I was just wondering how well we are all doing on the #Sisterhood front?
We speak about it in hashtag form quit a lot on SM but if we all had a report card on how well we are really doing in our small groups of women I wonder how well we would fair?
At our jobs, schools, community! How kind, warm welcoming are we?
I have definitely had more than my fair share of friendship & female related heartache. In fact it’s been a pretty bumpy road in that regard in the last few years. I’ve often wondered what is it that creates chances for us to get it so wrong amongst one another.
The biggest issues that I’ve noticed is… We cliche up and keep out others.
We’re good as long as we agree.. Our ability to hear the truth when it isn’t pretty is kinda slim to nah
And the likelihood of being able to tell the truth to each other and still move past the conflict seems to be even slimmer.
And that’s just counting the times we actually talk about what’s bothering us. Most times we just grow apart neither willing to venture into an area of conflict.
After my breast cancer moment last year I went through a period of “feeling some kind of way” about how my community of women friends either stepped up or didn’t.
I spoke honestly to anyone who I felt warranted a conversation.
Some conversations went well others not so much.
I am fiercely in favor of healthy female interactions. I know that we are not all gonna be “Besties” that’s not the point. Rather it’s about the way we respect each other and encircle one another in the common ground we all share.
I challenge each of us to be brave enough to speak and hear truth from our women tribe. To move past our egos and dive into our insecurities and decide to not let them drive wedges to separate us. To be warm to other women even when we don’t know them.
We are all apart of a large and beautiful tribe #Womanhood
We are stronger together!
So my heart has been heavy for weeks for days for months. Everytime I turn on anything electronic it seems to glow and pulsate with YUCK!! So many Ugly, Mean, Yuck things happening in the world and along with it another unarmed Black Man killed !!! WTH!!
I’ve been pretty speachless with how and what to say, so I’ve said nothing.
Maya… Mandela at times like these oh how I miss them. Their wisdom their way of seeing the world through the lens of understanding and love even through the chaos.
What I know for sure.
This must STOP!
I’ve decided the only thing I can do is start with me. For me, what I feel is a burning desire in my own life and out of my mind and typed into my computer and spoken out of my mouth is to change this narrative. This fear mongering, wall building, bomb making, gun shooting, virus of hate and fear.
Fear is the opposite of Love.
It might sound simple minded but at times like these I turn to magical life saving LOVE.
So I have sat and filled myself up with it daily and let it spill out through every pore.
I am a Wife to …a Sister to… a Mommy to… a Auntie to …a Friend to …many Black Men.
They must not be hunted, followed, accidentally on purpose shot, choked, beaten, killed in our streets.
Over a traffic light stop, broken tail light, mistaken identity, mental illness, book fall off lap, reach for ID, raised hands, slowly raised hands, hood on young head anymore.
Like everyone they are not perfect but they are loved by many.
They are #Magic
on this #ThankfulThursday I am so thankful to know and love so many of these Magical Creatures.
May this love spill out all over every single thing. May it be catching. May it be contagious and may it grow and morph and gain speed and turn the tidal wave of fear to magical love.
Simply that is my prayer.
So I realized yesterday that I have a touch of Cancer. As I held my shiny new purple binder in my hand I let the idea of it do back flips in my mind. As I read through my shiny new purple binder I let it whisper in my ear and tell all of the neighbors. “She has a touch of Cancer.” Well actually my girlfriend told me that’s what I had as I sobbed to her and another friend almost incoherently on the phone. I gasped and sputtered and struggled to catch my breath as I told them about my shiny new purple binder. They patiently strained to hear and waited until I calmed down enough to string a sentence together. And then oh so knowingly my friend said “Yeah Babe you’ve got a touch of Cancer” and I melted into the moment and I knew she was right. “I got a touch of Cancer”.
Not the kind where you sound the alarm of all hands on deck to your family and friends because you are in for the fight of your life. Not the kind that your life completely stops and no one expects you to go in for work. Or the kind that your mom has to be on the next plane to sit by your side, take care of your kids and cook dinner while you loose your precious hair in the sink.
Not that kind.
Just a touch.
Just enough to get yourself a shiny new purple binder full of numbers that I might need and a Oncology Doctor and Nurse and Nurse Navigator and Free Yoga and Therapy sessions and free validated parking at a shiny new Cancer Research Center.
Just a touch seems to be enough around here.
Ok to be fair the Doctor told me a month ago. He said my ATHP had moved up a notch to DCIS. Commonly called O Stage Breast Cancer WTH?!!! Now mind you I was having enough trouble already understanding and pronouncing my ATHP, Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia. Which basically means you got calcium deposits that are hanging out in groups and getting kind of lumpy and well they’re making the Doctors kinda jumpy. Cool no problem let’s get those puppies on out of there. Now I should mention that I have been on a very slippery boobie journey with an odd cast of characters for 8 months now. And I have been a pretty mildly interested blasé passenger all along the way.
It started in August when I had my annual mammogram. I say annual very loosely cuz truth be told I was supposed to go in for it in May. Whoops. But hey It was my birthday, anniversary, then the summer and you get the picture I had things to do. So I finally made it happen in August. Afterwards they called to say that I needed to come back in again cuz “something didn’t look right.” I said sure no problem, I’ll get right back to you… in 2 MONTHS!!! HA!! Oh don’t look at me like that. This was my regular mammogram office routine. I think they love me there (though I don’t know anyone by name) and they always want me to come back. I have fibrous breast, so I expect that call. In fact in my house we’ve jokingly decided it’s just a medical scam to get more money out of us. Year after year I endure two mammograms a year while my friends only get one. Squeeze and Squeeze. Yikes, It hurts and it gets costly! So you can see why I wasn’t in the mood for their shakedown right away. I did feel slightly shame faced once I did return. While looking at my chart the technician mentioned she was happy that I had “found the time” to come back in again. Blink blink weak smile. But then when it was over, instead of getting dressed and heading out to finish my errands as I always do. I was ushered into another room and told a doctor would be with me shortly. Well, this is new. The Doctor comes in and lets me know that I truly have something that doesn’t look right. Sure ok fine what’s next? Well what was next was…Ultrasounds, MRI’s, Steriatic Breast Biopsy’s, More Mammograms, and a Biopsy Lumpectomy.
I drove myself to and from each appointment unwilling to enlist the working hubby or a friend cuz hey we are all busy and it’s just silly procedures anyway.
I got this.
In fact I did “have it” – mostly. Most procedures were fine maybe uncomfortable but nothing to write home about until I hit the Stereotatic Needle Biopsy. Now that was a revelation. Lying awake, face down and to the side. I was told not to move. With my boobie in a vice and a needle stuck in me while I dripped blood for 30 minutes and listened to the nurse and doctor argue about “where” the placement of the needle was supposed to be. REALLY?!! Finishing that only to have another Mammogram on the spot to make sure that the thingy they put in me was in PLACE. WT!!!??
I broke and cried all the way home.
Then I brushed myself off made dinner and rushed to get the kiddies.
It wasn’t even until I was gonna take a Uber to my surgical lumpectomy (the hubby was coming after he dropped the kids at school) that I had a mini intervention from a friend who insisted on driving me. Honey Sweetie Pie out patient or not you’re having surgery and it might be good to have a friend hold your hand. Yes and yes it was!
I cried after I came home. Not because of the surgery, that was fine I was sleep. But there was this business with putting in a “wire” beforehand that threw me for a loop. Needle, boobie, vice grip, wire, awake… UGH!
But hey that was all over. Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia GONE and calcium deposits WHOOSH out da Door!!
I sat down for a day or so then got back to life. School, kids, dinner, lunches, work, hubby,dog…Girl Scout Cookie selling….retreat planning, movie making I was so busy that I didn’t realize that I hadn’t heard from the Doctor. I mean I wasn’t really checking for his call. Sure I had some missed calls but I don’t know nobody from West Hills!!
Yeah Maybe Ya do Babe!
The Doctor finally tracked me down a week and a half later. I was on my way over the Canyon (bad cell service) to a meeting. He said something about me being a hard woman to reach. I told him I thought no news was good news. He said and I quote “No. No News is No News”! Blink Blink. Then I thought he said I had Caratonia whatever the heck that was but the phone got fuzzy and the call dropped. When he called back he got right down to business. He said I’m sorry but the lab reports came back and they show carcinoma you should come back in so we can talk about what’s next. I said sure… and went about my life. Yes I called my Mom and siblings and some friends had a mini cry. But I really didn’t feel anyway big way about it. I knew in the end I was gonna be fine, just fine. I didn’t sound an alarm. I felt no alarm. I received some flowers and chocolates from friends with messages to call if I needed anything. Well I was still running up hills and perfectly capable of doing everything. So I admired and smelled the flowers tried not to eat too much chocolate and kept it moving.
Because what do you do when you have a touch of cancer? I’ve made meals, given rides and sat by the beds of friends and relatives who have had Cancer real CANCER the one with all caps. I know what to do for them. There are kids to pick up, dinners to be made, treatments to get to, encouragement to lend.
But me and my touch of it – what do I do?
Until Yesterday happened. Yesterday turned my head all the way around and not for the reason you think. I looked up at all of those sweet kind Oncology nurses, and Doctors telling me all about my Cancer and sentinel lymph nodes and what to expect with my surgery and radiation. I was fine and fine until they got to the part of me and my boobies after radiation and then I cried! What?!!! Yep I cried. Not because I had a touch of Cancer but because I was hearing how this touch was getting in the way of my “new perky boobie vision”. See I have had a vision of new perky boobies ever since I finished nursing my babies. I just wanted “my” boobies but better. Full and plump again + a wee bit more. Not Vegas style or anything. Just the full stand up kind that you can wear a sexy backless dress, while you dance with your Boo and hang out in St. Bart’s topless on a beach. Don’t smirk it’s my dream. Those kinds of BOOBIES. Now I heard loud and clear through my information overload haze. I heard the nice Nurse telling me that after my lumpectomy and 35 radiation treatments (5 days a week for 7 weeks) I wouldn’t be a candidate for breast augmentation. Because radiation does something to your breast tissue and blah blah BLAH!!!
I just Couldn’t….
Poor nice and sweet Oncology Nurses so used to women busting into tears in their shiny Cancer Facility. They kindly calmed me down and assured me I could and “should” speak to a plastic surgeon NOW before my surgery so I could get my “perky boobie vision” Sorted!
But alas the damage was done.
I could feel it. Something had cracked inside and it was ALL rushing in on me…all the months… all the procedures… all the stress and the strain and the squeezing and the pressing, and the wondering, and the ignoring and the smiling and the getting on with it.
I was tumbling with the knowledge that.
A Touch or Not.
I had Cancer…
And I realized I had no idea what was next. And that I was in totally new territory for me. That I might really need “to call a friend” and maybe I would need things in my shiny new purple binder. I decided that most of all maybe it was ok to have a little compassion for me and my touch of Cancer.
So I called a friend and I let my hubby who has been my rock hold me tight as I cried. And I thought about finally telling the kids.
I thought about the movie I want to make, the work I still feel impassioned to do and the life I want to live. I thought about the warm beach I want to lie on with my honey for my upcoming birthday/ anniversary.
Before more surgery
and I cried and sighed…
For I realized I will be forever changed by just a touch.
I feel emotional and thankful. My married life has exceeded my expectations …and I was expecting a lot.
I was journaling this morning about what I love most about our union and what makes it yummy to me. I hope you don’t mind if I share.
I have found that patience, kindness and humor have been the greatest gifts, to give and to get from my partner.
Patience is a true virtue it has you tread softly and not carry that big stick at all…It makes you stop when you want to charge ahead into accusations or anger or pointing fingers. I heart patience!
Kindness…ahhh this word never ceases to make me melt and make my heart ease. Kindness is EVERYTHING!!! When you are most kind to the person who lies next to you that is the true test. After all they are the ones that leave the toilet seat up. The ones who forget to grab the milk from the market again…they are the ones who can annoy you the most just by the close proximity. But kindness oh KINDNESS!!! Bring all you got and then some.
Humor!! Seriously someone to laugh with. Life is already full to overflowing with challenges and sadness and heartrending moments. What life doesn’t need a chuckle every now and again? I love to laugh!!! It eases my forehead and opens my heart it makes me want to get up and do more feel more be more.
I am humbly grateful to my husband Ali for being all of those things to me he is truly the most kind, most patient, funniest guy I know. And that I get to call him mine… it levels me.
I am in awe of this thing …
Happy Anniversary Ali
Don’t expect much from this blog post today, I’m just happy to be posting. I have been in a fit of a snit and have not been able to write for 3 weeks. I have been low and sad and well, It’s nice to be writing again please ignore all typos and errors they were sent from a “just gotten up girl”.
I don’t know if you noticed or not but my blog is all shiny and new.
a l m o s t.
I think it looks lovely and except for the fact that in the transition my content of blogging for 4 years was lost I would be ecstatic. All of my posts about my highs and lows, the funny and the poignant . All of the proof of the “likes” and the comments all …
36 people read that one, 42 read the other. I must be somebody. They must really like me. I must be good if they left a comment.
My oh my. What store we put in our doodlings.
The last 4 years have seen me on one passion project after another. Some, film, script, show, blog, magazine …idea after idea. I have flung myself in full force. Writing, shooting, planning, blogging, building, plotting, planning. Well I flung myself one time too many and the force of not having it go the way I planned, (ultimate success and world domination) had me hit a wall and slide down all cartoon style.
In that downward slide I felt so lost from myself that I just didn’t have much to offer. So I did what I do best I cried and focused on what I could do. What made me feel ok for awhile. Wifey-dom, mommy hood, person hood. I did some social media quit begrudgingly. Wept quit a lot and kept moving. I worked out, I cooked dinner, I cleaned house, I saw school plays, I did dishes. I prayed twice a day 3 times on Sundays. I read books and I waited.
To feel a shift in the wind. To feel my feet hit a familiar cadence to feel my way coming back into focus.
What I know is…
I am here to add my flavor of delight and wonder to the world. That is my inner song. How can I add some shine some sparkle some magic to the moment, those are my persistent thoughts. How can I draw out the desire to think and mull over who and what and why we are here. This is my hearts longing. Whether I do it through writhing, acting, workshops or how I dress this is the passion that pulls me forward.
This life it takes time . It takes failures and successes. It takes 3 steps forward and 20 steps back to do it. The goal is to not count your hand until the journey is over. You are not a failure you just had a bad day, month, year, decade. But all of that was yesterday.
So it is was with great relief that I awoke and I felt lighter. I caught whiff of a new scent in the air. My eyes fluttered open and I felt calm and peaceful.
Thank the good Lord!
Today I don’t have to push prod or poke, because…
On my feet …on my own steam, in my right mind… thinking great thoughts, singing a new song.
In the drivers seat, in front of my life, breathing in a new day and really feeling that way.
Ready to begin anew start fresh put my hand to the plow once again.
One foot in front of the other.
Break down ….Break through
I can’t wait to see what new adventure awaits me now that I have gotten up!
It’s amazing the idea of ones own childhood. The 24 hour ness of it. The 12 months a year ness of it. Is it even possible that it lasted 18 years and yet it has been gone for at least twice that amount? The hours of play the make believe worlds the riding bikes and skipping rope ness… The best friends, the bullies the secrets and the deep emotions.
And yet the imprint lingers…
I am busy filling out paperwork for my kids and it has activated a nerve that often gets brushed when I do this task. “Do you need reduced lunch?” I proudly check No and in the same moment I can feel the tiny dime resting in my pocket. My Dad gives each of us one each morning and admonishes us not to lose it. I finger mine constantly throughout the morning making sure it is indeed still there. Some years we qualify for reduced lunch but some years it is free. I don’t like free. I like to be able to hand the lunch lady something other than a ticket when it is my turn in line. I envied those who carried the shiny new lunch boxes and even those with the paper sacks. Lucky ducks. Looking back my bestie Sara carried a sack lunch and it was the same thing every day. PB&J on white bread, un toasted an apple and some chips. The chip selection was the only element that changed. Sometimes dorritos and on the really awesome days it was cheetos, which were my all time favorite. We would lay her chips on my lunch tray and she was always generous a 60/40 split. She was so very over her PB& J but for me it looked like a dream come true. This memory runs it’s fingers through my hair more days then not as I prepare my children’s lunch. I have a sense of pride being able to do this simple task. Choosing the fruit changing up the selection. I feel such an amount of gratefulness.
Aaaahhh the imprint….
I go about my days of raising my own children and I feel the days slipping away and I try to dive in to see it to revel in it and get it into my skin. And yet even now I must arch my mind to remember them as babies their tiny hands and feet their first words the sound of their small voices.
The sleepless night, hours of play, the fevers and colds of babyhood have morphed into video games, playdates and homework. Where has the time gone?
We are told by many Sages to be present, to enjoy the moments as if it were our last. But how oh how? Admidst the dishes and the laundry and the homework and the discipline and the grades and…
And yet I have decided that this year I will revel for 5 min a day. It is an “alert” I put on my phone. It alerts me to Stare, Feel, Listen.
Stare at the faces, feel the soft skin…listen to their voices. I will rise higher than the prescribed duties for 5 whole minutes and I will know that this imprint will be there as my skin wrinkles and my walking slows.
The scene opens on a wife just coming back from lunch at her job. Her morning has been normal filled with meetings and annoying demands from her boss. She loves what she does but ugh certain days are better than others. She is mid call to the kids dentist and as she finishes up her cell phone pings alerting her to an incoming text. Hubby “Sorry I’ve been busy and pre-occupied. Thank you for picking up the slack hope this lets you know how much you mean to me”! The Wife purses her brow. “Hope this helps”? What is that supposed to mean?
As she enters her office she is hit by a scent that is beautiful but unfamiliar. On her desk is a beautiful planter with an exquisite orchid and a note propped at its side. The note reads.
I have been watching you for some time now. I can’t get you off my mind.
I have been given permission by your husband to have you for myself for the weekend.
I have taken the liberty to make arrangements for the children and yes I spoke to your boss he said a half day for a “Family Situation” is totally fine. After all it is Friday.
There is a scent on your desk I would like for you to wear it this weekend please bring it with you.
A car is waiting for you downstairs. Yours will be picked up later.
Seth will bring you to me.
When you arrive at the destination introduce yourself to the front desk they will have a note for you.
I await your arrival.
We watch as a flushed Mrs. G quickly shuts down her computer and gathers her belongings says her goodbyes and hustles out of the office.
As promised there is a car waiting we watch as all details are followed to the letter.
Mrs G arrives at the hotel by the sea. She does as instructed and introduces herself at the front desk. They smile and hand her a note and a key to the room.
