot stalker that I am. And somehow I am snapped out of my stalker revelry!! I know for sure if he really liked me he would like me in the Light around his Friends in the Halls in his room. He would be “ready” for a girlfriend. He would call when he said and we would laugh and talk and make out. I know at that moment “He’s just not that into me”. And I painfully, tragically, moaning-ly… move on…
I am standing staring at 2 dozen of the loveliest roses you can imagine. They are candle apple red long stemmed and they have just arrived. My new roommate comes up from behind and whistles her approval ( I wish I could whistle like her all low and sexy). I feel something on my face and I reach up to brush it away only to find that it is my tears falling skip hop down my cheeks . It’s done it’s over. The marriage. Where there was hope there is now only empty sadness. This does not come as a blow it’s been awhile coming. I mean I have already moved out. Instead it is like a brisk gust of wind, strong enough to make your eyes water not enough to make you wear a coat. I lay the card that I’m sure tells me how much he loves me on the table and I walk away. In my minds eye I see his puppy dog eyes as he watches me not knowing what to do or what to say. I see him on the couch drinking beer and watching Aliens for the 200th time (literally). I see him lifelessly waiting tables ( a job I got him) as he pockets cards from Executives offering him jobs. “I’m not really what they are looking for” Well how do you know? “I just do”. Well why would they give you their card?” a shake of the head on his way to another beer. I see the counseling sessions that I drag him to and the countless talks “What do you need? What can I do” as I hustle to job number 3 and back from rehearsals on my way to an audition. I buy myself tulips on my way home from acting class they were only $4.99 they are my favorites. I hate roses. I wipe the tears as I pack my bags. I know for sure – We can only change ourselves no one else. You can help all you want but in the end everyone has to decide to help themselves. You can stay and suffocate or Love yourself enough to leave. No one has to be wrong but the relationship has to feel Right!
I am arguing at a pay phone. My head is pounding and I really can’t remember what this particular argument is about. It’s a way of life for us now. He laughs and says we are Italian it’s fine. ( We aren’t Italians and they can’t be this miserable) What I do know is that I always end up confused and apologizing. Somehow it’s my fault. Oh right I remember… he didn’t show up to get me the other day. I waited and waited and I could have hung out with my girls who I haven’t seen for ages. In the back of my mind I think he did it on purpose. He doesn’t like my girls cuz they questions how he’s treating me. “That’s so petty” ( well if the shoe fits) ” I would never do that” I just forgot is all ( We had tickets and I was calling). Fine!! “Just come pick me up already” I say as I slam the phone down. It has started to rain and fearing for my hair I rush back to the house and past my roommate who is Still on the phone. Such a phone hog. I rush upstairs and finish putting on my clothes. I shimmy into a new dress all my dresses are new these days. And brush my hair the way he likes it. My mind is a blank as I put on my mascara I have willed it so. Silence is the best policy in times like these. I’ll be fine I just need to go out! He pulls his shiny Lexus up to the club and immediately we are whisked past the velvet rope and into the VIP section. I smirk as I feel the wanting eyes following me as I move. Uh huh VIP ALL THE WAY BABY!! The dull ache of my headache still lingers. I close my eyes waiting for the “FEELING” to pour over me. Damn! I must ” NEED a Drink”! I yell this to him over the music. He pauses, and in the pause I remember. Sh#^%T he needs money! Annoyed I reach into my purse and hand him 2, $20’s that should cover a drink and gas to get us home later. I mean he did get us in. We’re even right? We are moving to the beat but somehow his sexy body and the pulsating music do nothing for me. He leans in to whisper something in my ear…is his breath stinky? Yep. I turn and walk off of the dance floor and then keep walking until I hit the door (where I nod at his friend Todd) and then I keep walking until I see a Taxi. I can hear him behind me trying to catch up and calling my name. I turn and blow him a kiss…”You’re Right I’m Wrong” I say. But I’m done. I want peace and harmony. No flakes and facades. THINGS won’t make me happy. Being with someone should make me feel better in my skin not worse. Trust your instincts. Keep your friends.
I am coughing and my throat is raw from my effort. My eyes are bloodshot and my hair lays in a disheveled heap on my head. I look up to a steaming cup of something and I manage a weak smile as it is handed to me. “It’s beyond nasty but it will kill whatever this is” he says. The eyes are questioning though gentle the tone is reassuring. I nod my head taking the cup in hand and steady myself for the onslaught. And true to his word it is amazing in it’s awfulness. It lingers where it shouldn’t and I am perfumed with it’s insistent scent. YUCK! But days later I do indeed feel better. He is relieved…I am pitiful in my gratefulness. Death by unknown bubonic in my twenties…please I need to speak to the writer. I had been in this state for more than a month and he’s only known me for 6 months. It’s nothing like starting to date a girl with the plague. I am restless, he is steady. I am bacon he is vegetarian. I am rock he is jazz. I am free form he has schedules. He is hesitant I am sure of hand. He is resistant I am dazzling. I give space he comes closer. Always always…he is kind, he is truthful, he is interested, he is straightforward. We Blossom. We are laughter, we are sexy, we are grace, we are silly, we are committed, we are visionary, we are freedom, we are 17 years…
I didn’t want to write anything about The Man. The Man and his Greatness. Because well I figured all the great writers are writing about him right now. And I am not a great writer. And well what do I have to say about him that has not been said.
But after I mentioned this to the hubby he said “so what” you still have the right to mourn him to express your own personal feelings about the man.
…This Amazing Man the One and Only Nelson Mandela.
And as I sat and watched the tributes roll in. Watched the pictures being posted and his words being shared again and again I felt it. That thing that is the undeniable fact that we have lived in a time that framed the life of Nelson Mandela. A fierce crusader for Justice and Equality. A person who with dignity forged himself into a diamond a pearl through his hardship. This man this champion this leader….has Passed… and the tears fall unchecked .
I have to say that my attachment to Mandela was a very selfish one and very small by my own estimation. To me he represents Endurance and Patience and Despite the Odds Triumph.
I have found that my path has not been one that has been straight and easy to navigate. The twists and turns have been many. The pain has been real and the ability to cope has been needed. I found that because of this I gravitated towards those that have endured. I gained strength through them. Those that have not just survived but thrived admits the turmoil and chaos. Those were my beacons of light.
When I looked on his countenance I saw the years but not the scars. I saw the wisdom and the knowledge and the determination and the clarity. But I did not see hate and resentment and exhaustation in well-doing. How did he do this?
I am 10 yrs old and it is pitch black and I am lying very still in bed but I am awake. The smell is keeping me awake that along with the scratchy ness of the thin blanket and the fact that I am cold. All of these things plus the narrowness of the bed are not allowing sleep to come. I feel the breath of my sister who is lying beside me. Her slowed breathing is the only warmth I feel and it’s steady cadence calms me. As I train my ear to listen I can single out six different breathing patterns. You see my whole family is in this room. We are in a shelter or rather a Half-Way house. Half way to where? The streets I suppose and we are happy to have a place to stay….
How did he do that? How did he not come out of prison after 27 years not broken and battered angry and rage full . How? Those that knew him said that prison was a crucible and that Mandela bent the place and the people to his content of character. Aaahhh his character. The cell was tiny I have seen pictures and it housed a bed a table a chair and a pail. In the first 10 years he was allowed one visitor a year for 30 min and one letter every 6 months.
“Difficulties break some men then make others, no axe is sharp enough to cut the soul of a sinner who keeps on trying, one armed with the hope that he will rise even in the end” Nelson Mandela
My deepest desire in my life is to live fully. Mandela lived fully. To do this one must keep ones spirit intact. Though your spirit might be battered and bruised. It is like the heart is for the body. You must have it intact in order to live. Our spirit is the very life blood to our existence and it must not be broken. And so I protect mine with my very breath.
I am 8 yrs old… or so and I am lying in bed telling stories to my siblings. I say my age loosely for it really doesn’t matter. During my child hood I learned to forget so often and so well that recalling things now creates an ever shifting sheet of ice. Just when I lock ahold of something it breaks off and drifts away. Instead I remember through my senses and senses bely age. I am in bed telling stories to drown out the sound of arguing coming from the other room. I am animated and have voices for each character. They laugh and we talk and one by one they fall off to sleep. I lie awake listening. What is the matter? The usual. Lack of money, too many mouths to feed…not enough work… general annoyance and dismay about life. I hear a slap and then low crying.
I saw in this man the ability to endure. We live in a “right now” “easily hurt” society. Every challenge or discomfort is looked on as an evil . Comfort is sought at every turn even to the discomfort of others. “Life is hard” is spoken after a bad day at the office. People are in therapy for having been love to hard.” I read somewhere “You Day was Bad…not your Life”. How true. I sober up.
Mandela went to prison at 45 yrs old. The prime of life. He was released at 72yrs old.
HOW did he Endure? How did he thrive? HOW!! I am sure he had his bad days and months…hell I’m sure he had years of despair of doubt of fear of …no way outness. But yet he resolved to not be broken.
I am 18yrs old sitting in a car that my mother is driving she is talking and talking I am catching every other word. “Don’t come home” , “Don’t call”. I am staring down at the brace on my knee shifting it slightly to relive the dull throb… or is it in my head. “You have to figure your own way, I’m done”. We pull off to the side of the road where I see my friends waiting in their new red Civic to take me back to school. She is talking I am thinking… 3 months I have 3 months. She sits down my bags as I scan their bright faces. Watching a different mother great them warmly … I wonder who can take me in for the summer…and what to do about my leg…Hmmmm.
“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemy” Nelson Mandela
This Man this remarkable man. Was released from prison while I was in college. He came out waving and Smiling. I remember his smile in all the news feeds. Not just a happy to be out of prison smile but a brilliant alchemy smile. He smiled like he had been made into Gold and he was about to Shine…!!!!