She enters the room expecting to see Mr. G. It is a beautiful room another gorgeous orchid awaits her arrival with a note.
Alert with anticipation she sits and reads the note.
“Shower and sleep I will see you soon”
I have a meeting that must be attended to I won’t be long.
I have arranged for lunch to be sent to your room or you can choose to go downstairs they have a table for you.
In the closet you will find more clothes and things to read.
I will see you at 1pm
We watch as D opens the closet to find clothes a selection of magazines and books. She decides to eat lunch downstairs. They usher her to her table.
A note arrives at her table.
“I knew I would like that color on you. They have some excellent wine choices”
She looks around but sees no one. Her lunch arrives she eats. It is delicious. She drinks two glasses it feels like liquid gold. The book is heaven.
Another note arrives.
Please go to the room. put on what I left and wait on the chair.
Flushed not used to this she quickly gets up. Enters the room to music playing and that scent in the air. She finds a pair of underwear and a blindfold and a chair in the middle of the room. Flustered she does as she is told.
She hears the door open.
He moves about the room. She feels him and smells him….he is undressing.
He kisses her shoulder.
Saying not a word he puts her in his shirt she can feel the cool material and the smell of him. He picks her up and lays her in the bed.
Massages, wine, flowers, laughter, attention, no cell phones, movies, conversation, sweetness, adventure, touch, passion.
I’m standing in front of my semi- new High School having an argument/ conversation with some chick I don’t even know. I mean I “know” her (she’s in my P.E. class) I just don’t KNOW her. If you get my drift. This is not the first time we have had this conversation and from the look on her face I don’t think it will be our last. “Why you standin’ over here?” “I’m waiting for my bus.” “What bus?” “The #3 Bus”! “Why? “What do you mean why…cuz it’s the bus that goes to where I live”. “Yeah but THAT bus goes to the PROJECTS.” “Yeah that’s where I live”!! “Harumph… Whatever”. She looks me up and down taking in my cute funky look. My hair has some sort of flip (a night in hard rollers) and my jeans have the right cut even though they are “no names”. She doesn’t know I had saved for 6 months at my after school job. That I had searched hi and low for just the right knock offs. Or that I was afraid until right now that I would be found out. Fake fake fake!
I keep my eyes level to hers and in them is neither pleading nor pissed. Harumph she says again or at least that’s the closest I can come to relaying the sound. It’s accompanied by a closed mouth and lips that curl up and hang out for awhile on one side of the face while the eyes roll to the back…cuz well they are just plain ole tired of looking at whatever pitiful thing they are looking at. Now the first time I saw this sequence of movements I was impressed and mesmerized. Then I realized that it’s just the norm of all perpetually pissed inner city teens. Finally she decides I must not be ready to change my story and with that she lopes off to rejoin her group. They welcome her back and all turn their backs on me as they hold conference on what “I said, and then what she said”.
This conversation is not new it’s like hundreds I’ve had prior and since and it is all brought to you by the sponsors
“Who The Hell are You”??
Which to a adolescent is EVERYTHING!! Are you a Nark, a Shark a Teachers Pet, a Brown Nose-er, A rocker, a Nerd, a Screw Up, a Faker, a Jock, a Druggie, a Wierdo, a Stuck Up, a Richie, a Prude. Are you a Secret Teller or a Secret Keeper. When I’m with you should I…Joke, laugh, smile or ignore you all together. Are you a Somebody or a Nobody. This adolescent interrogation goes on and on until a credible case is built for or against you.
Since becoming a “grown up” I naively thought this would all be in the past. But now it’s even more probing. It’s called, resume’s, credentials, letters of recommendation and questionnaires. Everywhere you go inquiring minds still want to know.
Who the Hell are you!!!???
To be fair, wanting to know can be an issue of safety. Life is a gaggle of people and experiences some good and others dreadfully not. Everyone needs a little predictability every now and again. We need to know who the sane ones are. The honest ones, the laze abouts and the hard workers.
I get it.
But at this moment I am in the midst of a seismic shift. And it has left me a bit rattled as I reshape myself, yet again. Right now I am not predictable. What I have been, is slowly morphing into what I am now and they need to shake hands and make friends.
We live in a world of the hyphenate Doctor/Landscape Artist, Lawyer/Pastry Chef, Business Owner/Philanthropist. Every time that we introduce ourselves we are faced with the challenge to accurately describe just who we are. But in our struggle to sound credible we strain at the reigns of choosing sides. I thought you said you were an Actress? I am. But I am also… Because of the discomfort, lately I have been taking refuge in my “mommy-hood, and wifey-ness” to get a break from the unnerving nature of a reinvention, which is upheaval. But being a Mommy and Wifey are much more simple. Mommy’s pick up kids, dole out love and snacks. Wives make dinner, dole out love and snacks and try not to bitch too much. But all the other parts of me are not so compliant right now.
Who we are …Who we really are is a changing spot on a ever spinning planet of possibility. I desire for the core of me to remain constant. The center of my “I Am” to be a beacon of stability. “I am” kind, creative, spirited, loving, inquisitive, hopeful, truthful, thankful. While the other part of my “I Am” remains fluid open to the spontaneity of a life lived with passion and a desire to grow. This ” I Am” is an Actress, Writer, Teacher, Life Coach, Style Maven.
I pray that the taste when it touches your lips is savory and sweet…cuz I am that.
I heard somewhere…(Marianne Williamson) When you live your truth it gives others permission to do the same. So the next time someone looks slightly confused as you rattle off your sparkling pedigree…just simply state. “I’m a hybrid a vast improvement on last years model.”
Watch their faces light up.
Be your beautiful self. Comma’s, dashes and all!
I know “I Am”
I’m sitting on the porch in the early morning light with our pup Vanilla Bean and we are surrounded by movement and sound. El Nino is up to her usual tricks and the trees are swaying as if giants have awakened in the night and are rousing their cohorts to arms. Chimes are singing a furious song and leaves are swirling in constant rotation. It is sure the end is near.
We both sit in awed silence taking in the movement happening about us. Both having our thoughts for what it means and how it makes us feel. She looks out then back to me and then out again. As if to say is this ok? Should I be concerned? I look at her and say only the word “wind” and then smooth her fur. There is comfort in not going it alone. But alas, I can only name it. I cannot however control how it makes her feel. That venture I dare say can be a lonely affair indeed.
I think to myself isn’t that life?
We can name things, birth, death, graduation, despair , heartbreak, failure, triumph. These are their names but to climb inside anothers skin to feel the feeling is something we can only infer, and no matter what it is always a second hand account.
That give and take is the whole life of an interview. “How does it feel winning an Oscar?” “How does it feel losing the Super Bowl?” How does it feel to give birth, to lose a child, a parent a spouse? How does it feel to be successful, to be worth millions, be wanted or needed, or hated or feared? How does it feel? Inquiring minds want to know.
I wonder if anyone interviewed Da Vinci or Cleopatra, or Genghis Khan back in the day? Stories are written of them. They are full of what they did but how did they feel? That naked truth lies with them in their golden tombs.
For me unless the state is painful the wanting to know from others is not as important as feeling them first hand. Now let me be clear you can tell me the pain of a burned hand and I will feel no need to touch the fire. But I feel that the adventure of life is to feel it. How will it be really known to me otherwise. The feel of a lovers hand on my skin. Sunlight on my bare back. My heart when it is torn asunder.
Aaahhh the feeling.
The challenge is to make choices that have me feeling the way I desire. To change choices that have me feeling ways I don’t desire and to find a deeper place within me form when life places unpleasant feelings at my door. For that is the only way that I grow. For who would I be without the experience of a broken heart, loss of a loved one, betrayal of a friend. Who would we be without the failure? How would we experience fortitude. How can we truly savor triumph if there has never been defeat. Or love come anew if there was never love lost. It is by the contrast the bitter and the sweet that life takes on texture, nuance and depth. It is with a brave heart one must face the day. Ready to learn from our failures and be buoyed by our wins.
As we grow older it seems that our ability to feel dulls a bit by the experience of the sameness of life. Another pile of laundry another drop off another pick up. A part of us longs for new experiences. But as I sit and witness such a visceral display of nature in front of me… I feel it all. It only takes effort. It takes being present and being open to see it again and again and again… and still really see it!
So let the wind howl and rumple my hair. Let my own triumph and despair mold my clay. I listen to the chimes and hear their song.
I close my eyes to “feel” my life anew, free and unafraid.
I see the New Year out the corner of my eye…
I’m not ready
No period. No exclamation point! No comma. No … and anyone who knows me knows how I love a dot, dot, dot.
I took down my decorations today.
I took the garland the wreath and all of the ornaments off the tree (bare tree is now in the corner). It looks lonely and lost. I did it efficiently in a bit of a daze. I thought how interesting this all is, to do it all again each and every year. Taking down, putting up, taking down, putting up. Hmmm
I know that it is tradition and for the most part I love tradition. I enjoy the doorways that lead us into past, present and future by the rhythm of a repeated pattern.
But again for some reason this season, I was viewing it all with a bit of a side eye. Not full in. Not in the reason or the season. Don’t get me wrong I did have my moments of tingly warmth. But mostly I would find myself mid furrowed brow and then catch my kids in the midst of their delight and it would snap me back into the moment, the present.
Oh how I treasure the world through their eyes. The rosy hued, hand print smeared glasses that gleans delight from toys under the tree and cookies and milk set out. How the simplicity of the equation is so clear for them.
Aaahhh how much bliss is this recipe.
I sat a for a time last night in front of the tree and the lights and I took a moment. A moment to divine my mood. What is it my lady. What has your brow so creased? Personally I have been striving hard and hacking my way through a forest of “in over my head-ness” and all the fears that new endeavors unearth.
But with so much to be thankful for like health and family and life and food and shelter, you know all the basics, done and done. I knew there must be more.
I realized the turmoil of the world had played a large part. Aahh what a year it has been. So much to protest, so many to mourn, so many things to right. The desire to see peace but true peace was a pain that marred my holiday sight.
I breathed a silent prayer.
I prayed that though the labor for peace on so many fronts be long and painful, that the birth of a new day in our world be worth the wait.
I breathed deep and in the breathing I felt a glimmer of lightness return to my soul.
I am certain that it is only through finding ones own joy can we impart it to the world.
So I knew I needed to find my joy again.
So tonight I decided to make a post Christmas not quit New Years ready List…
No not a resolution but a gift list for the universe to grant me this year.
I decided that it is not things I want but feelings.
I want to feel…
I want to be…
I want to experience
No wrapping necessary…
It’s Almost here #Yipee!!
Another helpful, revitalizing, insightful workshop “A Goddesses Guide to the Everyday”.
Have you ever found yourself running on fumes. Only having just enough energy to a l m o s t keep up with yourself and your life. Looking for the meaning in it all. Looking in the mirror and wondering where “YOU” have gone”.
I certainly have. This workshop is designed to help us look at our lives in a new way. I truly believe that we all have a purpose and a reason to be here. A reason that is so vital to the world that it is imperative that we get on purpose and fuel our passion.
After this workshop you should be closer to identifying if you are on track with your goals and purpose. If not what has been standing in your way? I will give you tools to move from behind the eight ball and start to be the driver in your own life. Helping form a schedule a order to your life and along the way fueling your soul.
I know that we can feel excited about our life, our love, our kids, our jobs and our home!! After all without the passion the purpose and the love what are we doing it all for!!!
#Lets Go Goddesses See you on the 28th 3-6pm….yes I added an hour. (Gotta have time to chat and snack) Please email me for details Dahn@itsyoubutnew.com
Location of workshop is Studio City California.
It’s the first light of morning and I can hear an alarm going off. I moan and shift still half asleep. It’s not mine I don’t usually ever set an alarm, its for the hubby. He silences it in the groggy way one does at this time of the morning. He is usually up before me and off to the gym. He comes back and we trade. But not today. He had a late night of work and the gym will have to wait. He rubs my shoulder and whispers an admonishment for me to continue to sleep he knows I did not sleep well. But alas I am awake…Ugh I swallow and I feel the pain in the back of my throat and a throb in my head. It’s not quit the way I want to wake up any morning but definitely not on a Monday. This doesn’t bode well for the week.
I lay there knowing I have a window to decide how this is gonna go and it is closing fast.
I decide and carefully swing my legs over the side of the bed and hoist myself to my feet. I can feel the long busyness of yesterday along with tending to a sick child during the night in every inch of my body. I am tired and morning has come way too fast. My body lets me know what it thinks about me working out…NOT!
But through the haze I decide I am in charge… not my body and I need to run.
The crisp air hits me but it does little to alter the mood or the head throb but I press on.
I let my mind wander and it rests on a friend who is caring for her Mom who is going through the journey of Cancer. I say a prayer for her as my footfalls in a familiar cadence. I send her visions of this early morning light and prayers of grace. After her many others come to mind. Those who are suffering, those who are grieving, those who are out of a job, out of a home, out of love. And as I move I pray and as I pray I become a moving tide of gratitude. I think of all of those who would love to be on this mountain this morning doing just this. I think of those who would love to tend to a child or roll over next to a husband or clean a house or wash some clothes. Those who with just a smidgen of health or freedom would love to chase their dreams just one more day and my breathing steadies in determination my legs feeling less like lead.
I let the thankfulness fuel my thoughts of the day. I dedicate this day and all that it contains to those who can’t.
And as I round the last bend with my whole body in full forward motion I know that I will do it all #Because I Can…
And that makes all the difference.
Rest in Peace #MikeBrown
They are marching …one by one and two by two. Some are scouting others are reporting but they are all on the road. They mock our diligence and cleanliness and to our dismay new cities spring up in some of the most unlikeliest of places. We have been fighting the good fight for days and even now as I squash them I know like any good army my reprieve is only momentary. Now they have infiltrated my luggage…finding my forgotten plane snacks. Seriously in the closet! I am outdone as I stand outside in the hot Georgia sun shaking and beating Louis luggage on my mothers porch. Ugh.
It is the space between night and day and I am hot and tired and oh so hot. I must have lost the battle for the thermostat late in the night because I could swear I had turned it down to 76 my mother contends that 78 is “comfortable” but my damp body begs to differ. I try hard not to twist and turn on the couch/bed that I find myself on. It is generous by couch standards but longer than a nap has turned it into a not so patient neighbor with a visitor that has overstayed their welcome. My movement threatens to awaken the kids who are thankfully still asleep on the now deflated mattress by my side. Their little arms and legs flung carelessly over each other in a tangle of sheet and warm body. They are the casualties of the sunken ship that was once their firm mattress from hours before. It would be a comedy if only I wasn’t so exhausted.
With no choice I turn carefully once more trying to find a cool surface and a leg/arm formation that would remind me of the idea of comfort. In the early morning light my puffy eyes travel to the ceiling. It is official this is my third sleepless night I am amidst a tumble of hot days replaced by warm nights. All of the eating, “visiting” and close living becoming one swirl of activity. My nerves are frayed and I want to cry. My eyes close and the vision of my spacious suite and large king bed of days ago enters my mind. Roof top pool, room service and cool crisp sheets mock me now and I allow myself the freedom of a long silent sigh that I hold in my tummy and slowly let out as I lament my circumstance.
Foot steps, pots banging and the smell of bacon lure me awake. I must have fallen again into a restless sleep because my groggy eyes slowly open to the bright light and the sight of my grandmother sitting and watching the scene that is me and the kids. Her elderly eyes drink us in as the kids yawn and stretch their limbs awake. My mother busy in the kitchen sings the praises of a new day and her voice pierces through the fog that is my mind. Isn’t it much to early to be speaking so loud? Sigh. Her outstretched arms beckon for the children and they stumble and tumble into her embrace to receive their daily kisses. All over their faces and heads she plants them and surprises them with one on their tummy. They laugh and smile as she trumpets the delight that she feels in the sight of them and speaks of the adventures of the day to come. My Grandmothers eyes the scene patiently as she waits her turn to hug and kiss their faces. Her wrinkled hand strokes their smooth brown skin and you can feel the generations smile as they greet one another in the morning light.
My mood tries to hold on. Feeling justified in the light of my grievances …but alas my children’s laughter and delight and the sight of my Grandmother and Mothers clear reverence in the sight of us halts the steady stream of me me me.
Them them them. Starts to beat a steady cadence in my heart.
My mother pulls me into an insistent warm embrace and I allow my annoyance to dissipate as I feel her gratefulness that we have come home again. Her children.
The cost of the trip melts like hot butter… the stress, the budget strain the time and the hours the plane changes and early get ups the prep and the packing, the rental car and new bed clothes all seem to fall away.
Them them them….
Us us us….
The coming together the seeing of one another the being in each others presence… it is the reason.
My children laugh and my body soaks in their pleasure and it becomes my own. In the coming days I watch them blossom and grow as their roots expand in the soil that is “being with Family”. I watch as they eat new foods, dance and talk. They play with their cousins, entertain their Aunts and Uncles and listen to their elders…it is all a menagerie of Goodness.
As I watch my Mothers hand stroke their small heads I forbid my petty discomfort to keep me from this.
Us us us….
F A M I L Y
I’m standing in front of my school having an argument/ conversation with some chick I don’t even know. I mean I “know” her I just don’t KNOW her. If you get my drift. This is not the first time we have had this conversation and from the look on her face I don’t think it will be our last. “Why you standin’ over here?” “I’m waiting for my bus.” “What bus?” “The #3 Bus”! “Why? “What do you mean why”? “Because it’s the bus that goes to where I live”. “Yeah but THAT bus goes to the projects.” “Yeah that’s where I live”!! “Harumph… Whatever”. She looks me up and down taking in my cute funky look. My hair had a flair and my jeans had the right cut though they were no names. She didn’t know I had an after school job and bought these particular jeans because they looked almost like the high end brand with out the price.
I keep my eyes level to hers and in them is neither pleading nor pissed. Harumph she says again or at least that’s the closest I can come to relaying the sound. It’s accompanied by a closed mouth and lips that curl up and hang out for awhile on one side of the face while the eyes roll to the back…cuz well they are just plain ole tired of looking at whatever pitiful thing they are looking at. Now the first time I saw this sequence of movements I was impressed and mesmerized. Then I realized that it’s just the norm of perpetually pissed teenage inner city kids. I remain steady keeping eye contact without seeming hostile. Which is really pretty hard to do but I’ve perfected it by now. She is still standing there giving me the second set of once over’s and For one second I think of raising an eyebrow but quickly vote it down. Who needs the extra interaction of “what are you looking at?” Which can become a Meisner technique. “No What are YOU looking at” and so on and so forth. Finally she decides I must not be ready to change my story and with that she lopes off to rejoin her group. They welcome her back and all turn their backs as the conference of what I said and she said transpires.
I turn, stare straight ahead and take in a deep breath not realizing that I was holding it and pray for the bus to come. It finally does arrive. I immediately join the melee of the crowd, happy to have a group to meld into for a minute. Once aboard I settle in a seat in the back. I don’t look back but I know that they are watching. Because they have to they are pulled by the need. Watching to see what you might do or say to help them untangle this conundrum that is figuring out …who You are.
This encounter is not new even though I am new to this school. I have been the “newbie” every year since starting school and I am 13yrs old. Which would sound impressive if you were the kid of “Rock Star” parents who toured sold out venues for a living. But they weren’t and we didn’t. We just m o v e d a LOT.
The bus pulls away from the curb and I lay my head on the window as I watched this new school fade to the back. My mind skips forward and back. Like in hop scotch I threw some things down and pick some things up as I hop about. This conversation was not new it was alike hundreds I’ve had prior and since and it is all brought to you by the sponsors “Who The Hell are You”. Which to a adolescent is EVERYTHING!! Are you a Nark, a Shark a Teachers Pet, a Brown Nose-er, A rocker, a Nerd, a Screw Up, a Faker, a Jock, a Druggie, a Wierdo, a Stuck Up, a Richie, a Prude. Are you a Secret Teller or a Secret Keeper. When I’m with you should I…Joke, laugh, smile or ignore you all together. Are you a Somebody or a Nobody. This adolescent interrogation goes on and on until a credible case is built for or against you. I saw her with the teacher after school. Check. She was with a boy. Check. He was her brother. Un check.
It is needed this knowing this being able to put you in a category it is needed for safety and for making a credible picture out of this puzzle of life. Everyone needs a little predictability every now and again. But I am none of these I am neither predictable or upon inspection even a credible witness for my own self.
Let me start this off by stating… “I’m a grown woman and I can do whatever I want Hmmm Hmmm”… Oh sorry that’s a Beyonce lyric and I got momentarily caught up with excitement at just the thought of writing about her. But yes suffice it to say I am a grown woman who is Obsessed with Beyonce Knowles Carter.
Like not the obsessed where I’ve been to all of her concerts, downloaded all of her music, waited outside her hotel screaming and followed her from city to city going to concerts and screaming! No not that …kind of obsessed. Though I have no judgement and sounds like tons of fun.
In fact now that you mention it I haven’t been to one concert. Ugh. I might have downloaded one or two of her cd’s including the new one. I always seem to be too late to “know” when she is in town. Drat. You see I got kids and work and a husband and a life and to be totally honest me and live concert ticket prices…well we battle with shoes and bags and the lights.
But I like her… a lot a lot. Like I’m even saving up now for a ticket for when she is next in town. Because I think she is beyond cute and oh so adorable and oh so pretty and well kinda beautiful in that “is she really that beautiful” kinda way. Like seriously that’s kinda way Beautiful…Right!! . Digressing again. And yes I do find that if in between doing work if she happens to be on the Yahoo news board doing something with that beyond cuteness Baby Girl, or like Singing at the White House or hanging out on a yacht or something with her super cool business tycoon/rapper hubby…yep I’m about 85-90% likely to “click thru”.
And we have so much in common…She’s a mom and I’m a mom. She’s a woman and I’m a woman… And then there is the whole thing about us being human beings. Ok I won’t go there. No I don’t have a mega watt singing career and legions of devoted fans chanting my name and all apart of my “hive” how cool is that. I’m an ordinary woman and mom and I love watching another woman another mom do it so very unstoppably Awesome!! Like a serious “Demi Moore pregnant on the cover of Vanity Fair Moment.” I mean who really took “pregnancy photos” before that? Come on name someone…I’ll wait.
She has a hubby and a kid and she is rocking it so fashionable and so hard with so much passion and so much grace. I am #MomInspired on full tilt… yes to 5 more minutes of abs and lunges and what oh what am I doing with my hair!!
Now I missed the live moment when she did “Drunk in Love” at the Grammy’s. Drat! I had reminded myself that the Grammy’s were gonna be on. I mean come on I live in LA. But it wasn’t until the more than usual congestion on the roads plus Bentley spotting number 5 that it hit me the Grammy’s are in town!! Right that’s what’s plastered on every Billboard and constantly promoted on live radio. Cool got it. But just like a mom I was putting the kiddies to bed when they came on. And well they wanted one more story. Ok ok now please go to bed Beyonce is on!! “One more Pretty please Mama” …Aaahhh ok one more and then you MUST go to BED!!
BEYONCE IS ON!!
So yes I missed it live but not to worry. There is this marvel of a site called YouTube. This one billion and counting transformative…seriously did you record that…how did you record that? Bevy of performance recordings by auteurs who will show you everything from how to train your cat to how to put on your socks. It is truly a mesmerizing pice of wizardry. I emplore you not to visit if you have work to do of any sort. You can get lost down the rabbit hole of YouTube-dom quick as your 2 year old can pick a piece of gum off the sidewalk.
So I was not worried. The video was uploaded within minutes of the performance. Who’s to say it wasn’t even done simultaneously. I mean seriously I think she was just walking down the steps with her guy and then ping it’s on there for me to watch. Again and again. .
I LOVED it…Oh the Hair, the Body the Outfit, her Guy the Two, the Love, the Steam ,the Chair… My eyes were having a viewing ice cream party! Whoohooo!! I Love Ice Cream!!
So imagine my surprise when next day and for many days after there was so much negative talk and Flak.
The chair the hips the costume the sexy the her. Then I heard lots of Mommy words. Like inappropriate and what mommy’s should do and should not do and Bad Examples and Responsibility and oh so much fuss. I was stunned. Ok fine not stunned but interested. Hmmm has anyone seen the Myley performance? I mean I hadn’t until like right now. True story. I just stopped writing long enough to watch the performance. WOW OK! Now forgive me here cuz I’m about to get real. She’s a teenager (ok young adult) and well she has many more years to grow ahead of her. God Bless her growing up self.
For me I grew up in the era of Madonna, Prince, NWA, Gangster Rap, Michael Jackson, Metallica, Guns and Roses, Hole and Nirvana.
Maybe they ruined lots of lives with their performances. Maybe so many kids thought there was a Black Jesus and you could dance around him in the church while crosses burned in the yard. Maybe the Purple Master made you wear lots of Purple and pray for rain while wearing lipstick, bell bottoms and heels.
My mother let me watch some and forbid others. She limited tv (really hardly any) I watched in secret or at a friends. She over shared. My God her talks and all of the Sharing! The body parts. The things that could happen if you did things with those parts. The way cauliflower looking things could grow on parts if you do things with people and their parts, when you shouldn’t. Oh the pictures the pictures forever melted like cheese on a outdoor grill on my brain. She shared about how boys would behave and how I should behave ( I did lots of grinding in the dark hallways of school). Ok they weren’t really dark we just closed our eyes. I dressed appropriately to church and school ( fine I changed on the bus). I was expected to do well in school and punishment was assured if I did not. She was interested in my friends and their parents ( she needed to meet EVERYONE). We constantly moved (so there were always a bevy of new people to meet.) I moved from town to town. I lived in the projects the country the city. I saw drugs I saw violence I saw gangs I saw bad things. Bad things happened to me. I didn’t always do what was right…I grew up!
I don’t in any corner of my brain think that Mrs Carter should raise my kids. Alas she has her own Blue piece of sky and I have mine. With all of my admiration I am not also under the impression that she is perfect. Lord knows I am not. I’m sure that her artist self and her “responsible people are watching self” must have long talks. Lord knows I do. I don’t think my mom thought Madonna should do the honors for her nor that Prince should be my pops. Though I didn’t know mine and hey he might have been fun. I like purple but maybe not that much.
Any country girl raised on a Farm can tell ya. No matter how far away from “town” you are there is still always some rolling in the hay. And of course there are those damn bunnies procreating along with the sheep and the cows and the horses. Doggone it!! Why can’t we make it all just stop.
We are all doing our best to raise our kids. We want them to be happy and healthy. We want them to know right from wrong and be good and kind. We want them to thrive and strive and think for themselves. We want them to not hurt themselves or others. We want them to be their best self. Not like Katie or Stacy or Lucy or Tim or Kevin or Tommy…or Prince or Beyonce. No just be good at being you. We want them to stand up for what’s right and recycle.
The only thing I know to do so far is to
Shield and then Reveal.
Talk and then let them Do.
Watch then allow them to Grow.
At this house you get schedules, time outs, rewards, punishment and unconditional love. You get boundaries and curfews and you See… Unconditional Love. You get parental blocks and lots and lots of Vegetables, organic fruit, re-useable bags and Unconditional Love. You will get tools and skills and lots of Talks Lawd a Mercy so much talking.
And in the end like every mother must I will throw it all up to the sky and pray…very very Hard.
The Chair or the Foam Finger
Won’t do me in
So I’m out with my son on a Date. Yep just me and him and it’s Awesome. It’s slower it’s silly, it’s funny, it’s races, it’s secrets it’s us…
And he has so much to tell me and ask me and just things to chat about. There is no sister or Daddy to interrupt and just time to express himself and be understood. And that part feels so unhurried and so present and I feel my ears prick up a little more to really hear just what he has to say…today…to me.
First question ” Is the tar for real”? We are at The LaBrea Tar pits on our way to the museum and we are looking at this oily, slicky, sticky, stinky…pond. Yes it’s real. I ask him to use his “spidey” senses to smell the stinky tar and I go on to sound kinda scientific mommy style to explain the “realness of tar”. How it’s used for buildings and for roads and I point here and there being quit animated I might add. He totally goes along and I feel so good about my mommy knowledge. I always breathe a sigh of relief when I actually “know” something…I am failing at my daughters math right now…no show off points for me there.
We walk along the road and he starts to tell me about his best friend and how he’s missing him and it’s making him kinda blue. It kinda breaks my heart a bit to hear who it “still” is. They no longer go to the same school and the mom has been un cooperative with playdates. Therefore they haven’t seen one another for months. Ugh. Should I reach out to her again? Sigh …she will probably put me off again. It doesn’t make sense I mean the Mom and I seemed to really get on. Oh well. Adults…go figure.
Looking down at his little earnest face I wish he had a phone and a car…just briefly in this moment. Then they wouldn’t need grownups to facilitate. I try to steer his thoughts to friends that are accessible and near by. He nimbly gives me reasons as to why they don’t own the top spot. I point out a particular kid who I know my son gets on with. Well and he hesitates. What? “He’s sometimes nice.” Huh? “Well sometimes he wants me to play and then sometimes he doesn’t even speak”. “He says we are friends…but I don’t always see his being friends.” Wow! I love how he put that. It reminds me of the song “Where is the Love” I reassure him that I understand. Yep you should always “see” his being friends.” People are not perfect but you should always see them being your friend in the end. I go on to rattle off a couple other kids. One is too whiny …one too unforgiving…one too rough and well this special friend just gets him and he’s just right!
Aaahhh In that moment I feel weepy and strangely sad. The “life clouds” that had been covering my sun lately come back to obstruct my view once more. I hate those times in life when you aren’t just Happy! You know the easy going hard to get me down kinda Happy. Of course there are good things happening too but the weather report remains cloudy with a chance of rain. And you are two ill placed comments away from crying. Ick.
I don’t try to talk him out of his feelings they are his. I stroke his face. It’s ok to feel like this.
We sit on a bench and the sun touches our faces…Yum!
“Is there a bottom to the Sand pit” Yes yes there is. You can’t see it but the sand pit does not touch the core of the earth. 🙂 The joke is surprisingly not over his head. He gets it just a little slower. Hehee “wouldn’t it be funny mommy if me and Naya dug a sand pit to the center of the earth while you weren’t looking”. “You called for us to get ready to go and we weren’t there.” Hmmm Mommy perspective not funny at AT ALL kid perspective…adventurous and hilarious. I give him both scenarios and we share a laugh.
He puts his hand in mine and he smiles up at me. “You are the best Mommy Ever” I am so happy with you being my Mommy” You are my friend and my Mommy”
But the revelry is short lived. “Let’s Race” He is quicker to his feet then me. But no matter I am still on his heels…racing along the path legs flying. “Letting him win ” is becoming more real then a fake out. Ha I pull ahead but my footwear makes me pause…. he wins victory dance included. I dance also…this kind of losing deserves it’s own reward.
And just like that the storm clouds lift. I feel lighter than I have in months.
I am in love.
I am in love with this moment and this kid and my life. I am in love with my breath and my legs and the sun on my face. I am in love with my daughter and her hugs and her yummy smile. I am in Love with that man and his chest and his strength and his passion. I am in love with my house and it’s flowers and it’s smells and it’s pictures. And as the Love fills me like a balloon I feel myself E X P A N D and I burst and this Love spills out all over everything..
And suddenly I am ever so surprisingly in Love with the missing pieces the jagged edges the not so great fits. I’m even in Love with the bills and the debt and the career lull. I’m in love with the miss understandings and the can’t quit get it rights. I’m in love with the day to day and the humdrum and the dinner time… In this moment I am more of Me than ever…
I understand that the triumph of living this life is Loving the journey
bills are paid
understanding is reached
Debt is Gone
Career is on MAX
I understand how not quit getting what you want when you want it creates new spaces in us. It makes us push harder try new things… you know be innovative. It makes us write our own stories when you can’t find the right book. Create a TV show when you feel underrepresented. It makes you start a club or a movement or a School or a Site. It makes us get up and move. Move to a new Job or Country or Home. It makes us move forward in this journey. And if you let it Life will make you better not bitter. You will find that you are more clear more open more You.
You will find that the debt doesn’t drown you and the Success doesn’t soil you.
You will know that there is a bottom to the sand pit.
That the Debt will eventually be gone.
And that this Moment the one you are having right now is…
all that there is!
I’m not a Phd or Md or even a D for that matter in Relationships. Though I do love that letter for obvious reasons.
Nor have I done extensive research backed by grants and funds from prestigious schools of thought on marriage, relationships, and coupledom.
I am also not a Bible thumping believer in marriage at all costs or you will burn in hell and the children will be damned, scarred and forever wander in the desert of “can’t get it right, cuz mommy and daddy ain’t together no more. In fact I believe that being together only for the sake of the children can back fire terribly. I for one prayed nightly for my parents to divorce. The stress and strain of our parents unhappiness hung like a heavy wet wool blanket on a very hot day. Yuck.
What I am …is a regular
I believe in equal pay for equal work. A women’s right to choose and bedtime routines. I believe that kale is amazing, recycling is a must and M’M’s can change your outlook on life.
I can also easily grasp the idea that some might not wanna marry at all or procreate. Great! Marry and both be Boys or Girls. Go for it! You should be allowed to give it a whirl and see how you do just like the rest of us.
I am now and have always been obsessed with people and relationships and what makes them tick. Not in the gossipy non “Real House Wives” of Whatever-Ville way. But in the take apart the radio and put it back together…now turn it on does it still play… kinda way.
I was the kid playing in the kitchen while my mom and her friends talked so I could hear the latest. Collicky babies, men who didn’t want to commit, a new one pot dinner dish…I was hearing it all.
I was born into un-wed parentage, siblings by different fathers and a fierce amazing matriarch spirit who held the family together. My siblings and I cared nothing for the language of half’s and steps and so no matter our ration of blood we were full and we were love and we were mighty.
I knew God and church and brim stone. But no matter the brimstone what I hung, clung and clutched between my fingers like my life depended on it was Love.
It was what I searched the hallways of school for, the aisles of the church for, the playgrounds and the streets for…Love. No matter the upheaval of youth I knew it was all I needed.
“March of the Penguins” have you seen this movie? Oh the cold and the marching and the eggs and the babies and the mating and the hardship and the seals and the cold. The bone chilling cold and of course the voice. I am riveted by this story. I literally cry every time I see it. Simply every frame is filled with the fiber of Love. It helps them survive the weather the hardship the heartbreak the seals…if you ask me it was Love.
I wanted some of that Penguin Love.
I have read the article of “Conscious Uncoupling”. I like others giggled a little at the title. Some more New Age-y speak, ok fine bring it on. Upon reading I loved the point. There has to be a way to take apart, what was once together, in a sane, peaceful dare I say loving way. I stood up and cheered. Please oh please can we have more of that. Even if it comes with a ceremony performed by a group of small pointy nosed men and ashes I’m still in. But there was one cord that struck me as being off key. In fact it totally fell flat to my ears and haunted me for days. It was the idea that… marriage in it’s concept just doesn’t really …well …work… anymore! We live longer, we cannot expect marriage to last the distance. I heard biology, psychology, don’t expect…we are not equipped…no work for us no more.
I myself am on my second marriage I could be seen as living in a glass house but I have no stones to throw. What I do know is that as I walked down that first aisle towards a kind young man. I knew like I knew grass looked better green that this was not for me. And yet I walked and I spoke up when asked and I gave my consent. I was fresh out of college. I could blame my youth. But it would be an untruth. I knew. I was clear on the un- rightness of this coupling. But I was also hopeful in equal measure. Maybe all that I “saw” and “felt” would grow differently with the right amount of sun, water, jobs and friends. And then there was his sweetness and his true love of me. Oh how I needed that Love. So I reached up and grabbed it with a “I Do”!
“Are you married in a relationship…do you have kids”? It’s my question. My party, bbq, social mingle, PTA, church meeting, park bench conversation. It’s my question. I believe everyone has one. A question that though not scientific in nature sheds light on who this new person before us might be. My aunts question is what school did you attend? Education is always her question. My friends question is where do you come from? Birth location answers a lot I guess. And another guy friends wants to know what sport what team? I pity the person with lack of both.
But my question has always been married or not…kids how many? I have gleaned a lot from the answering of this question. And more than the actual answer is the way the answer is delivered. “Ball and chain” style. “Been there done that” style. “God help me get out of this hole” style. “Surprisingly it’s going well” style. Oh and my favorite “So far so good” style. It’s better than a scientology personality test -this question. What has struck me most in all of my relationship conversation is how very few “surprise” relationship deaths there really are. In fact I actually stared to view them like an urban legend. Out of the blue for no reason at all he/ she started to drink, beat, hit, be distant, not care, freak out, bore me to tears, leave. They literally woke up a different person. Which I might add is very different then “growing” into another person. We are all “growing” into something every day depending on the conditions and the weather. Births, deaths, war, finances, jobs, too much or complete lack of chocolate they are all effecting how we grow. What we have not done so often is turn from being a peach into a turnip. This evolutionary leap does not happen as often as you might think. There was usually something a little fishy about that peach even in the beginning.