Oh and Shine he did! Watching him become the President of the Country that Imprisoned him was a day like no other. The people singing in the streets the banners waving the feeling of triumph and joy was palatable!! Though it was February It felt like spring and smelled like rainbows
“It always seems impossible until it is done”. Nelson Mandela
I am in the bed in the hospital it is bright and cheerful and full of flowers and balloons. Oh how I love flowers. I train my eyes on one of the blooms then look out of the window that is streaming with light. I am feeling excited, nervous and anxious. My life as I’ve known it has shifted permanently I have had a child. I shiver and pull the covers tight around me. The door opens and in walks my husband beaming followed by the nurse wheeling in our child. They announce she is perfect and lay her in my arms. She is so sweet and small and brown. she smells like morning and I stroke her little cheek and something in me relaxes. I realize I have been holding my breath and I laugh as I exhale and tears stream down my face. She is here, she is healthy I have done it. Fear fights for a place to be. What if I’m a bad mom? What if she doesn’t like me or I her. What if we don’t bond. She yawns and fidgets. I caress her small head and she opens her eyes. We lock eyes briefly on one another. She blinks yawns and closes her eyes once more. As if to say…”Hey… there you are …cool catch you in a bit” She was not worried at all. I am aloft on the waves of love. If I were a mere mortal before that day I got my cape at that moment. I felt fierce and determined and healed as I looked into her tiny face. The day I married I knew true love was possible the day my baby was born I knew I had come into my own. I felt capable and fully present. I knew I had the ability to fly.
I looked up to see my husband smiling down on me …What?
“Nothing you’re just shining bright…like a diamond”
This Man lived and more than fulfilled his purpose in life. He lived a life to be honored and emulated. He showed us what the human spirit was capable of and then charged us to do the same. He did not belittle anyones story or struggle but understood in all of us is the capacity to overcome and Love despite the challenges. My heart is forever changed because he lived.
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear but of the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid. But he who conquers that Fear” Nelson Mandela
Rest in Peace Great Man.
We Love You
I have a girlfriend who every time she see’s me she has to compliment my butt. She really just can’t help it. We hug, kiss, tell each other how good it is to see one another and at some point when I turn around she gets a view of my butt and she let’s me know. “Girrllll you have the best butt EVER”! Now I know she is genuinely happy to see it. All round and I hope perky:-) I understand she doesn’t possess such pronounced bounty and well when she see’s mine it must make her smile. And In her mind I guess It deserves a compliment… every time.
But I have to admit. In the beginning of our friendship this “booty report” would totally throw me off. “What was she really trying to say!” Was I getting fat? I spent more time then usual sideways in the mirror trying to do before and after booty comparisons. Was I bigger then the last time I saw her? Yada Yada. I would go so far as to try on “The Pants”! You know the ones you keep in your closet but don’t wear. The ones you rocked before kids. You try them on every now and then (for me weekly). To see if they still fit. Hey I use that instead of a scale. Getting into them in general is not an option. But are they tighter then last week or looser? Inquiring minds wanna know!! Each encounter with my friend would throw me into the same funky head space. But not for long!! Luckily by the time I had met her I had grown. Not sideways but upward…I was Wiser.
See she met me after the turbulent years. Because now me and my body are not only on good speaking terms. We have become friends. It isn’t that we always see eye to eye . Lord knows we have our spats. But we enjoy each others company. Laugh at the same jokes and agreed on the basics. We are in this together!!
Now this wasn’t always so. There was a time that my ample bottom along with the rest of me did not make me happy at all. I call those years (12 yrs old until 8 years ago)… The Dark Ages” Back in the day my bottom along with my sturdy thighs among other things were parts to be hid, draped and covered at all times. I developed this hour glass shape pretty early on. And we all know how adolescent boys can be…”Loud and Descriptive” about what they see. And even though my “development “was complimented. It made me feel self conscious. And of course true to “Crazy form” you want that which you don’t have. I, like every other girl in the Universe /Stratosphere wanted to be Skinny!! Or at least that’s what it feels like, one body type (give or take boobs and a tiny butt) for 500 million women. That’s INSANE!! (not to be confused with “Insanity” a very popular workout video.)
My relationship with my body closely resembled that of a dissappoving parent who’s kid was lucky enough to get a smirk or a grunt of approval on any given day. “Now you know good and well that in “this family” all we have are Skinny Thighs …uh I mean “Straight A students” young lady.” So what do you call This!!! Hmmm blink blink…looks a little too wide to lumpy to bumpy to, short to tall toooooo something that wasn’t meeting with “moms” strict standards.
Only sometimes on rare occasions when the outfit was perfect perfect and I had eaten just the right meal for a flat stomach. And the clothes hit at just the right angle and the light bounced off the right side of the planet as the sun and moon eclipsed and the birds sang in operatic unison…was I Happy with what I saw in the mirror. Good Lord…who wants to live with this kind of disapproval all the freakin time. It was enough to make a person wanna run away!! And stay gone! But since the person I wanted to run away from was me. We settled on a “if you don’t start nothin’ neither will I” kinda relationship. We stayed away from religion, politics and short shorts hoping that would keep us out of trouble.
It wasn’t until after the Freshman 15 lbs, after it was lost, after College, after studying abroad, after living in NY & London, after my first real heart break, after my first 10 jobs after my first years of marriage and after my first BABY!!! That I finally really started having another kind of relationship with my body. That I stopped being the DOM needing my body to be the Submissive… That I started a new conversation with my body. A conversation that involved listening and talking. Where nurturing and loving and kindness came into my “body vocabulary” Where allowing my body to be be itself came into my way of being.
I remembered desiring with all of my might to be pregnant. I so prayed my body would cooperate. I remembered with elation waving around the stick that showed two mighty stripes. I remembered watching my body change with a new life growing deep inside. All of the thoughtfulness and the savoring of food that not only kept me alive but grew another life as well. Oh how I clucked over every choice. Lovingly reading the packaging. Checking to make sure that I was taking in enough of this or that so that the heart and lungs and brain would be perfect on this new being. Aaaahhh food & exercise became my wand and I it’s sorcerer. We were not only friends we were allies and we were in perfect pitch harmony “Must birth healthy baby”!!!
And we did it!!! We accomplished said task!! My beautiful daughter was born. After the process I looked at my body with it’s new curves and new bumps and lumps and thought…hmmm where to now?
Instead of going into complete panic mode. I read every accounting of how to get my body back. I had exercised throughout (doing yoga until the very day I birthed her). I had slathered myself with cream from head to toe. Get close to me during pregnancy and you are liable to slip slide away. I decided this was our new project and I dived right in. I did everything reccomended including binding my stomach, drinking the teas and starting slowly. I was invigorated with the process (yes with some anxiety) I was experiencing sleepless nights and long days. I was breastfeeding and tied down to a new crazy schedule of what she wanted when she wanted it! Ugh!!
I had the baby blues and I wondered could I… would it …can we? But now I wasn’t dealing with an enemy. My body had somehow thru the process proved itself to me. It proved it’s strength its capableness it’s amazing nurturing power. I was now dealing with a friend. And so we made a pact. If I chose the right things to eat, & moved my body as often as I could. If I would journal and talk to friends. If I would write and keep my mind moving. If I would seek help from my hubby and baby care. Then my body would do it’s part. It would pull itself back in and tighten up. It would allow me to walk and then run. It would glow and smooth out…it would calm into peace of mind. It would take care of me if I took care of it!
It grieves me to no end to hear us girls/women/mommies berating our bodies soooooo! Argh!! The mean words we say the unkind ways we treat our beings. The yucky things we feed our bodies and the lack of movement that our bodies must endure and then to be so un-lovingly thought of. It’s a wonder they don’t break down and cry daily. And weep for all the things they do that go completely unnoticed. Like the heart beating and the lungs expanding and the brain functioning and the cuts…healed and the babies born. All done with out a thank you in sight…
It’s a wonder they just Wail…and then quit.
And sometimes that’s exactly what happens. They get so tired of being mistreated. That they just can’t take it anymore and let you know it. Too much anxiety…hair falling out. Too much processed food…weight gain. Too much high stress….heart attack. Not enough movement and fresh air…Break down.
Would you want to do “better” for a task master such as this?
It is only thru kind words and action that our bodies will respond in kind. And like any relationship worth saving the change must start with you.
Loving yourself just the way you are. Body scrub and massages for your body as is. New makeup and hair for yourself NOW. New clothes uh huh right NOW. I know you are gonna lose those 20 lbs but your body and soul craves to look good TODAY. We have to love and reward ourselves and bodies for what they have ALREADY accomplished!! We are already behind in the accolades for services already rendered and it is Time to PAY UP and Pay it Forward!!
Recently the hubby posted a great quote about Big Butts & those who love big butts…”Trust anyone who loves Big Butts for they cannot lie”.
I laughed so hard because…
Truth be told I Finally know what my Ass-ets are!!
And I cannot Lie…
And by that I mean I HATE them!
Yep I used the “H” word and I mean it to the 10th degree!!
Having a friendship with an adult is like hanging out with a teenager all day and night. You’re having sooooo much fun sharing, caring and wearing matching bracelets and then BAM someone says something stupid in the hall ( doesn’t even have to be you) but it triggers a series of unfortunate events. Miss understood texts, talking in the locker room and well somehow you get dumped, blamed and well you NEVER know what happened. Remember those days? But fortunately as a teenager …your mom or a teacher or another friend gets wind of the Shakespearean comedy of errors and sits you down and sets the record straight while you all listen to Taylor Swift. Then you all cry and fish the bracelets out of the garbage and say what a dofus you’ve been. And the sun shines and the birds sing and well…you’ve seen the movie!!
But we are not Teenagers nope. In the Adult world it all looks mighty different. In the adult world. You don’t get the promotion, the locks change, the email’s stop, the book club goes on without you. Oh and you are not invited to their kids next birthday party…which by the way is happening at the Kids play space that you regularly take your kids toooooo….AKWARD!