Most stories I have heard all read like a not so riveting episode of CSI. Clues clues everywhere clues. Clues that were ignored or swept over or not taken into evidence properly. Whether this happened because of youth, naiveté, slow on the uptake, the desire to see the best in people or really great sex. Most are not payed attention to for one simple reason. The “if I know then I have to do something” line of thinking. If I fain being duped then I’m not responsible to do anything. And since we are not ready to “Do” anything we plead the fifth, cross our fingers and hope for the best. Well of course until there is just one… smack, lie, not showing up, lazy ass on couch, no ambition, unkind, arrogant, rude, unthoughtful, selfish, drinking, uncaring, eating with mouth open, aaaaahhh moment too many. And then with one huge AHA!!! We suddenly know what we must do ….run, jump, divorce, sever, leave, escape this Loch ness monster.
I have been made to watch a gazillion nature shows with my kiddies. The Kratt Brothers, David Attenborough and Morgan Freeman narrate my days.
I have always been struck by the symmetry of nature. The adaptation. The single minded focus of survival. Just the decision on which water hole to drink from is the difference of life or death for the herd. Every species has their “way” of doing things but guaranteed all roads lead to optimal chance of survival model. Survival of the young being highest on the list. They are in fact their tomorrow their ultimate survival ticket.
The human species seem to be the only ones bucking the system. We are like breakdown on eco system number nine. It seems to me and yes correct me if I am wrong that it takes two to make a thing go right. Yep that’s a hip hop song from the mid eighties. But two not one. And let’s be extra clear it really takes more than that. In case you haven’t heard it takes a Village. Aunties and Uncles and Grandparents and Friends and Peoples. But in the beginning to “make a life” it takes two. Even if you find a way to be one…if you want to make a child it’s gonna take two. And again correct me if I am wrong but it seems our species our children seem to do better (again arguably) with two. We are talking optimal health. Optimal survival. Some ying some yang I’m not talking sex…I’m talking energy. I’m talking about a family unit and I’m talking about everyones happiness. I’m sure some single parents are as happy as a pie lover in a pie shop. But I think if given the right person a little help and some partnership might really come in handy. Again I could be wrong.
And yet with the idea of Conscious Uncoupling we again embrace the idea that we are not “made” to do the two thing successfully. For very long. But since we can’t kick the kids out until at least 18 yrs old (ok fine maybe 16 yrs old in some states) and you know they still wanna stay past that. Then we are saying that “We the people” are not “built” for their optimal happiness model.
Just a moment I want to raise a tentative hand in the back of the class and ask. If every other species has in their DNA their ultimate survival game plan. Might not we also have this blueprint in our DNA. The ability to couple successfully for the ultimate survival and health and happiness of all involved.
Might this be “the way we were naturally designed” Might there be a homing device in us that turned on might attract the “really good for me” person for my person.
The reason that I pose this is that. What if we “knew” in our cells that coming together and being together for life was natural and the way we are “really built”. Might that feeling, that idea alone change the very nature of the union for our species. Might it release the ball and chain, the holding me down, the locked up, boring, same every day, no more excitement, sex with the same person ugh idea of …what marriage has become. Might it slowly start to thaw out the idea that it’s all just a crap shoot and that we are somehow going against our million sperm count to even try. Might we raise our boys and girls with the idea that marriage is great and good and fun and might that very idea produce a different outcome.
Einstein ( i think it was him who said) Just the observation changes a thing. Just the intent changes the out come. Just like the idea that school is hard, authority is oppressive, doing good in school is for the social rejects colors some kids school days for the worse. Most parents agree that unless you were born already knowing how to read, write and add. Your butt needs to go to school. Just because it’s challenging does not mean you don’t have to go. Just because it pulls it pushes, it makes your kids stress and strain. Even with the occasional boring teacher, or “overly” tough teacher. We don’t adapt to the idea that “school is just not natural” You know why because at our core we know two things…#1 the desire to learn is primal ask any parent watching a baby learn to move. You don’t really “teach” them to walk one day they are gonna want that cookie across the room and they are gonna scoot, crawl, walk or run to get it. #2 Well it’s just necessary for our survival. Cold cave man meet fire. And so we press on. We seek out great schools and inspiring teachers we search to see how our kid learns and how we can match their innate desire to a skill. We look for ways to stir the embers and light the fire. We know whether it’s sports or numbers, dance or the horn section once a child catches fire they are unstoppable.
And so before we add more fuel to the fire that is already burning so brightly that we are somehow not meant to be together …for that duration…under these circumstances in our lives today.
Before we do that.
Let’s sit with the idea for just a moment. That somehow the coming together with the perfect “for us” mate, that uplifts us and champions us, comforts us and sits with us. Someone who if you decide yes on children will stay and help raise them. And then later will rock on the porch with you as the light turns to twilight.
Whatever sex, color or creed.
There is a someone for your someone.
For the sake of the children for our species survival.
Let’s just rest on the naturalness of that…
for a moment
I’m trying to calm myself. I am taking ragged deep breaths and trying to calm myself. I am on a gurney, taking ragged deep breaths, trying to pray and calm myself. I am on a gurney, in the ER, taking ragged deep breaths, praying and trying to calm myself.
Sweat is pooling with the tears as I look over to see doctors and nurses moving about calmly taking care of patients methodically. Nothing like the ER’s I’d seen on TV. No urgency that I could detect. More sweat puddles more tears fall and I close my eyes and pray. And then it happens the pain is finally too much to bear and I slowly reach out a shaking hand to stop a passing nurse. “I’m sorry but how much longer before I see a Doctor?” “Cuz you see my leg is inverted and out of socket and it’s getting too much for me to bear” This nurse looks at me like “WTF” and then says ” You mean right now your leg is inverted RIGHT now!!! “yes I say” she starts to quickly unwrap my leg brace and sure enough there is my knee completely out of socket and inverted. Now the whole scene speeds up as if on cue to RED ALERT STAT. I am being wheeled into a room Doctors and Nurses are everywhere. They are throwing around words like heart rate dropping how long has she been like this, and she could lose her leg. I am being spoken too in urgent calm tones. Dahn Dahn I’m gonna give you a shot and then we are gonna pull…I mean try to put your knee back into place. 1, 2 , 3…Yep there’s the pinch of a needle and then I’m being held down by 5 people as I hear “Can I get a whoop whoop” by JayZ featuring Ja Rule playing in my head. Minutes later as I come too with an oxygen mask on my face and a room full of monitors. The nurse relates that while I was out I told everyone about my boyfriend Ali and how maybe we should wait to call him cuz he’d just left town and we don’t want to freak him out.
My pulse is being checked my knee is the size of a baseball. They explain how there is a main artery that runs down your leg and how mine was being obstructed (that’s what happens when your knee is inverted) for over 40 minutes. Which I hear is not very good for main arteries. They want to know why I didn’t alert someone earlier? My answer was sheepish and truly ridiculous. The truth was I was trying to be good. I was trying to wait my turn. I was trying to “THUG it out”.
I was the one who was always putting the “H on my chest” and putting on my “Big Girl Panties” even when I was a little girl. I learned to toughen up, be quiet and figure it out. No one likes a whiner and a cryer. Plus in my childhood well there just wasn’t a lot of room for all that being a little girl stuff. There was so much to get done. I remember my mom saying “you don’t have to like it but you do have to do it” and well that was my theme.
I didn’t have to like it …but it all had to get done. But something inside me always rebelled against this idea. Something always beat to another rhythm of …take care of yourself. You are worth looking out for. You deserve to be happy.
I married (my boyfriend) and he knew how to take care of himself. He took time out when he needed it got massages when he needed to and ate very healthy and good for him. I was in awe. At the same time he was a doer and a mover and a hard worker. Was I looking at balance? Wow! He didn’t like martyrs or those who chose to suffer. Working hard was one thing…suffering was optional.
When we first met him I had been plagued by nightmares for years. I would wake up in a total sweating panic and he would ask me what happened? The theme was always the same. I was in life and death danger in full view of other people. But I couldn’t cry out because I had a gun to my side. Or they told me there was a gun to someone else’s head that I loved. No matter what there was always something in the way of ME saving myself. In one dream I would even finally work up the courage to shout out for help after being in terror for God knows how long only to find I had no Frickin Voice I was a mute.
I was instructed by my boyfriend to take a Machete back into my dream. Yep a Machete a Gun a Sword any weapon my choice. The instructions were to hack, shoot, slice through whomever or whatever was trying to terrorize me. Shout! Yell!! Scream!! Tell them to do their worst I was instructed not to EVER go Quietly again! Fight Fight and Never Surrender!!
The nightmares subsided. But the theme still had its hold on me.
Becoming a mom only exasperated this. You know Mom’s are Super Hero’s right!
Now you really have to do for another. I mean their little lives depended on it. It was a role I was born to play. Up late. In bed last. House always clean everything just so. No time for taking time. Always on to what I didn’t finish what I still didn’t get done. I was a hamster on a wheel destination Martyr- dom.
My hubby would look on shaking his head as I lay there exhausted “still deciding to suffer huh” Still don’t want to sit down huh. Still don’t want to rest huh? Ok!
During the early kid years I would have breakdown moments of resentment and sadness. Annoyance and anger. I was such the victim. I always did the hard work I never have any help…yelp yelp yep. What about me…What about me… What about ME!!!
Well What about you!
One day I got up after a long night with one of the kiddies someone was sick. The babysitter had arrived and could take over but I didn’t want to go and take a nap. Oh no I had “things to do.” All of a sudden I thought about that time in the ER with my knee. I remembered what my prayer had been the whole time. I was praying for God to help me. You know that old story about the guy in the flood that prayed for God to save him. A car a boat and a helicopter had all come by to rescue him but he wanted “God” to save him. In heaven he asked God “What Happened why didn’t you save me. God said SHH …I sent a car a boat and a helicopter!
In my own life God had sent all these people strangers, friends, family, a Husband to Save me and yet I decided to do it myself and figure it out myself and well …suffer. I could do it “right” I knew how to do it “better”! Yeah anyway!!
Yesterday I had gum surgery.
Yikes! I needed to do it without being put under. Last year I had to do the same thing…no being put under it was Torture, It Was Awful it was Horrible. I Thuged it out!
This year my husband said NO Nope no more suffering!!! We will find the money for an anesthesiologist. NO!! Well the date had been set and no one was avail. I had Spring break and my birthday on the horizon and I wanted to be healed and ready to eat everything in sight by then. No he said. But I had a plan. You see I had done a bit of growing since last year. I had already decided to approach the whole process differently this time. No ignoring what had to happen until the last minute. No gritting my teeth and bearing it. No no no. So I brought the plan to my husband. He looked at me warily. He had conditions. First I would take all pain medication given to me…(don’t ask I don’t want to be a druggie). Next I would let them know if I needed more Pain medication if the first was not having the desired effect (see the first answer). Third I would relax and rest in order to recuperate (come on I had stuff to do don’t look like you don’t remember)!
I said Yes and one upped him. I researched homeopathy and other ways to prepare myself for surgery. I took the cures and the tinctures I meditated I prayed I saw the surgery going perfect and smooth. I cancelled volunteering at the school (gasp) I babied myself for the days leading up. Hair, nails done and done. Yep I could eat, drink and be merry. I relaxed I rested I watched funny movies. My hubby smiled from ear to ear!
The surgery was Perfection.
I am resting today! In fact I have to put away my computer now and get back to …
Taking care of myself!! Yipee!!
My H is still in place. I still get things done.
But I do not suffer.
My Thuging days are officially
Soo for starters this is not gonna be long Star… that’s my sister. She told me yesterday that she skims my posts…yep skims. My Auntie corrects my spelling and grammar in emails to me (I’m not good at either). And my sister skimms. Cuz she says my posts are too long. Sigh! I’m a Taurus she’s a Capricorn. I’m long winded I love words and can’t spell great… what can I say. But today this one is for her.
What’s the point what’s the POINT!!!
First the Question. I’ve been asked, in- boxed emailed, twitt-ed and DM’d with questions about my workouts, my food my life how do I manage how do I stay motivated. Most common thought on all of it is “You must like it.” The working out the eating right the raising the kids, the being in love. With all of it’s work. You must “like” the getting up early and the cleaning and the laundry and the compromise and the groceries and the making dinner and the CLEANING. And the understanding and the long days and the whining and the crying and the working out. The writing and the auditioning and the producing and the Rejection after all the writing and auditioning and producing.
You do it so you must Like it…or even better “It Comes EASY to you.”
The honest answer is most days I don’t know if I like it or not. Truly Honest to God I don’t know and I really don’t give a twit. Because what I know I hate…is messy, ugly, disorder, angry, lonely, plastic, bad food, bad health, jiggly everything, flabby, no purpose, no order, no beauty, no love, kids everywhere with no discipline… hot mess of everything!
Fear has gotten a bad rap. It’s primal and it keeps us out of danger. In this case the danger of living a life that is upsetting upon further inspection. As in later you find you’ve wasted an awful lot of time not being the person you wanted to be. Someone you were proud of being. Success is subjective but being and doing your personal best is always in your own hands.
So in case the allure and motivation, of having a great body, a passionate life, fulfilling career, surrounded by love and beauty, doesn’t pull you in. When all the self- help books and loving posts and posters filled with wonderful affirmations find you still sitting on your tushie in a job you hate…feeling flabby and unloved.
Be afraid be VERY Frickin AFRAID!!!!!…. And get your ass up, put yo kids on a schedule, go out with your husband, clean yo house, work out yo body, recycle, compromise, understand, make a list of your goals, spiff up your resume, make a phone call, write an email, make a vision board, start a blog, volunteer, be a friend, be kind, help out, eat awesome food that’s good for you and move your BODY NOW OR ELSE!!!!
and maybe later on…
you might even
It’s a frosty night and I am cold. I pull the folds of my jacket around tighter and the hood of my hoodie more snug around my ears. Aaahhh why didn’t I remember to put on gloves. My fingers are going numb so I warm them with my breath and then jam them into my pockets. All of sudden I hear laughter and voices coming my way. I duck down and hold my breath. It is only then that the realization of where I am washes over me and I shiver again this time not because of the cold. You see I’m sitting on top of a baseball dugout on a baseball field…not playing baseball… in the middle of the night. Hmmm Interesting. Now to do this I had to hop a small fence and shimmy and hoist myself ( not without effort) over onto the low slung roof and into the position I am now Freezing in!
The voices move past me and I feel safe enough to rise up and then I see it. The flicker of a light that has gone on in the room across the way. I am here on top of the dugout because it is directly across from the room of my Hunky, Cocky, Sexy, Obsession. And I am Crazy Stupid in Lust /Love! Aaaahhh my head pounds and my insides do flip flops. I flinch as he moves past the window again taking off his shirt. How could I get so lucky more please!! And then I see her. HER!! The girl he “proclaims” to care nothing about. The girl who is “too skinny and un attractive to look at twice” Her! She’s in there with him. My breath catches in my throat and I am no longer cold. I am blood boiling angry! And it’s not at him it’s at myself. After 8 months of the hushed late night , shhhhh only in private never in public, seat creaming maybe he will call or nod his head at my existence torture. I am Angry and I am done!! Oh Thank Merciful Father God in Heaven! I am DONE. I’ve tried to be done before. But tonight as I sit shivering in the cold as she lays warm in his arms. I feel like the idiot stalker that I am. And somehow I am snapped out of my stalker revelry!! I know for sure if he really liked me he would like me in the Light around his Friends in the Halls in his room. He would be “ready” for a girlfriend. He would call when he said and we would laugh and talk and make out. I know at that moment “He’s just not that into me”. And I painfully, tragically, moaning-ly… move on…
I am standing staring at 2 dozen of the loveliest roses you can imagine. They are candle apple red long stemmed and they have just arrived. My new roommate comes up from behind and whistles her approval ( I wish I could whistle like her all low and sexy). I feel something on my face and I reach up to brush it away only to find that it is my tears falling skip hop down my cheeks . It’s done it’s over. The marriage. Where there was hope there is now only empty sadness. This does not come as a blow it’s been awhile coming. I mean I have already moved out. Instead it is like a brisk gust of wind, strong enough to make your eyes water not enough to make you wear a coat. I lay the card that I’m sure tells me how much he loves me on the table and I walk away. In my minds eye I see his puppy dog eyes as he watches me not knowing what to do or what to say. I see him on the couch drinking beer and watching Aliens for the 200th time (literally). I see him lifelessly waiting tables ( a job I got him) as he pockets cards from Executives offering him jobs. “I’m not really what they are looking for” Well how do you know? “I just do”. Well why would they give you their card?” a shake of the head on his way to another beer. I see the counseling sessions that I drag him to and the countless talks “What do you need? What can I do” as I hustle to job number 3 and back from rehearsals on my way to an audition. I buy myself tulips on my way home from acting class they were only $4.99 they are my favorites. I hate roses. I wipe the tears as I pack my bags. I know for sure – We can only change ourselves no one else. You can help all you want but in the end everyone has to decide to help themselves. You can stay and suffocate or Love yourself enough to leave. No one has to be wrong but the relationship has to feel Right!
I am arguing at a pay phone. My head is pounding and I really can’t remember what this particular argument is about. It’s a way of life for us now. He laughs and says we are Italian it’s fine. ( We aren’t Italians and they can’t be this miserable) What I do know is that I always end up confused and apologizing. Somehow it’s my fault. Oh right I remember… he didn’t show up to get me the other day. I waited and waited and I could have hung out with my girls who I haven’t seen for ages. In the back of my mind I think he did it on purpose. He doesn’t like my girls cuz they questions how he’s treating me. “That’s so petty” ( well if the shoe fits) ” I would never do that” I just forgot is all ( We had tickets and I was calling). Fine!! “Just come pick me up already” I say as I slam the phone down. It has started to rain and fearing for my hair I rush back to the house and past my roommate who is Still on the phone. Such a phone hog. I rush upstairs and finish putting on my clothes. I shimmy into a new dress all my dresses are new these days. And brush my hair the way he likes it. My mind is a blank as I put on my mascara I have willed it so. Silence is the best policy in times like these. I’ll be fine I just need to go out! He pulls his shiny Lexus up to the club and immediately we are whisked past the velvet rope and into the VIP section. I smirk as I feel the wanting eyes following me as I move. Uh huh VIP ALL THE WAY BABY!! The dull ache of my headache still lingers. I close my eyes waiting for the “FEELING” to pour over me. Damn! I must ” NEED a Drink”! I yell this to him over the music. He pauses, and in the pause I remember. Sh#^%T he needs money! Annoyed I reach into my purse and hand him 2, $20’s that should cover a drink and gas to get us home later. I mean he did get us in. We’re even right? We are moving to the beat but somehow his sexy body and the pulsating music do nothing for me. He leans in to whisper something in my ear…is his breath stinky? Yep. I turn and walk off of the dance floor and then keep walking until I hit the door (where I nod at his friend Todd) and then I keep walking until I see a Taxi. I can hear him behind me trying to catch up and calling my name. I turn and blow him a kiss…”You’re Right I’m Wrong” I say. But I’m done. I want peace and harmony. No flakes and facades. THINGS won’t make me happy. Being with someone should make me feel better in my skin not worse. Trust your instincts. Keep your friends.