And do you know WHY all of this is happening???? Huh?????
NO….Noooooo You Don’t!!!
Ok Ok maybe after you hit your head on the concrete a number of times you might have a vague shadowy recollect of something that should have been nothing…but hmmmm could that be it? Nahhhh…yeahhhh????
AND do you know WHY you don’t know for sure ? Drumroll please…..
Because no one wants to TALK. The absolute gripping fear of confrontation ( talking things out) Kills 95% of Adult Friendship.
Yep it’s that simple…. no one wants to talk about the shit and the ugh and the hurt and the pain and the stuff. No one wants to confront the uncomfortable-ness that comes with being a person and living a life. No one wants to make a mistake or be seen as someone who has flaws. In order to keep Adult friendships alive ( I have studied the mating rituals of this species) you need to either have an Alien mind meld ( You Absolutely agree with each other on all aspects of life here and beyond). OR be equal parts “Easy going” muscle relaxant style “. “Blind (Mob Style) ” oh and Numb (that gash…oh please can’t even feel it).
But let’s just say you are one of “those ” people who wanna “talk” wants to know. You can’t just “go along with the rules”!
And if by some chance you corner the person to talk and yes I do mean corner them. Just to “talk” and you know “clear the air”. Cuz things (birthday party…book club…girls night outs) are not what they used to be. As in you are no longer invited.
Yep they smile and lie. “Oh no nothings wrong…just been busy” You know kids, work, school, Bob, Mom…blah blah blah. And there is no Taylor Swift song and there is no fishing the bracelet out of the garbage and well you end up feeling like why oh why did I even ASK. Ugh!
Or they lie and say nothing is wrong and start doing passive aggressive stuff like “forgetting to put your name on the list or mention that you were interested in being on that committee or the invitation must of got lost in the mail. Really!! And this happens so often you can’t decipher when the invitation Really is lost in the Mail. Argh!
OR and this is my favorite…you have a come to Jesus talk they tell you everything. You laugh you talk you cry. And then they avoid you like the plague because now you know their secrets and well they can’t bear to see you and (the secrets again). Like… if I tell you… I’ll have to kill you GodFather Style. Sigh!
You know when we were kids. When we knew why sweet shy Sarah started skipping school and smoking in the bathroom with the older kids and sleeping with the football team. We knew that her parents had gotten a divorce and the dad remarried and he doesn’t come around anymore. We knew that her mother started to drink and that she cries at night. We still talk to her on weekends when her Grandmother brings her to the same church you go to. She admits she’s sad and being “stupid” with all those boys but she’s pissed at her dad. We still see her as she really is. We talk and laugh about happier times. We are happy for her when her mother gets a new job and meets a nice guy. And we couldn’t be prouder when she starts coming to school with a scrubbed face and pig tails again.
Remember those days.
But as an adult we don’t know what happened to each other prior to starting this new job…moving to this new town…joining the same mommy and me class. Instead we get to “know” the person we see at the school bake sale and the kids soccer games. We might have some play dates with the kids or go out to a Happy Hour. And we might start to notice that they never mention the town they were in before. Or that they can Never go out after the PTA meeting (something about the husband liking you home) or they don’t talk about their first marriage or they drink a little too much.
And we all have a choice.
To get to “know” them better or just let this new info float along on the breeze….All easy going like…
And this choice becomes less conscious and more about survival the more hurt and confusion we suffer at the hands of so called “friends”. If enough Friend-grenades go off in your face. Well you just don’t wanna “know” anymore. We just wanna “get along” have a “nice” time and not “spoil” everything. So we live a life of almost friendship. It’s kinda toddler style. We do things side by side but we don’t “Share”. We don’t wanna risk (being pummeled in the head with a rattle).
We smile and bake and cry in private. We suffer from misunderstanding and half told truths. We share a laugh over our kids heads in line and we tell “all about our day” in the bleachers. When it goes wrong when we hurt or get hurt…Well we just join another class or sign up for another committee or move.
We are the walking wounded. Hurting and being hurt. Unconsciously and sometimes on purpose. It’s all just horrifying.
I find this kinda life Sucky and crazy uncomfortable and yucky and icky. Kinda like half living. All of this NO INTIMACY Makes me wanna Holla!! Yeah I’m besties with my hubby and my kiddies are “my life” but Seriously!!
I am Raging against the machine. I have decided not to learn” this lesson. I have decided that it is better to love and have loss then to not have loved at all. It is better to know. It is better to be KNOWN. It is better to go in deep and live full and free.
Now don’t get me wrong I do all of this oh so carefully these days. The years of friend – grenades going off have left their mark I must admit. I have little or no patience for small talk and being with people that I feel no organic connection. I am not interested in agreeing about the weather and being with the “cool” crowd…who even knows what that means anymore.
I want to “feel” something I want to be connected to like minded people. I want to dance, travel, laugh and cry. I want to talk about stuff that matters I wanna smell the roses. I want to encourage and be encouraged. I want the space to be honest and full and Me…tiara and all.
Because If the grenade goes off… I wanna have been reaching for soul intimacy.
Live Big or Go Home….
So as you know it’s the day after Halloween which basically means it’s the week before Christmas!!
My daughter woke up this morning and literally wanted to know how many more days we had until Christmas? Huh!!! It was Halloween like 8 hours ago. I felt sweaty and my heart started to race.
Because I realized that they must have gotten to her…
Them…those people…those ADVERTISER Zombies and Make Money Money Vampires had bitten my baby!!!
We all know late last night they were throwing the pumpkins in the trash along with the candy and the scary masks and the wicked witch costumes… some with kids still tricker treating in them!!! Because they are in sucha darn rush to move on to the NEXT Thing. The Next Money Making THING!!
Yeah it was JUST Yesterday! So before you feel pressured to buy your Turkey tomorrow and put your wreath up on Sunday.
I recommend that for just a moment Pause and Breathe Deep. Don’t take down your skeletons and goblins…leave your brilliantly carved pumpkins out!! Take a moment to LINGER…Yep linger and spread out in this moment.
This weekend I challenge you to make a list of all of the ways you want to feel this Holiday Season. Yes FEEL…like I want to feel connected to family. Or I want to feel peaceful or joyful or accomplished or loved. Or I want to meet new people.
Then write a list of what has to be done for the Holidays. I gotta take the kids to see my parents. Or I gotta buy toys, I gotta buy people Christmas gifts. I gotta go to the darn office party…Yes the “Gotta Do” list can go on and on.
Now look and see if how you want to feel and what you have to do make any overlaps. Like I want to feel connected to my family…overlaps with I gotta take my kids to see my parents. Or I wanna meet new people might overlap with the Office Party. Or I want to feel accomplished overlaps with what I need to give people for Christmas ( maybe you make something)!!
Hmmmm Maybe just maybe you can come out on the other end of this Frenzied Season Feeling anything BUT…Frenzied.
Instead you “get to feel” Accomplished and Connected and Surrounded by people and Love.
Just by changing our Perspective we can change the whole Experience.
Ok so that’s my take!!
Cuz gosh darnit I’m still eating Candy!!
Are you a Voyeur? I hope so because I’m about to take you on my Friday Fantasy World of intrigue and make believe… Ok I’ve gone too far It’s Friday and I thought it would be fun to share my alternate Universe Fantasy Friday… Whaaa ha haaaaa ( sorry that’s a Halloween Scary voice)
Absolutely no Judgement in reading …it’s my fantasy.
So the day starts with my own personal Meditation Guru sounding the gong and aligning my chi in my private OM sanctuary ….the candles flicker as the bamboo sways ( cue the soft yogi music). I vibrate with the feeling of Peace, Calm and Oneness…
Finished and re-calibrated on my “Mission of Personal Greatness” Whooohoooo!!
I join my personal trainer “Tracy Anderson” who takes me through my paces in my home gym. ( Cue Rick Ross and “I’m a Boss”) blasting from the speakers.
Finished I run upstairs (dream home moment) Cue the slow motion anything by Beyonce and halo lights.
I enter the children’s wing of the house. They are already stirring and starting to put on their clothes…beds are made and they are in great co-operative Morning Moods!! (Shhhh no input please)
We laugh and I help them into their clothes ( I picked them out they approve) we smell the yummy smells of breakfast floating up the stairs. Whiffs of Fresh coffee brewing and hmmmm I think that’s organic bacon sizzling must be a pancake, egg whites morning. Oh and yes there it is the whirring of the blender as my green drink is lovingly prepared. (Cue Florence from the Brady Bunch)
Kissing the kiddies on the head I proceed to my wing of the house. Where my handsome hubby (yep same one he happens to be my fantasy already) is just coming back from a morning run. All glistening with our morning work out we embrace and passionately kiss as he rubs my just worked out buns of steel. I pull away…no time for that …but then plant a quick furtive kiss just to let him know the evening promises more ….from where that came from. ( Cue heavy sigh followed by “I still got it hmmm hmm”)
After showering I sit to have my hair blown and styled and makeup done for the day…by yes you guessed it Professional Hair and Makeup Folk …I don’t know they names yet.
Coiffed and dressed I join the family for breakfast as we share “Family fun moments”.
Piling into my Hybrid Range Rover ( no they don’t have one yet) I drop the kids off at school and hug and kiss them and remind them “Grandma & Grandpa are picking them up to take them for the weekend” (i say “Grandma& Grandpa” loosely casting still to be determined). They whoop and squeal in delight. And for those who are wondering the aforementiond “Grandma & Grandpa” keep clothes and everything they need at their place so there’s never any need to pack)!! Ha! (Cue the you betta do it music.)
I drive to my Production offices on the Paramount lot where I greeted by my assistant and my head of Productions. They brief me on my day. I then proceed to have back to back high powered meetings regarding my “Shows” on the air my “Films” in the works and my “Book deals”. All items are “rating giants”, “getting the green lights” and in “final edit”. Whooohooo!! I leave my assistant with notes to Hire Hire HIRE. Say yes to 3 speaking engagements ( I do them for young people for free) and set up a meeting to look over the plans for the school we are building.
I then zip off to meet my Besties for lunch Kerry Washington, Beyonce, and Gwyneth Paltrow at an organic unassuming location. The subject “Girl Domination, World Up liftment and of course FASHION” Whooohooo!! No soundtrack needed…Beyonce is at the table!! Oprah calls in and reminds us that we are all meeting her in Cabo at the One & Only for the weekend.
Fast forward to me and the hubby on a moonlit beach in Cabo. Swaying to the music of Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, Jill Scott Adele, (they decided to come down also)
We look loving into each others eyes….we throw our heads back and laugh in complete bliss kiss we can’t believe we get to live this LIFE!!
Ok so this post is not for everyone…gonna say that right off the bat.
It’s opinionated and you can be offended (depending on how you feel right now) But it is me ranting and it is my blog so deal with it or stop reading!
I’m oh so tired of being asked “where am I going?” on any given day because of how I am dressed? As in I got dressed! Many think it is dressed up but for me it’s truly how I like to show up in the world. It’s not being phony or fake or vain it’s caring enough to send my very best me out into the world every day. It’s something my grandmother and mother taught me along with wearing clean underwear ( you never know what might happen in a day). I truly believe clothes do not make you “who” you are but they are the first “representative” that people see before you even speak.
I walk in the world largely as someones mom and someones wife. Well guess what I’m still a singular ME.
Somewhere along the way after Betty Draper wore pearls to kiss Don Draper at the door ( Mad Men reference) We Moms have let go of the idea of tending to ourselves. As if to say the more dishelved we are the more we must Love our kids. I’m calling Bull Sh$%t! Taking care of ourselves is essential to how we feel and how we FEEL effects just about everything in our lives. We dress our kids with care and we think it reflects how we care about them. Well guess what it does! So the same holds true for you. And loving ourselves and taking care of ourselves is a wonderful thing for our kids to mirror later on.
Cuz hey we matter too!!
And think about this we are essentially spending our youth caring for our kids. By the time they leave our house in (5-10-15 years) You will be…well you do the math. Now are you really gonna wait till then… to “Find the Time” ….to get a new dress, heck a new wardrobe, buy some new shoes, buy some fancy face cream, try a new haircut, have a massage, get your nails done, go out for a date night, or a girls night out… or dance into the night. Please live your life!!
Which brings me to my next point…
We Are Not OLD… I repeat we are NOT OLD! You know how I know. Cuz the elderly get discounts and tax credits and special parking spaces. I don’t get any of these. Do You? So until I do I’m retaining my right to be comfortably youthful with a twist of wisdom. I suggest you do the same.
Which brings me to my last point. You are not getting out of this Alive. NO matter what you do or don’t do who you love or don’t love. What dreams you go for or not. This is all ending up in the same place…the grave. With that in Mind. Go For IT!!! Dance class, Painting, blogging, starting your own business, continuing your education, wearing a thong, heels or a bathing suit!! Do It !! No matter what It is. No matter if people think you are dumb or stupid or ridiculous or past the “time” when you “should” be doing this kinda thing. Or dreaming these kinda dreams or desiring this kind of thing.
Who Freakin Cares!!
It’s Your Tiara and YOU Got the Right to WEAR IT!!
We have taken up arms against one another. Yes we have the “Right to Bear Arms” to defend ourselves. Unfortunately those who are picking up their “arms”all too often are the walking wounded.
Wounded by mental illness or perceived offense or open hatred or prejudice or spite or personal vendetta. We are in a post 911 haze of post-traumatic stress syndrome. On guard at all times… Our lives have become a field of perceived land mines.
It has led to untold deaths, murders, killing spree’s and injury.
I am layed low by the enormity of sadness.
Trayvon Martin…. I have no words…
I have a wonderful young son. He is beautiful and innocent and sweet and people look at him and smile. He is only 5yrs old he is a non threat and people smile at him wherever he goes. Black, White old and young they smile. It is involuntary this smile but it lights his world wherever he goes.
But what happens as he grows?
As a mom our hearts are always sad as our babies grow up. Seeing our small bundles grow into full adulthood is a bitter sweet thing. But as he grows as my African American boy grows what happens to others perception of him? Will the smile linger on their faces?
Will his teenage years with all of it’s complexities all of it’s trying to find ones place. Lead to self expression that does not feel so “Open so Sweet So Un- Offensive.
We all know the scowl of the perpetual bored teen, the hair color the clothes… the “hoodies”
Will he be followed in the night …will he be seen as a “threat” will he be shot unarmed…
Will his killer go free…
Will we heal as a nation? Will we stand up and state that we are under “post traumatic stress” and seek help. Seek help for the hidden places in us that “profile” in the name of safety or religious rights or political rights or in defense of of “our Way of Life”!!
Will we take up “arms” in our hearts and in our minds to slay Prejudice and Hatred and Bigotry wherever we see it?
I am praying for this to be just the beginning for this new phase of our dialogue on this planet that we all share .
All of our little bundles are depending on Us…
Ok so a word not used much by adults… and I’m talkin about the kind that have “responsibilities” such as spouses, kids and mortgages and such. Is the word Fun. As in “I had soooo much fun it was crazy”!!! The kids have fun the dog has fun the squirrels look like they are having fun. Me? Well I had a pretty good time. Add in the word raucous and well there are even less takers.
It’s cuz we are sooo damn busy. Busy with the kids and the dogs and the squirrels. Busy with the bills and paying the mortgage and cleaning the house and doing the laundry. We are too busy to have fun. Ugh:( So thank the good Lord for holidays and weekends, birthdays and anniversaries . If ever we are gonna eek out some fun we are at least guaranteed the opportunity to try on one of these days.
For me the Merry Month of May houses my Birthday, my Anniversary and Mothers Day!!
I don’t wanna “look” like I’m having a good time …no posturing no standing in a corner looking cool and drinking. No having hushed conversations about the weather or sports or even kids for that matter. I wanna feel joy and expansion and freedom.
I wanna be free to be Me!!
The kinda free that you sweat out your hair, wear waterproof mascara and take off your heels for…ok maybe not the heels (let’s not get sloppy) but you know what I’m talking about. A little abandon in ones life is a pretty good thing.
Lucky for me I got a guy who thinks that’s not a bad idea himself.
Whooohoo let’s Go!
Drove with the windows down base thumping. Jumped out of the car several times to take pictures in front of our dating landmarks. Complete with a drive by my old apartment where the hubby once climbed up to my bedroom window (2nd floor) to get my attention. I even got a chance to say hi to the new tenant who wanted to see who the hell was taking pictures of his door in the middle of the night. After that drinks at one locale and a romantic dinner at another . And then not ready to call it a night yet. We headed to a club where I proceeded to battle dance two hip guys. Yes I kept my heels on.
As I stood on a couch dancing with a strobe light baton waving in the air . I had a surge of joy that welled up from my tummy. And in the midst of the pulsating beat of the club. I suddenIy saw my kids faces wrapped in hysterical laughter as we played the new “circus stunts” game I had just made up a few days earlier. Really!! Try watching another person try and touch their toes to their ear…ok but this time without your hands!! HA!! We all laughed so hard our faces hurt and then we played the no laughing game right after. Needless to say we were fit to be tied.
I have big Raucous fun at home… !!!
The idea of it made me jump even higher on the couch. The hubby reached out his hand to steady me and to make sure I had my balance…but no need to worry I felt the ultimate balance of a life well lived.
I was living in Pure Magic …strobe light sold separately.
So as you know from my last post I had gum surgery on Monday.
Can I just take a moment to let you know that I put the “H” on my chest and I Handled it…like a Big Girl I might add. It was truly every spine tingly thought that comes to mind when you think of cutting open ones gums peeling them back, scraping and grafting then stitching you back up…while you are Awake. Whatever for the gas. It was ouch, it was Aaaahhh it was the pits.
But since I am on a quest for all things beautiful on my journey. I dug down deep deep deep…(almost as deep as the surgeon) and I came up with my Top 5 Beautiful things about having gum surgery.
#1 You Will Lose Weight- Let’s go straight for the vanity here. I have been hungry going on my 3rd day since surgery. 4 days if you add the day of. My last meal was at 12noon. And throughout this time I have had 1 soft scrambled egg (bafflingly hard to eat) 2 quarters of avocado (mashed and smashed) 1 small bowl of pureed oatmeal (who knew those steel cut oats were so damn grainy) and 1 bowl of lentil soup ( a bowl of warm heaven). And lots of frozen yogurt courtesy of Menchii’s Hi Sara. What have I subsisted on you might ask. Lots and lots of green drinks. Me and Kale and spinach we “like that son”. (hip hop reference). I would tell Jillian Michaels about this. But I think she’s torturing her people enough.
#2 If you ever wondered what the Heck do you “feel” like eating. I can rattle off 20 meals in 20 seconds. This time has really done wonders for meal planning and the Sat night date planning of where oh where shall we eat. I know where and I even know what. Baring any specials ( I looked up all of the menu’s online).
#3 You get a chance to rest your voice. Remember that Edie Murphy Movie about only having a 1,000 words. Well for the first 2 days I really didn’t have much to say. And anyone who knows me knows I LOVE to talk. But Uh huh not lately. And when I did speak what I had to say was meaningful and to the point. Like “If you two don’t stop fighting right now I’m gonna put you both in time out then beat you”. Beat? Seriously !!! Yes!!! Holding ones mouth open for 2 frickin’ hours makes one very grumpy and very very very sore!