I am coughing and my throat is raw from my effort. My eyes are bloodshot and my hair lays in a disheveled heap on my head. I look up to a steaming cup of something and I manage a weak smile as it is handed to me. “It’s beyond nasty but it will kill whatever this is” he says. The eyes are questioning though gentle the tone is reassuring. I nod my head taking the cup in hand and steady myself for the onslaught. And true to his word it is amazing in it’s awfulness. It lingers where it shouldn’t and I am perfumed with it’s insistent scent. YUCK! But days later I do indeed feel better. He is relieved…I am pitiful in my gratefulness. Death by unknown bubonic in my twenties…please I need to speak to the writer. I had been in this state for more than a month and he’s only known me for 6 months. It’s nothing like starting to date a girl with the plague. I am restless, he is steady. I am bacon he is vegetarian. I am rock he is jazz. I am free form he has schedules. He is hesitant I am sure of hand. He is resistant I am dazzling. I give space he comes closer. Always always…he is kind, he is truthful, he is interested, he is straightforward. We Blossom. We are laughter, we are sexy, we are grace, we are silly, we are committed, we are visionary, we are freedom, we are 17 years…
It’s 8:45pm on a Saturday night and my daughter is crying. Like she started off pouting and now she is producing real tears. Ugh! Her brother looks on and decides he has some tears of his own. I gaze at them both. Sigh. Then I take a moment to reassure and rub their backs for a few seconds while reminding them it is only one night a week. Lordy! You see tonight is “Date Night”. My girl has decided not to relent so moving out of her grasp I reach for my necklace and give myself a last once over in the mirror. Yep I’m looking good!! “Why do you Have to go out” they sob with tear streaked cheeks. “Why can’t you stay home and cuddle” they lament. I give them a last side eye as I step over the puddle that is them on the floor and head to the door. My heels make a click click click on the wood floors. They jump up seeing that their cries are getting them no where and they don’t want a goodbye with out a kiss and a hug. Good! I hug them tight and kiss their heads. ” I love you”! “Be sweet and mind your manners.” They calm down and give big hugs. I am relieved. Giving one last set of instructions to the babysitter I give the “come on eye” to the Hubby and with that we step out into the night not looking back.
Whew we made it.
Luckily it’s not always like this.
I smile into the night. The air is crisp and the moon is full. All thoughts of the scene prior to this moment floats into the air like vapor. I have officially “clocked out”. My Man (i.e. Hubby) takes my hand as we sit in the car with the music turned up way past kid level and the “Explicit” lyrics pour over my grown up ears. I wince. Ooohhh is that what they are really saying! Yikes. I exhale and drink in this feeling of being “Me” on a Date. Like Cinderella at the ball my heels are high and my hair is swinging I’m a Sexy Lady tonight not someones mama or caretaker or a cleaner upper, or a homework helper and yes… it feels yummy.
Now I know this sounds like a #BadMommyMoment but I beg to differ. Just 2 hours prior I was watching my baby girl in a totally different kind of production. This one of the School Play variety. It was Wizard of Oz and oh how I love musical theatre. I laughed I clapped I videotaped. I brought flowers and I was oh so Proud!!
And just 4 hours prior to that… we were all still in bed clothes. Piled high on our bed we were having a tickle showdown. Followed by a slipping sliding chase through the house monster voices included…!!! Then falling into a laughing heap sunlight on our faces trying to catch our breathe ….aaahhh full on Mommy Goodness!!
Sooooo by the time this crying cling to my leg production was going on stage I had nothing for it…. Nope not a thing. Other than a “Uhh No You Didn’t”!!!!
The life of a Mommy is such a fun gooey mess of events. It’s filled with joy, laughter home made gifts, tears, fits and yes lots of compromise. What we are supposed to accomplish on little sleep, no food you don’t have to share, no time to call our own, and absolutely no time to sit still is a Feat worth a Hero Award!! SuperMommy at your service!
Like most Moms thoughts of being ” the best mommy ever” fill my waking moments. Am I doing it right? Are they getting enough, love and time? Am I feeding them right, disciplining them enough, paying attention Enough!! Whew it’s a whirlwind!
But I had decided early on that I was not going to be a “Mommy Martyr” and become a shell of my former self. I was gonna read books listen to advice follow my instincts do my best and call it a day!! I signed on to Motherhood having a clear idea of what it took. Ok as clear as you can be with out having a kid of your own. I knew it was long hours and little pay. And yep the reality…was All that plus a side of Chips!! Motherhood is truly is not for the faint of heart. But like any CEO of a high powered Company…It’s tough but I wouldn’t trade it for anything! In fact LOVE it!
But I am also clear about boundaries and balance. Why can’t motherhood be fun and also work for everyone. Hey not to mention I have a Hubby. He needs attention too right!!!! I mean if the marriage is gonna survive and we are going to continue to like/love each other.
To that end…
I am a firm believer in bed times, adult vacations, mommy staycations (know your local hotels) and a Standing Saturday night date night!! I am appalled at the number of mommy’s who haven’t had a date night in God knows how many months, who haven’t seen the inside of a club since the 90’s and who have no clue what is the latest movie out.. before it gets to Netflix. Or unless of course it’s a Kid flick. In that case they had tickets the moment they went on sale.
Ok fine I hear the grumbling …Geesh I relent on the club!! But Movies and a Nice dinner out once in a while STICKS!! Come on who doesn’t need a little bit of candlelight a couple of times in the year !!
We Moms GIVE So Much…so this year I dare you …in fact I triple Dog Dare you to get out and live a little. You know have some fun!! Stick in a Girls night dare I say every 3 months (Gasp!) And a Date night twice… ok ONCE a Month (Sharp intake of Breathe).
Oh and for my daring-est triple toe loop Crazy loony Mama Dare….
I dare you to think about Yourself FIRST Once a Month….Aaaaahhhh I see you turning red in the face don’t pass out stay with me!!!!
Once a Month (You pick the Day) and on that Day it’s ALL about YOU! What you want to eat, where you wanna go, who you wanna go with (if anyone) , how you wanna feel, what you wanna smell, what you wanna see,
…how you wanna just BE !
So that you get to know YOU a little bit more in 2014.
So that you get to Enjoy your journey.
There is one life…one time around this Ferris Wheel!
The Dance Floor!
Ok so it’s the Holiday’s in case you missed it. It’s a time for Love, Cheer, Baby Jesus, Reindeer, Good Will and Getting lots of Stuff.
Not just one special gift. Nope you get “Gifts” and you get to make a list of all the stuff you could ever want and you’re supposed to be able to get it (via yo parents or somebody). But you can’t take credit for it instead you defer most if not all thank you’s to a Jolly guy named Santa.
So the kiddies have been writing down their Christmas Lists. For more Toys. I’m assuming new underwear and socks are not on the list. They don’t “need” any more toys…really they don’t. I mean I can hardly move without stepping on a toy in their room. So “need doesn’t even come into this equation at all. But there are definitely a lotta things they want! Thanks to a little something called commercials. Now let’s just say that “I hate commercials” I mean seriously they do their evil job oh so well. It’s funny cuz really this year is the first year that we have had Christmas lists. Crazy right? Somehow we have totally and utterly escaped the idea of lots of presents under the tree and all these things the kids “have to have to have”. We got them clothes and some toys…and everyone was happy. Well that has come to a grinding halt this year. This year there are makes and models and locations and strategies for how where and when to get these items. When I ask my son what he wants he is literally spouting the commercial word for word. Somewhere in the catchy little tune is the “name” of the item he wants but well we need to say the whole thing so as not to get it wrong.
Thank Jesus for the fact that PBS Kids and Nick Jr have no real commercials. They have commercial light… But we have moved on up the spectrum of “WTH” is my kid watching… Ok “Dog with a Blog” or “Jessie” ( cute shows actually) But now the real “pushers” are out and they got claws and they are not afraid to use them.
Every other second is a commercial onslaught of want need and gotta GET!!
I have gone into this mini tirade not because I am lamenting the commercial-ness of Christmas and where oh where has the meaning gone. Even though…where oh where and really really! Nope I’ve written all of this because I too have some lists of wants that I want Santa to fill…
My pusher of choice is Magazines, Catalogues & Books so here goes.
1- I want my guy to dress like the guy on the cover of the Lucky Brand catalog.
2) I want my house to look like pretty much any page in Pottery Barn.
3) I want to live inside of the goop Blog. Especially the section with the places to Go. I wanna Eat in all the recommended Eateries and Stay in all of the hot Spots.
4) I want to be as in “Look Exactly Like” pretty much any Angel in my Victoria Secrets Catalogue especially the boobs in the bra and the buttocks in the cute little panties.
5) The kiddies can be dressed like anyone in the Crew Cuts Catalogue …the styling is extra stylyie
now for the second half of my list I need total freedom
6) Net Jets…Yep 4 times per year “Departures Magazine” has great plans and deals. 2 Family Vacations and 2 Adults only vacation.
7) I wanna buy a whole “Ark of Animals” in Heifer Catalogue Yep that includes 2 of most all farm animals
I didn’t want to write anything about The Man. The Man and his Greatness. Because well I figured all the great writers are writing about him right now. And I am not a great writer. And well what do I have to say about him that has not been said.
But after I mentioned this to the hubby he said “so what” you still have the right to mourn him to express your own personal feelings about the man.
…This Amazing Man the One and Only Nelson Mandela.
And as I sat and watched the tributes roll in. Watched the pictures being posted and his words being shared again and again I felt it. That thing that is the undeniable fact that we have lived in a time that framed the life of Nelson Mandela. A fierce crusader for Justice and Equality. A person who with dignity forged himself into a diamond a pearl through his hardship. This man this champion this leader….has Passed… and the tears fall unchecked .
I have to say that my attachment to Mandela was a very selfish one and very small by my own estimation. To me he represents Endurance and Patience and Despite the Odds Triumph.
I have found that my path has not been one that has been straight and easy to navigate. The twists and turns have been many. The pain has been real and the ability to cope has been needed. I found that because of this I gravitated towards those that have endured. I gained strength through them. Those that have not just survived but thrived admits the turmoil and chaos. Those were my beacons of light.
When I looked on his countenance I saw the years but not the scars. I saw the wisdom and the knowledge and the determination and the clarity. But I did not see hate and resentment and exhaustation in well-doing. How did he do this?
I am 10 yrs old and it is pitch black and I am lying very still in bed but I am awake. The smell is keeping me awake that along with the scratchy ness of the thin blanket and the fact that I am cold. All of these things plus the narrowness of the bed are not allowing sleep to come. I feel the breath of my sister who is lying beside me. Her slowed breathing is the only warmth I feel and it’s steady cadence calms me. As I train my ear to listen I can single out six different breathing patterns. You see my whole family is in this room. We are in a shelter or rather a Half-Way house. Half way to where? The streets I suppose and we are happy to have a place to stay….
How did he do that? How did he not come out of prison after 27 years not broken and battered angry and rage full . How? Those that knew him said that prison was a crucible and that Mandela bent the place and the people to his content of character. Aaahhh his character. The cell was tiny I have seen pictures and it housed a bed a table a chair and a pail. In the first 10 years he was allowed one visitor a year for 30 min and one letter every 6 months.
“Difficulties break some men then make others, no axe is sharp enough to cut the soul of a sinner who keeps on trying, one armed with the hope that he will rise even in the end” Nelson Mandela
My deepest desire in my life is to live fully. Mandela lived fully. To do this one must keep ones spirit intact. Though your spirit might be battered and bruised. It is like the heart is for the body. You must have it intact in order to live. Our spirit is the very life blood to our existence and it must not be broken. And so I protect mine with my very breath.
I am 8 yrs old… or so and I am lying in bed telling stories to my siblings. I say my age loosely for it really doesn’t matter. During my child hood I learned to forget so often and so well that recalling things now creates an ever shifting sheet of ice. Just when I lock ahold of something it breaks off and drifts away. Instead I remember through my senses and senses bely age. I am in bed telling stories to drown out the sound of arguing coming from the other room. I am animated and have voices for each character. They laugh and we talk and one by one they fall off to sleep. I lie awake listening. What is the matter? The usual. Lack of money, too many mouths to feed…not enough work… general annoyance and dismay about life. I hear a slap and then low crying.
I saw in this man the ability to endure. We live in a “right now” “easily hurt” society. Every challenge or discomfort is looked on as an evil . Comfort is sought at every turn even to the discomfort of others. “Life is hard” is spoken after a bad day at the office. People are in therapy for having been love to hard.” I read somewhere “You Day was Bad…not your Life”. How true. I sober up.
Mandela went to prison at 45 yrs old. The prime of life. He was released at 72yrs old.
HOW did he Endure? How did he thrive? HOW!! I am sure he had his bad days and months…hell I’m sure he had years of despair of doubt of fear of …no way outness. But yet he resolved to not be broken.
I am 18yrs old sitting in a car that my mother is driving she is talking and talking I am catching every other word. “Don’t come home” , “Don’t call”. I am staring down at the brace on my knee shifting it slightly to relive the dull throb… or is it in my head. “You have to figure your own way, I’m done”. We pull off to the side of the road where I see my friends waiting in their new red Civic to take me back to school. She is talking I am thinking… 3 months I have 3 months. She sits down my bags as I scan their bright faces. Watching a different mother great them warmly … I wonder who can take me in for the summer…and what to do about my leg…Hmmmm.
“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemy” Nelson Mandela
This Man this remarkable man. Was released from prison while I was in college. He came out waving and Smiling. I remember his smile in all the news feeds. Not just a happy to be out of prison smile but a brilliant alchemy smile. He smiled like he had been made into Gold and he was about to Shine…!!!!
Oh and Shine he did! Watching him become the President of the Country that Imprisoned him was a day like no other. The people singing in the streets the banners waving the feeling of triumph and joy was palatable!! Though it was February It felt like spring and smelled like rainbows
“It always seems impossible until it is done”. Nelson Mandela
I am in the bed in the hospital it is bright and cheerful and full of flowers and balloons. Oh how I love flowers. I train my eyes on one of the blooms then look out of the window that is streaming with light. I am feeling excited, nervous and anxious. My life as I’ve known it has shifted permanently I have had a child. I shiver and pull the covers tight around me. The door opens and in walks my husband beaming followed by the nurse wheeling in our child. They announce she is perfect and lay her in my arms. She is so sweet and small and brown. she smells like morning and I stroke her little cheek and something in me relaxes. I realize I have been holding my breath and I laugh as I exhale and tears stream down my face. She is here, she is healthy I have done it. Fear fights for a place to be. What if I’m a bad mom? What if she doesn’t like me or I her. What if we don’t bond. She yawns and fidgets. I caress her small head and she opens her eyes. We lock eyes briefly on one another. She blinks yawns and closes her eyes once more. As if to say…”Hey… there you are …cool catch you in a bit” She was not worried at all. I am aloft on the waves of love. If I were a mere mortal before that day I got my cape at that moment. I felt fierce and determined and healed as I looked into her tiny face. The day I married I knew true love was possible the day my baby was born I knew I had come into my own. I felt capable and fully present. I knew I had the ability to fly.
I looked up to see my husband smiling down on me …What?
“Nothing you’re just shining bright…like a diamond”
This Man lived and more than fulfilled his purpose in life. He lived a life to be honored and emulated. He showed us what the human spirit was capable of and then charged us to do the same. He did not belittle anyones story or struggle but understood in all of us is the capacity to overcome and Love despite the challenges. My heart is forever changed because he lived.
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear but of the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid. But he who conquers that Fear” Nelson Mandela
Rest in Peace Great Man.
We Love You
I have a girlfriend who every time she see’s me she has to compliment my butt. She really just can’t help it. We hug, kiss, tell each other how good it is to see one another and at some point when I turn around she gets a view of my butt and she let’s me know. “Girrllll you have the best butt EVER”! Now I know she is genuinely happy to see it. All round and I hope perky:-) I understand she doesn’t possess such pronounced bounty and well when she see’s mine it must make her smile. And In her mind I guess It deserves a compliment… every time.
But I have to admit. In the beginning of our friendship this “booty report” would totally throw me off. “What was she really trying to say!” Was I getting fat? I spent more time then usual sideways in the mirror trying to do before and after booty comparisons. Was I bigger then the last time I saw her? Yada Yada. I would go so far as to try on “The Pants”! You know the ones you keep in your closet but don’t wear. The ones you rocked before kids. You try them on every now and then (for me weekly). To see if they still fit. Hey I use that instead of a scale. Getting into them in general is not an option. But are they tighter then last week or looser? Inquiring minds wanna know!! Each encounter with my friend would throw me into the same funky head space. But not for long!! Luckily by the time I had met her I had grown. Not sideways but upward…I was Wiser.
See she met me after the turbulent years. Because now me and my body are not only on good speaking terms. We have become friends. It isn’t that we always see eye to eye . Lord knows we have our spats. But we enjoy each others company. Laugh at the same jokes and agreed on the basics. We are in this together!!
Now this wasn’t always so. There was a time that my ample bottom along with the rest of me did not make me happy at all. I call those years (12 yrs old until 8 years ago)… The Dark Ages” Back in the day my bottom along with my sturdy thighs among other things were parts to be hid, draped and covered at all times. I developed this hour glass shape pretty early on. And we all know how adolescent boys can be…”Loud and Descriptive” about what they see. And even though my “development “was complimented. It made me feel self conscious. And of course true to “Crazy form” you want that which you don’t have. I, like every other girl in the Universe /Stratosphere wanted to be Skinny!! Or at least that’s what it feels like, one body type (give or take boobs and a tiny butt) for 500 million women. That’s INSANE!! (not to be confused with “Insanity” a very popular workout video.)
My relationship with my body closely resembled that of a dissappoving parent who’s kid was lucky enough to get a smirk or a grunt of approval on any given day. “Now you know good and well that in “this family” all we have are Skinny Thighs …uh I mean “Straight A students” young lady.” So what do you call This!!! Hmmm blink blink…looks a little too wide to lumpy to bumpy to, short to tall toooooo something that wasn’t meeting with “moms” strict standards.