#4 You get sympathy and love. Bonus you also get to complain. Now granted I am loved everyday but it’s a special kind of “poor mommy show me your mouth again…oooohhh mommy that looks awful” kinda love and sympathy that well…you just won’t find in the everyday. Complaining? Some people are a natural and have it down to a science. Me I try to stay as upbeat as possible and not be a “high bringer downer” that often. But I have had every right to “tell my story” during this period of time. I have to say that I did feel bad after every telling…only because people are dying in other parts of the world. Hell around the corner I’m sure. This surgery is sucha mild something in the scheme of things. People got some real issues. And well that realization did cut my story short on numerous occasions.
#5 You get to wear silly hats- I love hats. I look good in them and I take my hat wearing quit seriously. Stylish is pretty much the order of the day in this regard. But when you have 2 young concerned “helpers” in the house to well “help” you feel better. Well please don’t underestimate the healing properties of a silly hat 🙂
Aaaahhh I’m feeling better all ready.
Beautiful- A quality that delights the senses especially sight, a High Standard, style grace, ease and symmetry.
Mommy- Loving, kind, hard work, lot’s of work, messes and cleaning and hugging and holding and endless nights…
Can these two be joined?
By nature I am a Seeker a Striver a Doer a Pusher. I pride myself in my warrior spirit in my never give up ness and my take no prisoners attitude. After all I am a Type A personality. Even my blood type points to the fact that I love physicality pushed up to the max. I do everything full out. Clean house (laundry done and folded into neat drawers included) , Happy Children (wrestling on the floor included) Loving Hubby ( head included) “I’m all heart Jerry”!!
That’s the nice version of my tireless striving for perfection…or let’s just call it what it is. I’m a kvetcher, a fidget fest a never done-er. A ….now that we have finished a b c and d where the hell is “E”!!!
This is the “super woman” plight of many a mommy that I have seen. This endless push to do more to do better to… do mo better.
I cycle through life with a feeling that I have to just keep doing, pushing striving. I feel through this doing that I can somehow “earn” my happiness.
But it has occured to me that not only is the “Pursuit of Happiness” making me annoyed it’s making me tired and well it’s making me frown and anyone who knows me knows I don’t like to frown. Cuz well they produce frown lines and that’s just not cute…
And I am All about Cute and Sexy and Elegant and Lovely and fields of Tulips. In the midst of the laundry and the spills and the tears and the fuss and the bills and the stress and the mess. Where oh where are my tulip fields?
I want it all!! But I want it with “Real Simple” style ease and Sophia Loren sexy grace. No grin and bear it. No – all the way to the end of the page with letters loped off. I wanna fit in the margins with room to spare. I want to have moments at the end of the day just to just lay on the floor and look up at the stars. Ok watch a funny movie. And contemplate the color of the Tuscan sky. Ok have time for foreplay not just the main show. And then softly ever so softly drift off to sleep…
Not fall face forward into bed or better yet drag my tired ass to the side and sit, then slump over exhausted. Fitful to the end with the endless “to do” list scrolling through my head.
So as a gift to myself for my birthday its in May!! I am going on a journey, for the next 30 days I’m on an adventure.
To find the flow and the ease and the giggle and the joy and the slide and the glide and the light and the beauty and elegance in all this doing-ness.
I shall journal as I journey…
As I find the Beautiful Mommy Life.
Follow me if you dare 🙂
A Love Orgy!!
A Day put aside for Love…
Not for shootin, killin’, destroying….Not for police stake outs and stand offs…
“Nobody got no time for that!”
Today is about spreading the Love and sharing it.
I know I know they have advertised it…to the hilt!!
It cost a months salary and reservations made back in June.
But I’m not talking about Valentines Day….
I’m talkin about Love Day!
I’m talking about Love on your kids day. Tell your momma you appreciate her day. Dress up for your man day. Pick flowers for your wife day. Write a poem for your spouse day!
I’m talking about REAL LOVE!!!
Give a dollar to a homeless person today. Tell a teacher you think they are great today. Smile at a stranger today!
Get Butt Naked!
No voyeurs on this day. No cynics today… there is always tomorrow. But for today No excuses for not showing us a flash of skin….a slip of a thigh a accidental on purpose wardrobe malfunction. I want it All!
Look there is still time. Yep right now pull out a piece a paper fold it in half cut out a heart….put your name on it…along with the words “You Rock glad you are on the Planet”! Pick some flowers…side of the road will do. Get a bottle of sparkling water (pour out the water) Put flowers inside! You are ready for some random love.
Happy Love day to someone anyone!
Give Full Frontal Today People….!!!
What does the World need Now….!!!
Yep you got it!!
It is night and I am awakened by a sound. I lift my heavy head off of the pillow and listen again to be sure. Yep there it is again the sound of one of my children coughing. I look over at my sleeping husband he stirs ever so slightly. I think to wake him but decide against it. I gently rise from the bed. Stepping into my slippers and grabbing my wrap for warmth. The red dots of the clock reads 3:43am. This is not my first time up this night and who knows if it will be my last.
I search my foggy brain to remember what types of potions I administered last time I was awake. The kitchen looks like a lab of sorts. I open the fridge and pull out a onion and start to cut it. Next a lemon. My homeopathic remedy book is open on the counter worn from use. I put a kettle on the stove. I continue to hear her cough..my throat itches as well and my head is throbbing…poor baby I think to us both. I enter her room and turn the light on dim to see. There she is covers off hot with fever. Soothingly sounds escape my lips as I sit beside her putting my cool hand on her hot brow. Mommy she says I don’t feel so good. I gently set down the tray of goodies I have brought. All things that might help…some to heal, some to eleviate the pain some to calm her spirit. For a moment I feel a shiver of fear as I always do when one of my children are sick. It is a fear of the sick that you know and the sick that you don’t know. The symptoms that you are familiar with and the ones that can send you racing to the ER in the middle of the night.
After administering the medicine I press a cool towel to her head and stroke her back. Her ragged breathing slows and becomes even. I start to move but she moans for me to stay. Yes of course I will. I close my eyes and go into a meditative state. I can feel mothers everywhere doing the same as me. I always feel this connectedness with other mothers in the still of the night. We mothers we own the night.
One mother in particular. Far away I can feel her restless anguish. Her child is being held hostage tonight.
I know her child.
Tears escape my eyes as I hold her shoulders in my prayers. Head bowed low she grieves and fears for her child’s safety.
Moving away from her gently. My spirit lifts and carries me to her child. A young woman a beautiful spirit, a girlfriend of my brothers from years past. She is family. This is not to be comprehended.
At bedtime prayer I asked my kids to pray for her and send one of their angels to her side. “Why does she need one of our angels mommy”? “Because she is not well and she needs their healing strength.” “Ok they say” zoom zap “Our angels are there mommy”!
I see them now in my prayers as I enter the room she is being held.. They are powerful and strong they are standing vigil as she lies in a bed. I sit by her side draping her shoulders with my prayers. She is cold she says. I tell her to carefully identify which of her captures would most likely give her a blanket.
I sit with her.
As I sit with my child.
I think of a mothers love.
So big and so full that sometimes I must tear myself away from the feeling of it. Just as you must turn away from the intense rays of the sun.
It is the great dichotomy of sorts this mothering thing.
The suffocating need for your own space. Followed by the soul ache to be with them again. Followed by the enormity of the task of raising them. Followed by the daily mind numbing annoyance and aggravation that is the routine of teaching them. Followed by the laughter and the light that is them at their best. Followed by the swiftness of the days and the emptiness that is the space they leave as away they fly …into the world.
It is life on acid this mothering thing…it is a trip.
a soul deepening journey.
it is Amazing.
One child is better.
And then Finally…
The other child is Mercifully… Gratefully…Thankfully…
Oh the Enormity of the LOVE!
Ooooo what’s that smell my 5 year old asks as he tumbles into the back seat of our rental “cuz our car’s in the shop” car. I take a big sniff myself and smile. Oh I tell him that’s the smell of a brand new car. Hmmm he says inhaling again as he buckles himself in. “I like that smell, it smells good”. Now this is coming from a kid who is slightly obsessed with all things new. When he receives a new toy he carries it around in the packaging for a few days. And just when he can’t stand it anymore…he carefully pries it free. But not willing to go all the way. He then carries around the toy with the packaging. Is it to assure himself that it is indeed “still new”? One step further and he plays with said toy… very carefully. Careful less it gets a scratch or goodness forbid bent. But alas how much fun can be had in all this careful play? Not a lot. So with inner urgings full to bursting he finally let’s go and let’s it ripppp
… Zipping and Zooming through the day.
I love love this phase because it is only with this type of abandon this type of freedom that you can really see what this toy can do!! Watching him get past the superficial into the real is priceless.
I go on to tell him that there are even sprays for you to re-create that “new car smell” in your old car. Hmmm he says as he mulls that over. Not sure if he thinks that’s any good or not. Finally he declares “yeah mommy that’s great I loved my old jet with the blue tail wing do you remember it mommy” Yes I say. Remembering what a fit he had when the wing had fallen off after a fateful air battle with a friend. Well he says “I wanted a new one but really If you could just spray that spray on it then it would be New again and then you wouldn’t have to buy me a new one.” “Wouldn’t that be great mommy”? I’m realizing he’s decided to have amnesia over the fact that I have not promised to buy him another one at all. But hey that’s besides the point. Yes I agree that would be great.
All of this reminded me about all of the hype over the “New Year”. Some people love the idea of becoming resolute once more. A fresh start, a blank page, a new beginning. Others become anxious and annoyed over the prospect. Resolutions and goals? Seriously it’s just the day after the 31st no more no less. Plus, why set all those goals again only to break them. Aren’t I just setting myself up to fail? The failing is just too much to take. They feel the need to be “careful” with all this newness.
I noticed that as I approached the new year I had become one of the later. I was nervous and downright scared of the prospect of a whole new year a blank canvas presenting itself again. This came as a surprise to me…scared? Why was I scared? I had always been apart of the New Year cheerleading squad. I loved to hit the ground running in the New Year . Starting off with a mind bending cleanse. Where for the good of my internal organs…I wanted to eat sand… I was so hungry. Then I’d do triple meditation. Where I was really only thinking about how good sand would taste right now. Top that off with a rigorous new work out and an unrelenting work list and well I was good to go! Straight into a Hell of My own Making that Is!! I was burnt out by March, with 9 more months of making it happen… to go.
The prospect of this repetition was making me paralyzed as the countdown ticked away. Each day was like a slow motion ball drop in Time Square, minus Dick Clark and The Black Eyed Peas! Aaaaahhh I was falling fast. And it was ruining my celebration. This just wouldn’t do.
Oh if only I had a can of “New Again” spray. I would spray a good dose on all life situations that had become stale, tarnished or just plain ole broken. One good spray could render me “Brand New Again” no rememberence of old heart ache grief and sadness over life not going right. Or at least according to me!
Sadly I went into my meditation on the 29th. Trying to work up the energy to do what I must.
When all of a sudden it happened. I saw in a instant through the chaotic fog of my mind the “Easy” button sold at Staples. You know the one it’s red and round and you push it… and well nothing happens except you remind yourself to take it easy.
Seriously that guy must have made millions on a thing that doesn’t even require batteries.
But it works!
In the pea soup of my soul I pushed with all of my might the “EASY” button.
And immediately I relaxed.
I opened up and re- focused my Inner Eye, to a Life and a Year that I’d never seen before. Seen through eyes that don’t take into account all of the pasts grievencess and perceived failings and missed opportunities of the years before. They are after all her-story.
All of this opened me up to the “Brand New-ness of life”
I was Re-charged, Fear-free and Brand New!
I breazed through a Juice cleanse and lively meditations. Incorporated healing Yoga and nature enriching hikes. I lost pounds and baggage and It all felt so free and easy!
With batteries charged I was ready to enter my New Year.
Ready to let go and play free. Not afraid of the bumps and bruises that are sure to come in a life well lived. But willing to go full out and even when I fall to pick myself up dust off and start … Anew…not just Again!
New car smell and All!!
It’s hot and my energy is low and I’m feeling around for the plug to plug in my phone. My hands search for the place that it should but I’m not finding it. So then I go on a true search as my anger mounts. Usually this is not such a big deal. It’s all in the day of being a mommy. The kids have probably taken the plug to plug in their various games and toys and have left it somewhere among their stuff .
But right now the locust are upon me and my ” things don’t bother me pile” is over flowing into the “don’t fu&*$ with me basket”!
Straw meet camel.
Did I mention that I’m also plagued with the inability to see. I’m not talking about the I wear contacts and glasses kind of I can’t see and ( yes I wear those too). I’m talkin bout even with said contacts in -or glasses – on I see thru a glass smeared in vasaline…I’m in a Kandisky painting and it’s not one of the pretty ones.
But this inability to see is totally trumped by the fact that they are also running and blood shot. It’s official.
I am a Hot Mess!
After a trip to the eye doctor I come home with a wad of prescriptions and a totally unsatisfactory name for what is plaguing me. “Dry Eye”. What the Hell? I need a name like one of the ones they use for all of the 101 new drugs they want us to “Ask our Doctor about” . You know a hip cool concern inducing name like Eyeretoniosis! Yeah that feels about right hard to pronounce and you definitely feel a get well card might be waranted.
But dry eye does nothing to express the misery I feel as I shield my eyes from the slightest of light and skulk around in dark sunglasses like someone out of Twilight.
“Come out side to play mommy?”
Sorry kids I can’t… I have dry eye.
This along with just enough energy to get me through the morning …has me feeling down right concerned.
What is happening to me?
I google the symptoms.
I don’t recommend this!
According to them I need a Will and great insurance.
I go to the Doctors not the dry eye one the other one. And they take blood…seems like lots of it! I remind them that my energy is low…maybe I can’t spare that much blood. They smile and keep drawing.
Another unsatisfactory report.
According to your blood work you are fine…as far as I can see. Is he looking at me the “the hot mess”?
He asks…”Are you under a lot of stress”?
I arrive home with nothing… no news worthy of the “situation” that is me.
My husband takes my hand as I walk in the door rambling on.
“Sit down” he says as he hands me a glass of water.
I sit and talk.
I drink and talk.
“Lie down” he says.
I lie down talking.
Close your eyes.
I close my eyes as I continue to speak of my plight.
I become quiet.
Now he says “rest yourself”.
A completely foreign Idea.
He strokes my head as he speaks of me in foreign terms…
“You are Perfection…Magical and Amazing. Your strength is dazzling and your beauty is divine… Your creativity blows me away….
“I am humbled by your vision of life and our future”
I quietly listen.
I allow the words to cover me like a cool compress to the head. To relieve the raging heat of the “gotta get stuff done- ers” To quiet the riot that is me…missing my mark!
I see myself “clearly” through my Beloveds Eyes!
And I am Perfect and Luminous because I am Loved!
All 5’4 and quarter inches of the Mess that I am…right now.
And in that moment I know I will be fine no matter what google says.
I Know that this Love this kind of being Loved!
Will make me well again…
A tear falls…
Something in me uncoils…
I relax as I slip into healing sleep!
Aaaahhhh the power of Love!!
A quiet nobody needs you moment. No calls to return moment .
A long morning stretching into a long afternoon and l o n g n i g h t…. moment.
Where I catch myself staring into the baby blue abyss of nothing ness as my toes sink into white sand, and the sweat drops from my 3rd margarita… moment.
Hmmm sorry did you say something….
I’m looking for one of those dinner magically appeared moments …come to think of it so did breakfast and lunch yep like magic just kinda out of the blue moments.
And I truly am sorry but I need a don’t call mommy moment.
A… I just sat down but now you need one more thing…but I don’t have to get it moment.
Where I kinda just watch you being cared for and then we laugh and chat…mommy moments.
Hmmmm what kinda moment is that…oh yeah “Having Help” moments.
Where I can enjoy you but someone else takes care of your moment to moment…Moment !
I need that.
That’s what I need.
But until that moment … there is this one.
The one where this day is almost done and I have figured it out again moment.
Where my house is clean and the kiddies are played with and fed and put to bed…Lordy…thank you moment.
This quiet… free of laughter and play and strife and yearning and doing and list..ing … Moment.
I have done this.
I didn’t fall down on the job today moment.
I worked my body and my mind today moment.
I answered the emails and the texts and calls today moment.
I kept my spirits up today moment.
This Now moment where I’m gonna sit down as the fan whirs and the kiddies sleep and the hubby cuddles and the night falls moment.
I have been working myself to the corners! All the corners of my life are filled.
From the get up with the kids and the meals and the snacks and the rubbed faces and the clothes and the breakfast and the backpack and the wave goodbye at the door.
To the water and the meditate and the cardio barre and the shake.
To the sweeping and cleaning and scrubbing and wiping and washing.
To the calls and appointments and meetings and emails …and calls.
To the tweeting and texting and blogging and writing…and writing.
To the pick up and homework and dinner and talking and playing.
To the goodnight stories and hugging and kissing and tucking.
To the emails and texting and posting and writing.
All the corners
So as I drug myself to run this morning I could feel the steam rising from my skin my head my finger tips!
I’m pissed off
Where is my SHIT!!!
Where is the effort reward ratio!!
I mean REALLY… !!!
Then somewhere in the second mile I began to laugh.
No not all of a sudden.
It started off as a quicker pace. Then a twitch in my belly. Then a eye raise …then a smirk.
Then a full Laugh!!
I am RUNNING… Pissed Off!!
I’m not lying in my bed letting the covers absorb my pity party. Or eating my pity with a side of donuts. Or being further drug down by inactivity and FOX News.
To all that would try to get me down.
As a middle finger to any thought in my mind that I am not loved and supported.
To put on notice any thought that says that I AM not enough that what I am doing is not of importance.
I am Running!
And as my stride lengthens.
A kinda peace sets in.
My shoulders feel lighter and my head clearer.
An attitude of Gratitude fills my corners.
My Husband, My Children, My House, My Love, My Life.
Pushes the corners and expands them till I have room….
To See that
I am Still Running!
You Glow Girl 🙂
My daughters birthday is coming up in a couple of days and with all of the prep and getting ready for the fun I am invariably asked the question “what does she want for her birthday”? Well as the mom I come up with all kinds of roundabout lists of what “I want for her”. More books some new tops, a hoola hoop (both of us want that) some new crayons. And the things I don’t want please oh please no small plastic toys! Ok so I don’t actually say that. But I’m screaming that in my head. Especially when I’m looking at said plastic toy discarded underneath the couch 2 days later. “Little play ponies” teeny tiny fake comb never to be found again…until of course we move or we break “Little Pony”! Or I throw him in the trash. Yes I have been known to do such a thing.
Now if you have the pleasure of asking my daughter what she wants. She with out fail – with a slur only a little toothless mouth can produce, say “the ability to fly”! Much to my complete laughter and awe I have listened to her tell Santa the Easter Bunny and write it out for the tooth fairy and anyone else who comes bearing gifts.
The Ability to Fly!
There it is as simple as can be and as delightful and unanswerable as they come. I love to watch the responses. From the stutter. To the laugh. To the justification of just how…they might be able to contribute to such a feat. Flying in an airplane. No not the same she declares. Jumping out of said airplane – Oh no why would anyone do that she states non plussed.
But the reaction I love the most is the big grin and delighted clap of hands
as the person expresses how they too used to want that ability.
Aaaahhh the Joy of a shared experience. It gives the most satisfaction.
When I was a child I really used to think that I could fly. I’d wake from such vivid flying dreams that I was sure Tinker Bell or her step cousins – sister had sprinkled me with fairy dust. If only I didn’t toss and turn so much at night. There would be enough to give me a little flutter flight boost in the day.