Only sometimes on rare occasions when the outfit was perfect perfect and I had eaten just the right meal for a flat stomach. And the clothes hit at just the right angle and the light bounced off the right side of the planet as the sun and moon eclipsed and the birds sang in operatic unison…was I Happy with what I saw in the mirror. Good Lord…who wants to live with this kind of disapproval all the freakin time. It was enough to make a person wanna run away!! And stay gone! But since the person I wanted to run away from was me. We settled on a “if you don’t start nothin’ neither will I” kinda relationship. We stayed away from religion, politics and short shorts hoping that would keep us out of trouble.
It wasn’t until after the Freshman 15 lbs, after it was lost, after College, after studying abroad, after living in NY & London, after my first real heart break, after my first 10 jobs after my first years of marriage and after my first BABY!!! That I finally really started having another kind of relationship with my body. That I stopped being the DOM needing my body to be the Submissive… That I started a new conversation with my body. A conversation that involved listening and talking. Where nurturing and loving and kindness came into my “body vocabulary” Where allowing my body to be be itself came into my way of being.
I remembered desiring with all of my might to be pregnant. I so prayed my body would cooperate. I remembered with elation waving around the stick that showed two mighty stripes. I remembered watching my body change with a new life growing deep inside. All of the thoughtfulness and the savoring of food that not only kept me alive but grew another life as well. Oh how I clucked over every choice. Lovingly reading the packaging. Checking to make sure that I was taking in enough of this or that so that the heart and lungs and brain would be perfect on this new being. Aaaahhh food & exercise became my wand and I it’s sorcerer. We were not only friends we were allies and we were in perfect pitch harmony “Must birth healthy baby”!!!
And we did it!!! We accomplished said task!! My beautiful daughter was born. After the process I looked at my body with it’s new curves and new bumps and lumps and thought…hmmm where to now?
Instead of going into complete panic mode. I read every accounting of how to get my body back. I had exercised throughout (doing yoga until the very day I birthed her). I had slathered myself with cream from head to toe. Get close to me during pregnancy and you are liable to slip slide away. I decided this was our new project and I dived right in. I did everything reccomended including binding my stomach, drinking the teas and starting slowly. I was invigorated with the process (yes with some anxiety) I was experiencing sleepless nights and long days. I was breastfeeding and tied down to a new crazy schedule of what she wanted when she wanted it! Ugh!!
I had the baby blues and I wondered could I… would it …can we? But now I wasn’t dealing with an enemy. My body had somehow thru the process proved itself to me. It proved it’s strength its capableness it’s amazing nurturing power. I was now dealing with a friend. And so we made a pact. If I chose the right things to eat, & moved my body as often as I could. If I would journal and talk to friends. If I would write and keep my mind moving. If I would seek help from my hubby and baby care. Then my body would do it’s part. It would pull itself back in and tighten up. It would allow me to walk and then run. It would glow and smooth out…it would calm into peace of mind. It would take care of me if I took care of it!
It grieves me to no end to hear us girls/women/mommies berating our bodies soooooo! Argh!! The mean words we say the unkind ways we treat our beings. The yucky things we feed our bodies and the lack of movement that our bodies must endure and then to be so un-lovingly thought of. It’s a wonder they don’t break down and cry daily. And weep for all the things they do that go completely unnoticed. Like the heart beating and the lungs expanding and the brain functioning and the cuts…healed and the babies born. All done with out a thank you in sight…
It’s a wonder they just Wail…and then quit.
And sometimes that’s exactly what happens. They get so tired of being mistreated. That they just can’t take it anymore and let you know it. Too much anxiety…hair falling out. Too much processed food…weight gain. Too much high stress….heart attack. Not enough movement and fresh air…Break down.
Would you want to do “better” for a task master such as this?
It is only thru kind words and action that our bodies will respond in kind. And like any relationship worth saving the change must start with you.
Loving yourself just the way you are. Body scrub and massages for your body as is. New makeup and hair for yourself NOW. New clothes uh huh right NOW. I know you are gonna lose those 20 lbs but your body and soul craves to look good TODAY. We have to love and reward ourselves and bodies for what they have ALREADY accomplished!! We are already behind in the accolades for services already rendered and it is Time to PAY UP and Pay it Forward!!
Recently the hubby posted a great quote about Big Butts & those who love big butts…”Trust anyone who loves Big Butts for they cannot lie”.
I laughed so hard because…
Truth be told I Finally know what my Ass-ets are!!
And I cannot Lie…
And by that I mean I HATE them!
Yep I used the “H” word and I mean it to the 10th degree!!
Having a friendship with an adult is like hanging out with a teenager all day and night. You’re having sooooo much fun sharing, caring and wearing matching bracelets and then BAM someone says something stupid in the hall ( doesn’t even have to be you) but it triggers a series of unfortunate events. Miss understood texts, talking in the locker room and well somehow you get dumped, blamed and well you NEVER know what happened. Remember those days? But fortunately as a teenager …your mom or a teacher or another friend gets wind of the Shakespearean comedy of errors and sits you down and sets the record straight while you all listen to Taylor Swift. Then you all cry and fish the bracelets out of the garbage and say what a dofus you’ve been. And the sun shines and the birds sing and well…you’ve seen the movie!!
But we are not Teenagers nope. In the Adult world it all looks mighty different. In the adult world. You don’t get the promotion, the locks change, the email’s stop, the book club goes on without you. Oh and you are not invited to their kids next birthday party…which by the way is happening at the Kids play space that you regularly take your kids toooooo….AKWARD!
And do you know WHY all of this is happening???? Huh?????
NO….Noooooo You Don’t!!!
Ok Ok maybe after you hit your head on the concrete a number of times you might have a vague shadowy recollect of something that should have been nothing…but hmmmm could that be it? Nahhhh…yeahhhh????
AND do you know WHY you don’t know for sure ? Drumroll please…..
Because no one wants to TALK. The absolute gripping fear of confrontation ( talking things out) Kills 95% of Adult Friendship.
Yep it’s that simple…. no one wants to talk about the shit and the ugh and the hurt and the pain and the stuff. No one wants to confront the uncomfortable-ness that comes with being a person and living a life. No one wants to make a mistake or be seen as someone who has flaws. In order to keep Adult friendships alive ( I have studied the mating rituals of this species) you need to either have an Alien mind meld ( You Absolutely agree with each other on all aspects of life here and beyond). OR be equal parts “Easy going” muscle relaxant style “. “Blind (Mob Style) ” oh and Numb (that gash…oh please can’t even feel it).
But let’s just say you are one of “those ” people who wanna “talk” wants to know. You can’t just “go along with the rules”!
And if by some chance you corner the person to talk and yes I do mean corner them. Just to “talk” and you know “clear the air”. Cuz things (birthday party…book club…girls night outs) are not what they used to be. As in you are no longer invited.
Yep they smile and lie. “Oh no nothings wrong…just been busy” You know kids, work, school, Bob, Mom…blah blah blah. And there is no Taylor Swift song and there is no fishing the bracelet out of the garbage and well you end up feeling like why oh why did I even ASK. Ugh!
Or they lie and say nothing is wrong and start doing passive aggressive stuff like “forgetting to put your name on the list or mention that you were interested in being on that committee or the invitation must of got lost in the mail. Really!! And this happens so often you can’t decipher when the invitation Really is lost in the Mail. Argh!
OR and this is my favorite…you have a come to Jesus talk they tell you everything. You laugh you talk you cry. And then they avoid you like the plague because now you know their secrets and well they can’t bear to see you and (the secrets again). Like… if I tell you… I’ll have to kill you GodFather Style. Sigh!
You know when we were kids. When we knew why sweet shy Sarah started skipping school and smoking in the bathroom with the older kids and sleeping with the football team. We knew that her parents had gotten a divorce and the dad remarried and he doesn’t come around anymore. We knew that her mother started to drink and that she cries at night. We still talk to her on weekends when her Grandmother brings her to the same church you go to. She admits she’s sad and being “stupid” with all those boys but she’s pissed at her dad. We still see her as she really is. We talk and laugh about happier times. We are happy for her when her mother gets a new job and meets a nice guy. And we couldn’t be prouder when she starts coming to school with a scrubbed face and pig tails again.
Remember those days.
But as an adult we don’t know what happened to each other prior to starting this new job…moving to this new town…joining the same mommy and me class. Instead we get to “know” the person we see at the school bake sale and the kids soccer games. We might have some play dates with the kids or go out to a Happy Hour. And we might start to notice that they never mention the town they were in before. Or that they can Never go out after the PTA meeting (something about the husband liking you home) or they don’t talk about their first marriage or they drink a little too much.
And we all have a choice.
To get to “know” them better or just let this new info float along on the breeze….All easy going like…
And this choice becomes less conscious and more about survival the more hurt and confusion we suffer at the hands of so called “friends”. If enough Friend-grenades go off in your face. Well you just don’t wanna “know” anymore. We just wanna “get along” have a “nice” time and not “spoil” everything. So we live a life of almost friendship. It’s kinda toddler style. We do things side by side but we don’t “Share”. We don’t wanna risk (being pummeled in the head with a rattle).
We smile and bake and cry in private. We suffer from misunderstanding and half told truths. We share a laugh over our kids heads in line and we tell “all about our day” in the bleachers. When it goes wrong when we hurt or get hurt…Well we just join another class or sign up for another committee or move.
We are the walking wounded. Hurting and being hurt. Unconsciously and sometimes on purpose. It’s all just horrifying.
I find this kinda life Sucky and crazy uncomfortable and yucky and icky. Kinda like half living. All of this NO INTIMACY Makes me wanna Holla!! Yeah I’m besties with my hubby and my kiddies are “my life” but Seriously!!
I am Raging against the machine. I have decided not to learn” this lesson. I have decided that it is better to love and have loss then to not have loved at all. It is better to know. It is better to be KNOWN. It is better to go in deep and live full and free.
Now don’t get me wrong I do all of this oh so carefully these days. The years of friend – grenades going off have left their mark I must admit. I have little or no patience for small talk and being with people that I feel no organic connection. I am not interested in agreeing about the weather and being with the “cool” crowd…who even knows what that means anymore.
I want to “feel” something I want to be connected to like minded people. I want to dance, travel, laugh and cry. I want to talk about stuff that matters I wanna smell the roses. I want to encourage and be encouraged. I want the space to be honest and full and Me…tiara and all.
Because If the grenade goes off… I wanna have been reaching for soul intimacy.
Live Big or Go Home….
So cleaning up my kiddies rooms always causes me great grief…like I wanna weep grief. Not because of the obvious. I really don’t mind cleaning so much…most of the time. No it’s because as I clean I see once beloved toys thrown on the floor or in a bin. And I see what kind of shape they are in. Arms missing, pieces gone, eyes poked out, cars with no wheels. Argh Ugh!! Once Upon a time these toys were so loved and even longed for. Like…”Dear Santa I wish I wish I wish for a Brand New…” or “Dear Tooth Fairy”…or plain ole Mommy/ Daddy can you please oh please buy me….yada yada…it’s “What I Always Wanted”!!!
Holding my daughters naked doll the other day (for some reason she likes them naked) made me think of this Riveting Bio Pic I recently watched. It was about one of my all time favorite girl groups TLC. I sang I wept, I cried. I loved it!!! Here was the soundtrack of my college years in all of it’s glory.
But what gripped me most about the story is not that they were “Pebbled”!! ( you gotta watch to get the reference) Or that one bandmate died tragically ( still seems unbelievable). No. What struck me most as I watched is that through all of this chart topping… hit after hit…. for 10 years… life they all lived.
For them Life was just happening. After the initial OMG we are on the radio!!! OMG we are on stage!!! OMG we are doing this!!!
Regular ole life happened!!! Regular run of the mill usual story of love ,loss and longing. I loved a boy and he didn’t love me…My Dad never approved of me and died before we could reconcile…I wish someone would really see me for who I am kind of …. LIFE!!
The primary story was how they were swindled out of the money they should of made ( Crazy Criminal Music Biz Behavior.) I too was caught up in their shock,,hurt and anger over their treatment. How could they have been done sooo wrong!! Who is to blame!! Argh Argh. But after that feeling came and went what still lingered and lingers still is…
But they did it they DID IT!!! That “IT” that many a starving artist would lie steal and cheat for. They did THAT!!
But that in and of itself does not make you immune to LIFE and it’s happenings and it does not make you Happy.
No matter what… Life is still gonna happen. With all of it’s marks and flaws and imperfections and brilliant moments followed by crippling defeat followed by Amazing Come backs!!
Everything that you have in your life right now…USED to be a “Longing” a “Desire” a “Dream” that came TRUE. It came True already!!
But the overriding theme of my life started to be “The New Toy” I wanted. Success in my career. I could do this or go there if only I had success in my career. So and so would respect me if only I had “success in my career”
Well guess what…that bag of “Longing” will never be filled. In fact once filled (again) I would be happy for about as long as it took to unwrap it. And then…on to the next “want”!!
I decided that the “Longing Bag” must be thrown away stomped on and torched. Because no amount of Fame or Fortune or New Job or New Guy is really gonna ever make us happy. Unless YOU are Happy Right now. Right as things are.
Otherwise it’s just New Day old Shit or New Day Brand New WANT!!! Whaaaaaayyyyyy!!!
So I suggest we dust off all of our old toys and play with them today. No matter what condition they are in. No matter if the dream guy snores or doesn’t help with the dishes. Or the kids are fussy and needy. No matter if the job is not all it was cracked up to be. Or you need a raise. If you look at it in the right light. “YOU are #Winning” You got what you asked for…”You Won the Lottery” !!! Whooohooo!!
The “Be Happy NOW Light is on”
I suggest you grab a dozen!!
So as you know it’s the day after Halloween which basically means it’s the week before Christmas!!
My daughter woke up this morning and literally wanted to know how many more days we had until Christmas? Huh!!! It was Halloween like 8 hours ago. I felt sweaty and my heart started to race.
Because I realized that they must have gotten to her…
Them…those people…those ADVERTISER Zombies and Make Money Money Vampires had bitten my baby!!!
We all know late last night they were throwing the pumpkins in the trash along with the candy and the scary masks and the wicked witch costumes… some with kids still tricker treating in them!!! Because they are in sucha darn rush to move on to the NEXT Thing. The Next Money Making THING!!
Yeah it was JUST Yesterday! So before you feel pressured to buy your Turkey tomorrow and put your wreath up on Sunday.
I recommend that for just a moment Pause and Breathe Deep. Don’t take down your skeletons and goblins…leave your brilliantly carved pumpkins out!! Take a moment to LINGER…Yep linger and spread out in this moment.
This weekend I challenge you to make a list of all of the ways you want to feel this Holiday Season. Yes FEEL…like I want to feel connected to family. Or I want to feel peaceful or joyful or accomplished or loved. Or I want to meet new people.
Then write a list of what has to be done for the Holidays. I gotta take the kids to see my parents. Or I gotta buy toys, I gotta buy people Christmas gifts. I gotta go to the darn office party…Yes the “Gotta Do” list can go on and on.
Now look and see if how you want to feel and what you have to do make any overlaps. Like I want to feel connected to my family…overlaps with I gotta take my kids to see my parents. Or I wanna meet new people might overlap with the Office Party. Or I want to feel accomplished overlaps with what I need to give people for Christmas ( maybe you make something)!!
Hmmmm Maybe just maybe you can come out on the other end of this Frenzied Season Feeling anything BUT…Frenzied.
Instead you “get to feel” Accomplished and Connected and Surrounded by people and Love.
Just by changing our Perspective we can change the whole Experience.
Ok so that’s my take!!
Cuz gosh darnit I’m still eating Candy!!
Are you a Voyeur? I hope so because I’m about to take you on my Friday Fantasy World of intrigue and make believe… Ok I’ve gone too far It’s Friday and I thought it would be fun to share my alternate Universe Fantasy Friday… Whaaa ha haaaaa ( sorry that’s a Halloween Scary voice)
Absolutely no Judgement in reading …it’s my fantasy.
So the day starts with my own personal Meditation Guru sounding the gong and aligning my chi in my private OM sanctuary ….the candles flicker as the bamboo sways ( cue the soft yogi music). I vibrate with the feeling of Peace, Calm and Oneness…
Finished and re-calibrated on my “Mission of Personal Greatness” Whooohoooo!!
I join my personal trainer “Tracy Anderson” who takes me through my paces in my home gym. ( Cue Rick Ross and “I’m a Boss”) blasting from the speakers.
Finished I run upstairs (dream home moment) Cue the slow motion anything by Beyonce and halo lights.
I enter the children’s wing of the house. They are already stirring and starting to put on their clothes…beds are made and they are in great co-operative Morning Moods!! (Shhhh no input please)
We laugh and I help them into their clothes ( I picked them out they approve) we smell the yummy smells of breakfast floating up the stairs. Whiffs of Fresh coffee brewing and hmmmm I think that’s organic bacon sizzling must be a pancake, egg whites morning. Oh and yes there it is the whirring of the blender as my green drink is lovingly prepared. (Cue Florence from the Brady Bunch)
Kissing the kiddies on the head I proceed to my wing of the house. Where my handsome hubby (yep same one he happens to be my fantasy already) is just coming back from a morning run. All glistening with our morning work out we embrace and passionately kiss as he rubs my just worked out buns of steel. I pull away…no time for that …but then plant a quick furtive kiss just to let him know the evening promises more ….from where that came from. ( Cue heavy sigh followed by “I still got it hmmm hmm”)
After showering I sit to have my hair blown and styled and makeup done for the day…by yes you guessed it Professional Hair and Makeup Folk …I don’t know they names yet.
Coiffed and dressed I join the family for breakfast as we share “Family fun moments”.
Piling into my Hybrid Range Rover ( no they don’t have one yet) I drop the kids off at school and hug and kiss them and remind them “Grandma & Grandpa are picking them up to take them for the weekend” (i say “Grandma& Grandpa” loosely casting still to be determined). They whoop and squeal in delight. And for those who are wondering the aforementiond “Grandma & Grandpa” keep clothes and everything they need at their place so there’s never any need to pack)!! Ha! (Cue the you betta do it music.)
I drive to my Production offices on the Paramount lot where I greeted by my assistant and my head of Productions. They brief me on my day. I then proceed to have back to back high powered meetings regarding my “Shows” on the air my “Films” in the works and my “Book deals”. All items are “rating giants”, “getting the green lights” and in “final edit”. Whooohooo!! I leave my assistant with notes to Hire Hire HIRE. Say yes to 3 speaking engagements ( I do them for young people for free) and set up a meeting to look over the plans for the school we are building.