One could think that this is just the whimsy of a child. But I am sure that if asked most of us really don’t even know what our hearts desire is. That isf course past a break from work or a nap. Or a vacation or a break from work with a nap.
But that is just momentary.
Your hearts delight and desire is much deeper than that.
Right now my heart is set a flutter with the thought of a trip around the world. A crazy glamorous trip culminating in living in a exotic place for a year and immersing myself in their culture.
Aaaahhh whew there… it’s out!
How long has it been since you have asked for what you really want. With out fear of sounding ridiculous?
Or even just admitted it to yourself. In a small corner of your mind. The honest unadulterated truth of just what you want.
I believe the ability to fly is not the only thing my child wants. She desires to express herself and speak her truth unencumbered.
I shall do that today.
Desire my trip around the world. Without thought to how impossible it is and where would the money come from and what babysitter would come with us on such a crazy adventure, because we would want a date night…and how and where would the money come from…did I say that already!
Just the Desire is enough….
So I have been spending more time than I would care to lately caught up in the muck of the everyday. The rush of growing a business, nurturing children, loving a husband, keeping a house and all that it entails.
The have – To Do’s, the Lists, the commitments, THE CLEANING!
So much so that I was really having a hard time focusing. What should I do now and what could I leave for later. What truly has to be done first thing in the morning what has to be completed before going to bed? Volunteering, Bake Sales tweeting, twitting and blogging. Yikes!
I literally felt like a rubber band that was being pulled and pulled. Instinctively you put your hands over your eyes not wanting to see the inevitable snap back. The sting and the ouch of what is sure to follow such a
S T R E T C H…
But then something happened.
I took a nap.
A how could you in the middle of the day with so much to do nap.
And during that time I released the tension of the day …and the lists and the to do’s and became one big resting “I AM”
“I AM” I had recently received a tattoo of the mantra that plays in my head every night before sleep. I always say ” I am that I am” repeated until I fall off into slumber. I never knew exactly why I chose this verse of the bible but it just always felt right and I would find myself doing it night after night.
But when Jennifer Pastiloff a awesome Yogi teacher and friend. http://manifestationyoga.com/ gave me the tattoo I was struck by the stubby shortness of the mantra I had been saying.
It begged to be finished and given life to and embellished and breathed into.
Or just left to float in it’s total completeness.
What “AM I” Creating… Manifesting? What is my Vision?
I sat up and wrote the list. No it wasn’t the first time I wrote my list but it was the right now in this moment list. I updated my vision board thanks Elise Ballard you rock.
Then I asked myself are the items on my ‘to do” list serving this vision? If not how can the pesky peskers be promptly removed so that they no longer buzz around my ears.
And if they are apart of my vision how can they be done with such grace and ease that they feel as if no effort is being expended at all…
I opened my eyes alert…ready…relaxed…expectant!
“Being” never tasted so good.
I Love the Magical Month of May. Around every bend in the road there are yummy surprises for me. My birthday My anniversary and Then The Beloved Mothers Day!!
Oh what tired fun that day brings…
The homemade gifts of what exactly is that?….Oh right thank you so much it is exactly what I wanted. The cards made out of things sticky and glittery. The almost burnt food and the hand picked wilting flowers. All of them I smell, touch, taste and gather they are my special treasure.
But my Absolute favorite, favorite part is the very first thing in the morning. The bright wide eyes that greet me. They peer at me underneath their beloved gifts that their outstretched hands now offer up to me. They have been WAITING to give them to me for hours and oh so many days.
These eyes stare unblinking wanting to take in every moment of my oooohs and aaaahhs. There to spot the smallest misting of what might be a tear.
So proud of what they have done. So Assured of it’s acceptance.
And as the tears did drop and my ooohs and aaaahs were uttered… so very real in the moment.
I was stuck by a new thought!
I wondered when was the last time I looked like that. So proud in my offering… so sure of it’s approval!
Was I in 4th grade or 5th or hopefully even later.
When did the criticism outpace the gift.
When did the not good enough-s and the second guess-ers come to visit and then take up resident in my head? When did I begin exploring new ideas in the privacy of my own heart and mind but become un-willing to take them out to play?
I have worked so hard to cultivate a knowingness that I am good enough and that what I have to offer is good and even on occasion great.
But rarely do I catch a glimpse of that bright eyed girl that I know I must have been. So ready to take a chance at every turn on something new and silly, fun and adventurous…oh come what may!
So now I take every effort to coax her out into the open to let her raise her eyes and hands to the world to Gift her pride and Joy her “Works of Art” her life.
Unafraid of the criticism or lack of appreciation because she knows.
That what comes from her is oh so Yummy Sweet and Good Good Good….
Sometimes creating the life you always imagined is daunting and down right challenge ridden. But looking at the challenges in a new way is a great brain trick. Athletes are a constant example of going beyond what you think can be done. A pure example of stereotypes, records and doubts being shattered.
I mean look at Jeremy Lin.
The wonderfully unexpected! In his heart he is just being the best “Lin” he can be. He has no pre conceived notions of what he can or cannot do. He knows that the sky is the limit we are just the Witness to the unfolding of his potential.
What greatness is in You waiting to be tapped?
Will Smith has been quoted as saying ” Reading and Running” is a great way to evoke change and charge your spirit. I totally agree. Any problem you can think of has been experienced by another and they have written about it. And of course the idea of training your mind to go further and do more is the running example.
I feel this first hand when practicing Yoga. I love how the mind body connection shows you just how strong you are and who is really in charge… our minds.
There is a position chaturanga that is basically a “Push Up”. It is a constant part of Yogi vinyasa. Chaturanga to plank, chaturanga to plank you hear the instructor call out. As your arms start to shake and your mind screams no way not another one. A wonderful instructor once said, ” Now push the ground away. ”
Wow! Something deep inside me clicked.
I mean i couldn’t do another push up …but i could push the ground away!
Get out there.
Push yourself further ask more from… you.
No chin ups for you Pull down the SKY!!
So I had a rendevous yesterday a middle of the day spur of the moment..what you doin’? I Wanna come over and meet ya moment..
With My Husband:-)
Nothing like the unpredictable any Day of the Week “Day Date” to knock the predictable Sat where are gonna go, do and eat? Out of the Water!
Where are we Going? Well wherever is the meeting point between wherever you are. This makes for a plethora of new spots to hit.
What are we Gonna Do? Well hey that depends on Location Location Location…and how much time you got….I’ll let you ponder on this.
What are we gonna eat? Something new I hope and yes it has to include desert. I do let that no no go on these delightful days:-)
Stir in a last min spritz of perfume, a gloss of the lips and a big wide Smile followed by a giggle. And well it’s sure to be the best 30 – 40- 60 min you’ll spend all week.
The scanning of the room
The locking of the eyes…
The escape from the everyday!
A Breath, a Pause, a Stillness a S T O P the Presses moment
Before the Horns start Honking, and your Mind Chatter Starts Talking. Before the Coffee starts Brewing, your Wants start Spewing and your Life starts Chewing Away at You…
Or So It Seems…
Take a Moment to Sit in the Stillness
To Rest Your World Weary Mind…the kind of Weary that Sleep cannot erase.
Take a moment Right Now.
To Rest In Thank – Full- ness
The I Have Life- ness, and Breath- ness and Health-ness
and Roof over my head-ness.
That I am Conscious and Aware Yes In This Moment
Take a Moment…
And let that knowing- ness F L O O D Your Mind, Body and Spirit bringing with it a Sense of Well Being.
A Fragrant Aroma of
I Am All RIGHT,
It is All- Right
A Way Is Being Made for Me TODAY!!!
You know the constant burn in your heart for the latest and greatest. The intoxicating gaze that follows the new issue of your favorite magazine as you cut and paste yourself into the newest trend. The idyllic searching on zillow for your dream house…when.
Oh what a kind stillness that has been.
Now during this hiatus of want I have been busy- very busy Creating and Doing and Being.
Creating… a short film whoohoo for me and my chocolate boy wonder.
Doing… a bang up job of being a parent… thank you God for the strength and the patience for my dear younguns.
Being… a veritable sponge of insight and spiritual Growth. Thank you Dr. Beckwith you are a marvel.
I guess with all of this activity the art of wanting of things, has just had no air to breath.
Doing – Silence
But as the breeze cools off and the days become shorter i find myself slightly breathless over a new Chloe bag on Gilt.
Maybe there is just a season for wanting…
Just when I was beginning to feel a bit virtuous over my tag free closet.
Well then it’s time for the money to flow…
Cuz the season of Acquiring is fast upon me.
Don’t forget to clean your closets first.
i know I just couldn’t resist.
Happy Fall Shopping!
…The days seem endless and your feet know the way without the aid of the mind.
And it’s not that traffic has stopped or the kids have stopped running and yelling. Or that the tea party have all gone home and decided to drink coffee.
It just feels like nothing Big or New is Happening. You are on day 20 of 95degrees hot blue skies with a scattering of clouds. All radio stations are playing the same 10 songs with nothing new on rotation. And well you find yourself staring into space as the the crickets play a tune and your window fan blows your curtains to a timed beat.
The question is….
Rage Against it…?
Or stare and try not to blink…?
Cuz change is a comin’…
Wow I think it’s that one.
Here is to the Fleeting Moment…Enjoy…
You know the old adage of someone walking around seeing the world through rose colored glasses. Well I’m wondering why that’s such a bad thing. I mean with the state of things today we could all use a rosier hue and a new spin on things!
I was just in New York and had the most fabulous time. That town truly does not disappoint! From Times Square to Soho and all the points in between. The town is truly bustling and alive and well oh so like the New York of film and paper.
Being there feeling this way reminded me of the years I spent there right out of school and totally broke. Completely different scene. I felt everyone was having the exciting time but me. So many people and still the need to find a friend. Hustling for a job and living in a closet. Those were all the New York of old memories for me. But here I was all grown up, complete with hubby and kids. Staying uptown and feeling oh so fine as I floated from tavern to cafe and museums in between. My rose colored glasses firmly on my nose!
I came home and decided to keep them on… my glasses of rose. Seeing my whole life in a different light. The familiar sights take on a nostalgic view as I see them for what they are. A moment in time. Both the grocery store and the house. The annoying neighbor and the too busy kids. All just a moment. And soon it will all change and move on… or should I say I will change. The kids will grow, the store will be bought by another, the neighbor will move…or you! And it will all be seen by another pair of eyes. Seeing it brand new and exciting.
I decided as often as I can remember that, that someone will be me!
Rose colored glasses pushed high on my nose as the “New” floods my “Old” view again.
Be unafraid truly!
I drain Fear from my body daily as a ritual in my morning prayers and meditation.
Only to drain it again the next day and the next and the next…
Fear of what?
For me Fear of how people perceive me and of course the all consuming fear of Failure!!
Am I talented…successful…pretty…special…worthy.
I feel rated daily by how I am received. Who reaches out who talks to me who returns my calls…
Connection is so important to me. To feel connected and understood!
And yet truly a size able piece of luggage.
To feel complete in ones own Company and ones own opinion brings about a certain peace.
It’s the center that I continue to shift myself back to daily.
My favorite figures in history are all Figures of Freedom.
People who followed the voice in their head and the muse in their heart. Even in the face of the naysayers or the less then enthusiastic supporters. Or the “no support” at all.
How do you do that and still be “apart”?
Apart of society…and family…
Be a mom and a wife…
And yet hold onto the Forward thinking in your Face Bold ness that marks a true…
A Spirit that is indeed Free!
My favorite weapon of choice has always been my humor. My whip smart ability to assess a situation and then give my truly unasked for Opinion. Wrapped up in a cozy blanket of humor. So warm and cozy that you don’t instantly feel the cool breeze of my take on the present situation.
I use humor like most people use salt…on everything and everyday.
Yes it does make most things more palatable. But is it also getting in the way of the true taste of ME and what I think and feel.
I believe ultimately the humor is me the “real me.” It’s my own particular “voice” and how I articulate my take on the situation.
But in the times that I know that it is strained. That I am reaching…in order to not be uncomfortable with “how it be”.
I am learning to Let Go… not reach to fill in the gap. Let the comment lie in the emptiness of the pause that it left behind.
Let them think what they may.
That is what I had to say.
Oh the Boldness…of the Silence!
It’s so interesting when you start to get to know yourself again. You know when your life slows down just enough to “really notice” that no matter how warm it has been all day you will still reach for socks to wear to bed. When you realize that your favorite color is not the sunny yellow you always tell everyone but it is blue and orange and red and every color of green. When you realize how many times a day you do what “you are supposed to do” Like the dishes or the laundry or “listen” half heartedly to whomever saying whatever. When what you really want to do if given a chance is… nothing and then read a magazine and then nothing and …then eat a brownie…then nothing.
But instead you “listen” and “do” and say “yellow”.
But every now and then you get a moment. Like I have right now to get a glimpse of me and well…I really really like deep red velvet!
Thank you baby…
for this moment…
Sooo It’s official my birthday Month and week are so very ON!!! And I am excited. I love that no matter what is going on in my life and no matter the age I am turning…( I admit I felt it was all over at 28yr old) there is a little light that goes off in my head and the confetti pops off and the champagne starts flowing any ole way!! It’s great to feel that way. It’s almost a relief to let the light forces take over and power my trip for awhile. I am alive another year. It’s my own personal New Year where I get to celebrate who I am and what I am creating. Yes the creation list is long and can be a bit of a downer ,but It really makes me feel like another day another chance to “Rock it how I want to”!!
So Happy New Year… Happy New Day to me!!
All the big Words and Emotions…I love to think about them and use them. I love to roll them around on my tongue…oh especially on the days I feel dull, uninspired and oh so small. You know those days when mere existing is a struggle. Finding something that is not all black to wear. Hair just sitting up there completely unrelated to one another let alone to your head. The days people feel like they are careening into your path no matter which one you take. Those are the days that I stop and close my eyes and say… Elation, Ecstasy, Joy. First time is never the charm. But upon repetition. They cause my fingers to put on a tune and my head bobs ever so slightly and well the feeling shimmies down to my hips and they begin to unconsciously sway.
After all I have put on “Closer” by Corinne Bailey Rae.
Oh Oh oH the Elation, the Ecstasy the Joy. Of it all!!
Whooo I feel… I Feel… I’m FEEEEELING…..
“Oh it’s All About Consistency… no wonder the shit don’t work!” Dahn Elle
Consistency -” Compatibility harmony between things, acts or statements” Websters.
How often have you stopped doing something because you hadn’t seen any results?
How long were you doing it for?
“I want to be fit”…” I want great skin” I want to keep love in my life” ” I want to be successful”. The Wanna list goes on and on. But in order to “Be” those things we have to “Do” the things that are compatible with that statement!
You wanna be fit? Then you got to get up and run, walk do something. Consistently.
You wanna keep the Love alive? Make the time to get out enjoy one another, talk, laugh…have sex oh yes make love….Consistently!
I have discovered that being consistent is one of the most difficult tasks I have Ever encountered in my Whole Life!! Will power is so fleeting. Having the endurance to focus truly day in and day out is completely mind boggling in it’s impracticality.
But yet it is required. Or at least it is completely Necessary …MOST of the time. Ask any athlete, musician, designer,painter how often they work on their craft.
We all know Practice makes Perfect. If not Perfect it sure makes Better!
Look at your daily routine… because it is a true testament to what you want and what you are willing to do to get it.
And also a testament to what you say you want…but hey you’re not ready to be consistent about it…at least not yet!
And that’s where support comes in. Having people you incorporate in your life to help you be accountable for the things that require so much effort on your part.
I have always been pretty motivated person but I also know when I need help or a little push.
A year and a half after I had my second child I was still not at my goal weight and decided to try Jenny Craig. What a wonderful dream it was. Apart from the teeny tiny portions:-) I loved the idea that someone spelled out for me what I was supposed to eat and no more. Even telling me the times I was supposed to eat them. Brilliant …There was a Plan to help support my desire to lose the weight.
Check out those areas in your life that you might need another perspective, a little more structure or an extra boost and reach out and make that happen.
IT will Enhance your Life!
Here is to …Getting Fly with a Little Help from My Friends…
This is all about the return of the “Mojo” the return of all things Big…Big Dreams…Big Ideas…Big Sexy!
I’m in that wonderful never land of the 35-45yr olds. It’s not the demographic “most desired” by the advertisers and well not by most in general. It’s kinda the wasteland of Womanhood. It’s knee deep in childrearing and husband tending. Or trying to figure out where is the husband to tend to. Ugh! And double ugh where are the children to rear? It’s the land of youth mourning and stress soaring.
Where is the beauty where is the peace and the joy. Where is all the things those damn romance books promised you would have once it all settled down and you …well Matured.
My mission should you choose to accept it…is to be a Mo-Juvenator. To help Motivate and Rejuvenate your Mojo. Because the truth is. This is “Still” Our Youth. Look around “middle” ain’t till your 50’s and 60’s ( don’t look at Madonna) and “old” Ain’t till ya 70’s and 80”s (don’t look at Jane Fonda)
So quit all the crying and moaning. You can still actually have it like you want it “still” right now. The body, the peace, the style, “The Life”
It’s not about the money …it’s about the Vision the doing and En-Visioning, what you still “REally Want” out of Life!
I want it All
Soo This Week is all about working it up and out! From head to toe. Wardrobe and fitness included. How do we make our life and schedules work. How do we go from should, would to did! I’m always trying to find ways to do make my life better and more efficient. I am a Long Way from the “Martha Stewart” I see in my mind, but this week I will share what I know so far…
I’ll start from the top and work my way down. I have realized that if I don’t take a few minutes in the morning to pray and meditate my day is haphazard at best and truly a disaster at worst. I call it my Miracle 15 and it truly is that! First you have to know what time you are “supposed” to get up in order to not be a mess of crazy running. Then you have to back pedal 15min before that. And stick a pin in it! Yes this is the time you must arise. For me that is 5:55am ooohweee! Shock and Awe every morning I have to say:-)
I do 2 sets of breathing techniques 3 minutes each a mantra a grounding and Declare into the Universe my Intent for the Day and for My Life!! All while listening to my “Magic” sound mix especially designed for this time! I feel Floating and Invincible at my most and Grounded at the very least!
Here is my Mantra. I’d love for you to give it a try. It was developed by Dr Hew Len. To Heal and Restore. I Love You, I’m Sorry, Forgive Me, Thank You! Repeated aloud while seated. One of my favorite sounds on my Magic Mix is a track called Attraversiamo by Dario Marianelli from the Eat Love Pray Sound Track. This track never ceases to fill me with Hope and Wonder as I breathe and Heal!
Here is to a Transformative Day!
It starts. Skeletons and Pumpkins Pumpkins everywhere. Okay remove the scary ones. On to the sweet ones along with golden colored leaves. Okay done with that. Tree up day after Thanksgiving… okay not so much. Then Amazing elaborate Christmas decorating! OOooweeee Party Party Party. New Years comes round and its’ all coming to an end… Fast.
Now here is where it all gets a bit fuzzy. Christmas down before New Years? Argh I love the lights and my fire hazard tree! There should be a couple of grace days.. to well… take it all down.
Sat I had a couple friends in the fight. Sun only my bff the house across the street. Monday I was shamed. My lights no longer heralding some wonderful birth, some jolly old man. Nope just lazy neglect. I think I can hear whispering.
Christmas is down. Me and the kiddies and the hubby I might add are forlorn, relieved and well a little bit Hesitant!
I have no idea what wreath to put on the door….
There is a clean quiet hush…
Wait do I see a heart?