I then zip off to meet my Besties for lunch Kerry Washington, Beyonce, and Gwyneth Paltrow at an organic unassuming location. The subject “Girl Domination, World Up liftment and of course FASHION” Whooohooo!! No soundtrack needed…Beyonce is at the table!! Oprah calls in and reminds us that we are all meeting her in Cabo at the One & Only for the weekend.
Fast forward to me and the hubby on a moonlit beach in Cabo. Swaying to the music of Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, Jill Scott Adele, (they decided to come down also)
We look loving into each others eyes….we throw our heads back and laugh in complete bliss kiss we can’t believe we get to live this LIFE!!
And no I’m not about to say how Twerking is good for your health…though it might be. Never thought about that.
What I am gonna say is that Twerking can save your marriage?
Uh Excuse me Dahn? Come again!! I mean really!!
Yes… so bear with me for a minute.
It’s my honey’s birthday today and well being married has been a reveal on a couple of things that I thought I couldn’t do. But Surprise !! With a little work I can. They were items that I previously considered you know not really “Me”!! like Twerking. The …I’m just not that kinda gal… kinda things.
Well here are a couple of those things that I learned for the sake of my marriage. Now don’t go thinking I would be divorced with out them. But I’m all about smooth sailing and enjoyment factor…
So here goes…
#1 Wear Heels- Yep I was one of those ladies who was “just not so comfortable in heels”. I mean it’s hard enough to walk and now I have to do that teetering 4 inches pitched forward off the ground. Not so practical and then not so easy. But in the beginning of our relationship I realized what kind of visceral response I got from him ( & other guys) when I teetered his way. Runway walking came later. Remember practice makes better. Wearing heels was followed by appreciative looks and some wild fun nights and well I thought. Me & Heels maybe we can be friends. I have to say as I rub oil into my tired feet before bed. I have never regretted a sexy night in them. Yes there was a bad period when I bought the kinda heels that hurt my feet. Cuz they are cute. But those ended up in a ditch. And now I only buy 4hr ones. If I can go 4 hours… dance and hang and not wanna cut my feet off. Those are the ones for me.
#2 Shut Up – I know I know!! I talk a LOT and well that was a hard one. I had a retort for every comment. I “stood” up for myself at every turn. It was exhausting. I learned that strangely enough I got my way more often when I just shut my mouth. Every thought doesn’t need to find the wind. Every grievance should not end up in court. I learned to choose my battles wisely. My goal became to have peace I don’t always have to be right.
# 3 Wear Tight Clothes- and yes bathing suits. This thing still causes me to twitch. He loves my body as is. I have good and bad days with it. Show my body!!! Argh I like drapey or naked. But just tight clothes uh not so much. But every now and again I go all the way va va voom out there and oh how it is Highly praised and rewarded. Makes me wanna get out there again…almost…ok tomorrow. Note even in pic I have a cover on the top…sneaky!
#4 Observe how he likes it… and do just that. So much compromise comes into being married to someone. Where you’re gonna live. How many children to have if any. What your job can and cannot do as it encroaches on private time and family time. I consider myself a “Strong Woman” coming from a line of Strong Women. Some of them like my Grandmother raised kids primarily on their own. That can sometimes make it hard to acquiese to a partner and do it their way. We feel like we have given up some of our power. But I have learned that to thrive every now and again you gotta just do it their way. Including sending them out with their friends so they can kick it just like they want.
What’s even better for me is that I get what I give. The hubby caters to me sometimes and that is the best. He drives me to appointments and takes the kids off my hands and buys me takeout even after I cooked. Cuz I want something different. He encourages “Girls Night’s Out and Weekends Away”! Ooooweee!!
I love the Freedom to Be Me…within the We!
So on his days if Twerking is what he wants…
Twerking is what he gets foam rubber finger and all…
All this bad news… all this bad depressing horrible news with bad people doing bad things!!!
It’s like one long car wreck and then those that are rubber necking get into a wreck. And then to top it all off their is a Pile up!!
And everyone is standing around shaking their heads and just ingesting all of the fumes and getting the fumes in their hair and going home to lay in these fumes. These fumes of…desperate sadness and disbelief and not understandingness.
What happened? What made them snap didn’t anyone see the signs? On and on and around and around we go.
But today as I was shaking my head I decided not to indulge in the soup of disbelief and despair. Push the bowl away and rise from the table.
Just like the car wreck and the bad kid in school and the school bully and the annoying little brother. Take away their audience and well let’s see what happens.
Every fire needs fuel and this fire this blazing horribly out of control fire just might be fuiled from the oxygen of my attention. My rapt breathless, sad, hopeless attention.
So as I turn I breath a most earnest prayer for those that have passed. As I push away from the table I send upon the wind my most honest request for healing to those left behind.
And I turn off…
And turn away…
I have long been completely interested ok obsessed with the idea of see no evil do no evil. Do we think the violence that we see and “enjoy” watching do we think this violence does nothing too us.
The violent video games and horror movies and t.v shows. Do we think we ingest them untainted?
I know when I watch something creepy and sinister it feels as if it has crawled up on me and attatched itself to my heart and mind. It takes days to disentangle myself.
I am sensitive. I have always been this way. Not able to “watch” hear too much. But how much of insensativity is too much.
We all know what we think about people who kill people and have no conscious about it. They are wired different they don’t value human life. Video games and movies are make believe. Yes for many but how many can you watch and “feel” nothing about it. How much does it take from sensitivity and drawing a clear line…to curiosity to plain ole I’m gonna try this
Ok so this post is not for everyone…gonna say that right off the bat.
It’s opinionated and you can be offended (depending on how you feel right now) But it is me ranting and it is my blog so deal with it or stop reading!
I’m oh so tired of being asked “where am I going?” on any given day because of how I am dressed? As in I got dressed! Many think it is dressed up but for me it’s truly how I like to show up in the world. It’s not being phony or fake or vain it’s caring enough to send my very best me out into the world every day. It’s something my grandmother and mother taught me along with wearing clean underwear ( you never know what might happen in a day). I truly believe clothes do not make you “who” you are but they are the first “representative” that people see before you even speak.
I walk in the world largely as someones mom and someones wife. Well guess what I’m still a singular ME.
Somewhere along the way after Betty Draper wore pearls to kiss Don Draper at the door ( Mad Men reference) We Moms have let go of the idea of tending to ourselves. As if to say the more dishelved we are the more we must Love our kids. I’m calling Bull Sh$%t! Taking care of ourselves is essential to how we feel and how we FEEL effects just about everything in our lives. We dress our kids with care and we think it reflects how we care about them. Well guess what it does! So the same holds true for you. And loving ourselves and taking care of ourselves is a wonderful thing for our kids to mirror later on.
Cuz hey we matter too!!
And think about this we are essentially spending our youth caring for our kids. By the time they leave our house in (5-10-15 years) You will be…well you do the math. Now are you really gonna wait till then… to “Find the Time” ….to get a new dress, heck a new wardrobe, buy some new shoes, buy some fancy face cream, try a new haircut, have a massage, get your nails done, go out for a date night, or a girls night out… or dance into the night. Please live your life!!
Which brings me to my next point…
We Are Not OLD… I repeat we are NOT OLD! You know how I know. Cuz the elderly get discounts and tax credits and special parking spaces. I don’t get any of these. Do You? So until I do I’m retaining my right to be comfortably youthful with a twist of wisdom. I suggest you do the same.
Which brings me to my last point. You are not getting out of this Alive. NO matter what you do or don’t do who you love or don’t love. What dreams you go for or not. This is all ending up in the same place…the grave. With that in Mind. Go For IT!!! Dance class, Painting, blogging, starting your own business, continuing your education, wearing a thong, heels or a bathing suit!! Do It !! No matter what It is. No matter if people think you are dumb or stupid or ridiculous or past the “time” when you “should” be doing this kinda thing. Or dreaming these kinda dreams or desiring this kind of thing.
Who Freakin Cares!!
It’s Your Tiara and YOU Got the Right to WEAR IT!!
Have you been a hater and didn’t even know it?
I was…and realizing it totally caught me by surprise!
We have all heard that term..”hating” or being a “hater” Wow even writing it out now it sounds and feels so harsh. And in definition it is harsh. The idea of hating on someone is not liking them for who or what they are or what they are doing
Most of us readily shake our heads and pat ourselves on the back knowing we would Never be caught dead doing such a thing.
But I am finding more and more in my adult life that though there be fewer out right Haters out there. Closet haters abound everywhere”. It lies in the subtle speech. In the curtness of the look or the closing in of the ranks. In the not offering of help or the not giving of approval.
Many times the reason this quiet hater-ation sneaks up on us is because we didn’t realize we were dissatisfied in some area of our lives. Hating on happens when someone has what you want and in order to be ok with not having it we hate.
As we grow the line becomes blurred to who we just don’t like and who we are hating on because of this reason or that.
The desire to feel comfortable in our lives often times lead us
and I was shocked and So a common word in our pop culture is the ever popular “Hating” . Someone is hating on you for doing or being who you are. It’s definition is not liking on loving and or supporting who you are. someone because they
Uh No …Not according to him.
Everyday he wakes up with a smile on his face then he realizes that it’s NOT his Birthday TODAY and he breaks out in tears. Like literal tears. Streaming down his face with snot chasing after it.
Seriously…REALLY!! I’m thinking as I try to conjole, console and then plain ole be annoyed and dress him. Cuz darnit you got school today ….you cryin cuz yo birthday ain’t today havin’ son!!
I was so FRICKIN’ annoyed at him! Like wouldn’t you just be happy knowing your birthday is coming? Wouldn’t you just be happily counting down the days and getting more excited each day. Oooooh the Anticipation!
That was until Today!!
Today I REMEMBERED Just how crazy impatient I was to HAVE Him. How Everyday I would wake up and “hope upon hope” that this was “The Day”!! And then go to bed crestfallen rubbing my “still” big ole belly. I googled called friends and asked strangers on the street…the secret to getting this baby to come out already!!
I ate the salads, drank the drinks, had the sex, rubbed the oils …NO Baby!!
Finally I decided to relax and just let him take his own sweet time.
UHHH NO I WISH!!! In YOUR Dreams!!!
One Day I woke up and DECIDED “This Baby is coming TODAY”!!
I had been having all those “false” don’t mean nothing contractions, that they send you back home with. Well not me not today. I literally walked and sun salutation -ed (yoga pose) him out of my belly. I took the hubby and my sister with me and we walked and walked and walked and walked. I’d stop for contractions then keep walking….less he thought I was just playing or giving up. Everyone on my block remembers the day cuz I stopped in on many of them to say hello and in the middle of conversations I would stop to breathe.
That night sure enough he came!
Yes I was SOOOO Beyond Elated. But weeks later as I walked my weary ass to his bedside at 2am to feed and burp and rock him…Yet Again.
I felt a pang…
of wishing I was lying there just still feeling him in my belly.
I tried to remember how it felt.
I hoped I had Enjoyed the Journey!
So as I look at his tear stained face for yet another day …. I feel all of the compassion in the world well up inside of me!
For all of those who “Just Can’t WAIT for…A man…or a Woman…or a Kid …or a Job…or a Career …or REAL Success …or Money Security…or your Own House….or …or
All right all right tell me like it is. That’s what I said to the trainer at the gym the other day. I had been doing my own thing regarding fitness for quit a few years. So 2 kids and a lot of Shape Magazines later I thought I was doing pretty good. Hey I took classes hiked, ran and did yoga…great!
Yeah I might be a little tighter then I remember in my jeans but hey isn’t everybody?
So imagine my surprise as I show up at my newly joined gym for my “Complimentary” Fitness “Evaluation”. The trainer pulls out 3 sheets of questions and information along with gadgets and thingies that I had never seen. Right away I knew this was only gonna mean trouble. 30 minutes of step ups, dips and pull ups later…matched with measuring every single part of me everywhere …and by the way I never measured my thighs 2″ inches down from my hip bone…it’s too meaty right there!! And of course stepping on the dreaded scale. Which I save myself the torture of at home. And well I was in for a rude awakening of just “Where I WAS” Lordy!!
After the initial shock wore off…I started to laugh! Like laugh like “what’s wrong with that chick over there laugh! Most of my asessments of myself were off. Some things were way off and others just a smidge off but “off” non the less.
It’s a funny thing that happens in our lives when we are left to self monitor for periods of time. When we hang out in the shadows or in the back of the class. When we just can’t deal or can’t hear all of the truth.
I mean sometimes day to day life is just all we can handle and sometimes we are just barely managing that. During these times we are trying not to be “seen”. We don’t wanna be “called out” or “put on blast”
Because of that we are left to self evaluate how we are doing.
How am I doing on the job? Pretty good I guess. No complaints that I’ve heard. I mean that really mean much. I’m getting my work done on time …more or less. I’m adding a little bit in meetings… you know every now and then so the boss doesn’t thinkI’m sleep.
How am I doing in my relationship? Pretty good I guess. No complaints… well that I’m taking too seriously. Hey every couple fights sometimes. I’m doing my basic share of the household load…more or less. We have sex every…uh every? Look we’re busy!!
How am I doing with my friends?. Pretty good I guess. No complaints… I think? Haven’t had time to see them lately…
Well the list could go on and on…
Now let’s be real!! TOO much “checking in” is ridiculous, annoying and needy.
But not enough and welllllllll “Out of the BLUE” You’re being fired, served papers and watching on FB your old friends out with their “new friends”!!
Sooo it might be good to check in… you know every now and then.
Cuz hey they just might be like my trainer. Having no agenda just telling you the truth and well if you don’t want a fat jiggly butt. And if you don’t wanna weigh (x) amount. And if you don’t wanna have that body/fat index…Oy!
WELL Then You Might Wanna Get Up…. Get Out! Push harder and do more!! Check in… be creative, find a way. Make more time. Make your relationships a priority.
Because… The numbers don’t lie…and Neither does your life.
If you are willing to listen!!
We have taken up arms against one another. Yes we have the “Right to Bear Arms” to defend ourselves. Unfortunately those who are picking up their “arms”all too often are the walking wounded.
Wounded by mental illness or perceived offense or open hatred or prejudice or spite or personal vendetta. We are in a post 911 haze of post-traumatic stress syndrome. On guard at all times… Our lives have become a field of perceived land mines.
It has led to untold deaths, murders, killing spree’s and injury.
I am layed low by the enormity of sadness.
Trayvon Martin…. I have no words…
I have a wonderful young son. He is beautiful and innocent and sweet and people look at him and smile. He is only 5yrs old he is a non threat and people smile at him wherever he goes. Black, White old and young they smile. It is involuntary this smile but it lights his world wherever he goes.
But what happens as he grows?
As a mom our hearts are always sad as our babies grow up. Seeing our small bundles grow into full adulthood is a bitter sweet thing. But as he grows as my African American boy grows what happens to others perception of him? Will the smile linger on their faces?
Will his teenage years with all of it’s complexities all of it’s trying to find ones place. Lead to self expression that does not feel so “Open so Sweet So Un- Offensive.
We all know the scowl of the perpetual bored teen, the hair color the clothes… the “hoodies”
Will he be followed in the night …will he be seen as a “threat” will he be shot unarmed…
Will his killer go free…
Will we heal as a nation? Will we stand up and state that we are under “post traumatic stress” and seek help. Seek help for the hidden places in us that “profile” in the name of safety or religious rights or political rights or in defense of of “our Way of Life”!!
Will we take up “arms” in our hearts and in our minds to slay Prejudice and Hatred and Bigotry wherever we see it?
I am praying for this to be just the beginning for this new phase of our dialogue on this planet that we all share .
All of our little bundles are depending on Us…
Ok so a word not used much by adults… and I’m talkin about the kind that have “responsibilities” such as spouses, kids and mortgages and such. Is the word Fun. As in “I had soooo much fun it was crazy”!!! The kids have fun the dog has fun the squirrels look like they are having fun. Me? Well I had a pretty good time. Add in the word raucous and well there are even less takers.
It’s cuz we are sooo damn busy. Busy with the kids and the dogs and the squirrels. Busy with the bills and paying the mortgage and cleaning the house and doing the laundry. We are too busy to have fun. Ugh:( So thank the good Lord for holidays and weekends, birthdays and anniversaries . If ever we are gonna eek out some fun we are at least guaranteed the opportunity to try on one of these days.
For me the Merry Month of May houses my Birthday, my Anniversary and Mothers Day!!
I don’t wanna “look” like I’m having a good time …no posturing no standing in a corner looking cool and drinking. No having hushed conversations about the weather or sports or even kids for that matter. I wanna feel joy and expansion and freedom.
I wanna be free to be Me!!
The kinda free that you sweat out your hair, wear waterproof mascara and take off your heels for…ok maybe not the heels (let’s not get sloppy) but you know what I’m talking about. A little abandon in ones life is a pretty good thing.
Lucky for me I got a guy who thinks that’s not a bad idea himself.
Whooohoo let’s Go!
Drove with the windows down base thumping. Jumped out of the car several times to take pictures in front of our dating landmarks. Complete with a drive by my old apartment where the hubby once climbed up to my bedroom window (2nd floor) to get my attention. I even got a chance to say hi to the new tenant who wanted to see who the hell was taking pictures of his door in the middle of the night. After that drinks at one locale and a romantic dinner at another . And then not ready to call it a night yet. We headed to a club where I proceeded to battle dance two hip guys. Yes I kept my heels on.
As I stood on a couch dancing with a strobe light baton waving in the air . I had a surge of joy that welled up from my tummy. And in the midst of the pulsating beat of the club. I suddenIy saw my kids faces wrapped in hysterical laughter as we played the new “circus stunts” game I had just made up a few days earlier. Really!! Try watching another person try and touch their toes to their ear…ok but this time without your hands!! HA!! We all laughed so hard our faces hurt and then we played the no laughing game right after. Needless to say we were fit to be tied.
I have big Raucous fun at home… !!!
The idea of it made me jump even higher on the couch. The hubby reached out his hand to steady me and to make sure I had my balance…but no need to worry I felt the ultimate balance of a life well lived.
I was living in Pure Magic …strobe light sold separately.
So as you know from my last post I had gum surgery on Monday.
Can I just take a moment to let you know that I put the “H” on my chest and I Handled it…like a Big Girl I might add. It was truly every spine tingly thought that comes to mind when you think of cutting open ones gums peeling them back, scraping and grafting then stitching you back up…while you are Awake. Whatever for the gas. It was ouch, it was Aaaahhh it was the pits.
But since I am on a quest for all things beautiful on my journey. I dug down deep deep deep…(almost as deep as the surgeon) and I came up with my Top 5 Beautiful things about having gum surgery.
#1 You Will Lose Weight- Let’s go straight for the vanity here. I have been hungry going on my 3rd day since surgery. 4 days if you add the day of. My last meal was at 12noon. And throughout this time I have had 1 soft scrambled egg (bafflingly hard to eat) 2 quarters of avocado (mashed and smashed) 1 small bowl of pureed oatmeal (who knew those steel cut oats were so damn grainy) and 1 bowl of lentil soup ( a bowl of warm heaven). And lots of frozen yogurt courtesy of Menchii’s Hi Sara. What have I subsisted on you might ask. Lots and lots of green drinks. Me and Kale and spinach we “like that son”. (hip hop reference). I would tell Jillian Michaels about this. But I think she’s torturing her people enough.
#2 If you ever wondered what the Heck do you “feel” like eating. I can rattle off 20 meals in 20 seconds. This time has really done wonders for meal planning and the Sat night date planning of where oh where shall we eat. I know where and I even know what. Baring any specials ( I looked up all of the menu’s online).
#3 You get a chance to rest your voice. Remember that Edie Murphy Movie about only having a 1,000 words. Well for the first 2 days I really didn’t have much to say. And anyone who knows me knows I LOVE to talk. But Uh huh not lately. And when I did speak what I had to say was meaningful and to the point. Like “If you two don’t stop fighting right now I’m gonna put you both in time out then beat you”. Beat? Seriously !!! Yes!!! Holding ones mouth open for 2 frickin’ hours makes one very grumpy and very very very sore!
#4 You get sympathy and love. Bonus you also get to complain. Now granted I am loved everyday but it’s a special kind of “poor mommy show me your mouth again…oooohhh mommy that looks awful” kinda love and sympathy that well…you just won’t find in the everyday. Complaining? Some people are a natural and have it down to a science. Me I try to stay as upbeat as possible and not be a “high bringer downer” that often. But I have had every right to “tell my story” during this period of time. I have to say that I did feel bad after every telling…only because people are dying in other parts of the world. Hell around the corner I’m sure. This surgery is sucha mild something in the scheme of things. People got some real issues. And well that realization did cut my story short on numerous occasions.
#5 You get to wear silly hats- I love hats. I look good in them and I take my hat wearing quit seriously. Stylish is pretty much the order of the day in this regard. But when you have 2 young concerned “helpers” in the house to well “help” you feel better. Well please don’t underestimate the healing properties of a silly hat 🙂
Aaaahhh I’m feeling better all ready.
Here is week 1 of my 30 “Beautiful Mom Days”. Yes it’s Monday but I had to catch you up from the weekend.
My weekend retreat!! Aaah can’t a girl dream…:-)
This by the way was the “Best Weekend Ever”!!! I know I know…but my kids use that all the time and at first I poo hooed it until I realized how rockin’ it is. Basically the day could be crap but one thing goes their way and well… it hops right over into the “Best Ever” column. So quit a few things went my way this weekend so I’m dancing in the ‘Best-ie” spot. Go mama Go mama!!
So this is my take on great weekends. And you need at least 2 out of 4 of them. Ok 1 weekend a Month!! Jeez
Rule # 1 They need to follow a recipe… Rest… Relaxation… Fun!!! We go go go all week…on weekends “We need a break”. Or at least Mommy does.
I’ve explained it to the kids every since they were babies. “Mommy gets a little more sleep on the weekends” Whaaaa Whaaaa… No no you’re ok now go play. I’ll be with you in a little bit. I’d give them toys and books in their cribs and walk away. O.k so fine it didn’t always work so well. In the early days I maybe got 5 more minutes but I kept stretching it until now I get a whole hour or two of the them playing before mommy has to wake up!! Whooohooo!!
Sat morning – Me sleeping in a whole 2 hours! I write at night so I was up until 2am writing on my script ( i finished my first rough draft) whooohooo!! so I needed a little extra. Let’s not be crazy that’s basically me up at 8:30am I’m usually up during the week at 5:50am…Winning!!
Breakfast, talk, play with kids then set them down in front of tv (they can’t watch during the week)
I know what all the soccer moms are thinking “Hey I’m already on the Soccer field” Yep….uh no for me. No Karate or Dance or Baseball until 10am…I know it’s hard to find practices that adhere to that crazy rule of mine but there you have it. Remember 1 outa 4 ain’t bad.
Rule #2 Take turns- We learned this the Hard Way!! The hubby and I are such fans ( ok I am) of doing it all together but we learned if we do that all weekend long then we are both exhausted. So I learned to be ok with taking turns. This weekend he took the kids in the morning and I had them in the afternoon. Which I had to say was Awesome!! We went to a kid music festival at my Kids School!! Picture small kids dressed in glittery hair, ripped jeans, on keyboards bass and drums. Rocking out to “Aerosmith” Pure Hilarious Awesomeness!!
Sat night- Rule #3 Date Night – with the Hubby ! We have a pact. Date night is a MUST!! We need couple time to connect. We do it over good food,wine and surrounded by other adults. It’s basically Adult Play Date. Where an Adult remembers how to be a grown ass person. I love these nights. I become a “girlfriend” instead of a wife and I dress up for my guy. Well this week babysitter fell through 🙁 But that’s ok we put the kids to bed grabbed great take out and rendezvoused in the bedroom for food, great movie and well… oh get out 0f my bedroom 🙂
and I needed it cuz
…guess what… I got Gum Surgery today YEP…ugh!! Gotta go so I can put my big girl panties on!
Now how am I gonna make that “beautiful”?…
Beautiful- A quality that delights the senses especially sight, a High Standard, style grace, ease and symmetry.
Mommy- Loving, kind, hard work, lot’s of work, messes and cleaning and hugging and holding and endless nights…
Can these two be joined?
By nature I am a Seeker a Striver a Doer a Pusher. I pride myself in my warrior spirit in my never give up ness and my take no prisoners attitude. After all I am a Type A personality. Even my blood type points to the fact that I love physicality pushed up to the max. I do everything full out. Clean house (laundry done and folded into neat drawers included) , Happy Children (wrestling on the floor included) Loving Hubby ( head included) “I’m all heart Jerry”!!
That’s the nice version of my tireless striving for perfection…or let’s just call it what it is. I’m a kvetcher, a fidget fest a never done-er. A ….now that we have finished a b c and d where the hell is “E”!!!
This is the “super woman” plight of many a mommy that I have seen. This endless push to do more to do better to… do mo better.
I cycle through life with a feeling that I have to just keep doing, pushing striving. I feel through this doing that I can somehow “earn” my happiness.
But it has occured to me that not only is the “Pursuit of Happiness” making me annoyed it’s making me tired and well it’s making me frown and anyone who knows me knows I don’t like to frown. Cuz well they produce frown lines and that’s just not cute…
And I am All about Cute and Sexy and Elegant and Lovely and fields of Tulips. In the midst of the laundry and the spills and the tears and the fuss and the bills and the stress and the mess. Where oh where are my tulip fields?
I want it all!! But I want it with “Real Simple” style ease and Sophia Loren sexy grace. No grin and bear it. No – all the way to the end of the page with letters loped off. I wanna fit in the margins with room to spare. I want to have moments at the end of the day just to just lay on the floor and look up at the stars. Ok watch a funny movie. And contemplate the color of the Tuscan sky. Ok have time for foreplay not just the main show. And then softly ever so softly drift off to sleep…
Not fall face forward into bed or better yet drag my tired ass to the side and sit, then slump over exhausted. Fitful to the end with the endless “to do” list scrolling through my head.
So as a gift to myself for my birthday its in May!! I am going on a journey, for the next 30 days I’m on an adventure.
To find the flow and the ease and the giggle and the joy and the slide and the glide and the light and the beauty and elegance in all this doing-ness.
I shall journal as I journey…
As I find the Beautiful Mommy Life.
Follow me if you dare 🙂
Ok so I don’t think I’ve ever really posted about another persons site. Ok maybe once or twice….though that really is a great idea. Note to self…write about others more often. Yep I like it.
I stumbled upon this site and it looks Hilariously Amazing!! It has become “must read”… reading for my 7 yr. old daughter and myself. Yes yes I supervise don’t be silly. But it’s crazy cuz she totally gets the funny , the ironic, the frustrating and then funny again side of being a parent. I know she isn’t the intended audience but I thought that was an added bonus points :-)…if she likes it you’ll LOVE IT!!
I love that Amber totally conveys the nuance of what it truly is like to be an adult brain in a kid centric run house. How do we communicate with these invited alien invaders. What ensues is a getting to know each other, how to live in relative peace, and a conflict resolution/ Love story for the ages.
Ha!! Lovin it!!
Check it out and buy the book if you feel so inclined I’m giving one away FREE!!
Yep Gonna Buy one for me and one for you!!
How To Win!!
Leave a Reply on this page and on my FB page and you get 2 entries. Your reply can be a completely random thought running through your head….i love random. Only rule is it has to have one Whooohooo or one Kisses… That’s it! Winner is selected by my daughter on Tues April 2nd. Whooohooo!! Hey she wanted to be apart of the excitement!
What the world (of parenting) needs now is a big fat “giggle fest”. After all if we don’t laugh through it we become old and boring and well for one I don’t believe in either…
Where there was a Frickin Gala or Awards Show every 2 minutes since January. Award Lunches and Breakfast-ses and Tea’s and Brunches and Frickin Snacks….All Celebrating Fabulousness in all of it’s forms.
And if you missed that you could still catch…
The Shows showing highlights of What? Well of the Shows of course. Did you like her hair? What about her dress? Did you like the jewels…with the hair with the dress…with the face with the ring with the shoes with the toes…blah blah blah…
I wanna go!!
Cuz stupid it looks so fun and they look so fabulous and…
And ….well… I wanna be there. I wanna be apart of the In Crowd!!
Ahhhhh Hmmmm… Interesting.
Trixie and Logan and Lavender won’t let me play with them…says my 7yr old. Well what are they playing? I ask. “I don’t know” she says. Well how do you know that you want to play with them? “Everyone wants to play with them mom”. Why? “Just cuz they are great and I know they are having so much fun .”
Says who? I think. Says frickin who?
Isn’t it Amazing how we are so pre- occupied with what other people are doing and saying and being.
This conversation right here is one that has plagued us since our youth. Since playdates and pom poms. The idea that somewhere, someplace else they are happier and cuter and brighter and sunnier. And yes God help us they are having more fun.
This virus of thinking that there is an “In crowd” to be in… a trend to follow a name brand to wear. A” It” neighborhood or school or car or …the list literally goes on and on.
I stopped reading and watching and listening and I sat down and started to make a list.
A list of all the things that I still want to do and all of the things I still want to see and all of the things I still want to accomplish.
Then I wrote a list of all the things I have done and all the friends I have and all the things I am thankful for and all the places I have been.
A peace fell over my soul…A Grown Up been through some life Peace fell over me.
Those people at all the Gala’s are essentially following their Dreams. They worked crazy hard at their art and spent crazy hours and lots of sweat blood and tears to make their passion a reality. And for some reason this year it resonated with a lot of people.
A small miracle of sorts really.
That’s awesome!! Congratulations to them all in their super fine duds.
Now what about you? What are you about? What are you doing to live your dreams to express your gifts. To be your best self?
When I feel good about myself. When I know that there is no group to join no trend to follow. Then I am my authentic self. And when I am my authentic self I am at my most creative and my most attractive and most vital self.
I don’t hate I congratulate.
From that place what I buy and what I do and where I live and who I am friends with are not about being apart of anything.
But being My own awesome, terrific, talented, super cool, stylish self!!
Now that’s worth Celebrating!!
A Love Orgy!!
A Day put aside for Love…
Not for shootin, killin’, destroying….Not for police stake outs and stand offs…
“Nobody got no time for that!”
Today is about spreading the Love and sharing it.
I know I know they have advertised it…to the hilt!!
It cost a months salary and reservations made back in June.
But I’m not talking about Valentines Day….
I’m talkin about Love Day!
I’m talking about Love on your kids day. Tell your momma you appreciate her day. Dress up for your man day. Pick flowers for your wife day. Write a poem for your spouse day!
I’m talking about REAL LOVE!!!
Give a dollar to a homeless person today. Tell a teacher you think they are great today. Smile at a stranger today!
Get Butt Naked!
No voyeurs on this day. No cynics today… there is always tomorrow. But for today No excuses for not showing us a flash of skin….a slip of a thigh a accidental on purpose wardrobe malfunction. I want it All!
Look there is still time. Yep right now pull out a piece a paper fold it in half cut out a heart….put your name on it…along with the words “You Rock glad you are on the Planet”! Pick some flowers…side of the road will do. Get a bottle of sparkling water (pour out the water) Put flowers inside! You are ready for some random love.
Happy Love day to someone anyone!
Give Full Frontal Today People….!!!
What does the World need Now….!!!
Yep you got it!!
It is night and I am awakened by a sound. I lift my heavy head off of the pillow and listen again to be sure. Yep there it is again the sound of one of my children coughing. I look over at my sleeping husband he stirs ever so slightly. I think to wake him but decide against it. I gently rise from the bed. Stepping into my slippers and grabbing my wrap for warmth. The red dots of the clock reads 3:43am. This is not my first time up this night and who knows if it will be my last.
I search my foggy brain to remember what types of potions I administered last time I was awake. The kitchen looks like a lab of sorts. I open the fridge and pull out a onion and start to cut it. Next a lemon. My homeopathic remedy book is open on the counter worn from use. I put a kettle on the stove. I continue to hear her cough..my throat itches as well and my head is throbbing…poor baby I think to us both. I enter her room and turn the light on dim to see. There she is covers off hot with fever. Soothingly sounds escape my lips as I sit beside her putting my cool hand on her hot brow. Mommy she says I don’t feel so good. I gently set down the tray of goodies I have brought. All things that might help…some to heal, some to eleviate the pain some to calm her spirit. For a moment I feel a shiver of fear as I always do when one of my children are sick. It is a fear of the sick that you know and the sick that you don’t know. The symptoms that you are familiar with and the ones that can send you racing to the ER in the middle of the night.
After administering the medicine I press a cool towel to her head and stroke her back. Her ragged breathing slows and becomes even. I start to move but she moans for me to stay. Yes of course I will. I close my eyes and go into a meditative state. I can feel mothers everywhere doing the same as me. I always feel this connectedness with other mothers in the still of the night. We mothers we own the night.
One mother in particular. Far away I can feel her restless anguish. Her child is being held hostage tonight.
I know her child.
Tears escape my eyes as I hold her shoulders in my prayers. Head bowed low she grieves and fears for her child’s safety.
Moving away from her gently. My spirit lifts and carries me to her child. A young woman a beautiful spirit, a girlfriend of my brothers from years past. She is family. This is not to be comprehended.
At bedtime prayer I asked my kids to pray for her and send one of their angels to her side. “Why does she need one of our angels mommy”? “Because she is not well and she needs their healing strength.” “Ok they say” zoom zap “Our angels are there mommy”!
I see them now in my prayers as I enter the room she is being held.. They are powerful and strong they are standing vigil as she lies in a bed. I sit by her side draping her shoulders with my prayers. She is cold she says. I tell her to carefully identify which of her captures would most likely give her a blanket.
I sit with her.
As I sit with my child.
I think of a mothers love.
So big and so full that sometimes I must tear myself away from the feeling of it. Just as you must turn away from the intense rays of the sun.
It is the great dichotomy of sorts this mothering thing.
The suffocating need for your own space. Followed by the soul ache to be with them again. Followed by the enormity of the task of raising them. Followed by the daily mind numbing annoyance and aggravation that is the routine of teaching them. Followed by the laughter and the light that is them at their best. Followed by the swiftness of the days and the emptiness that is the space they leave as away they fly …into the world.
It is life on acid this mothering thing…it is a trip.
a soul deepening journey.
it is Amazing.
One child is better.
And then Finally…
The other child is Mercifully… Gratefully…Thankfully…
Oh the Enormity of the LOVE!
Ooooo what’s that smell my 5 year old asks as he tumbles into the back seat of our rental “cuz our car’s in the shop” car. I take a big sniff myself and smile. Oh I tell him that’s the smell of a brand new car. Hmmm he says inhaling again as he buckles himself in. “I like that smell, it smells good”. Now this is coming from a kid who is slightly obsessed with all things new. When he receives a new toy he carries it around in the packaging for a few days. And just when he can’t stand it anymore…he carefully pries it free. But not willing to go all the way. He then carries around the toy with the packaging. Is it to assure himself that it is indeed “still new”? One step further and he plays with said toy… very carefully. Careful less it gets a scratch or goodness forbid bent. But alas how much fun can be had in all this careful play? Not a lot. So with inner urgings full to bursting he finally let’s go and let’s it ripppp
… Zipping and Zooming through the day.
I love love this phase because it is only with this type of abandon this type of freedom that you can really see what this toy can do!! Watching him get past the superficial into the real is priceless.
I go on to tell him that there are even sprays for you to re-create that “new car smell” in your old car. Hmmm he says as he mulls that over. Not sure if he thinks that’s any good or not. Finally he declares “yeah mommy that’s great I loved my old jet with the blue tail wing do you remember it mommy” Yes I say. Remembering what a fit he had when the wing had fallen off after a fateful air battle with a friend. Well he says “I wanted a new one but really If you could just spray that spray on it then it would be New again and then you wouldn’t have to buy me a new one.” “Wouldn’t that be great mommy”? I’m realizing he’s decided to have amnesia over the fact that I have not promised to buy him another one at all. But hey that’s besides the point. Yes I agree that would be great.
All of this reminded me about all of the hype over the “New Year”. Some people love the idea of becoming resolute once more. A fresh start, a blank page, a new beginning. Others become anxious and annoyed over the prospect. Resolutions and goals? Seriously it’s just the day after the 31st no more no less. Plus, why set all those goals again only to break them. Aren’t I just setting myself up to fail? The failing is just too much to take. They feel the need to be “careful” with all this newness.
I noticed that as I approached the new year I had become one of the later. I was nervous and downright scared of the prospect of a whole new year a blank canvas presenting itself again. This came as a surprise to me…scared? Why was I scared? I had always been apart of the New Year cheerleading squad. I loved to hit the ground running in the New Year . Starting off with a mind bending cleanse. Where for the good of my internal organs…I wanted to eat sand… I was so hungry. Then I’d do triple meditation. Where I was really only thinking about how good sand would taste right now. Top that off with a rigorous new work out and an unrelenting work list and well I was good to go! Straight into a Hell of My own Making that Is!! I was burnt out by March, with 9 more months of making it happen… to go.
The prospect of this repetition was making me paralyzed as the countdown ticked away. Each day was like a slow motion ball drop in Time Square, minus Dick Clark and The Black Eyed Peas! Aaaaahhh I was falling fast. And it was ruining my celebration. This just wouldn’t do.
Oh if only I had a can of “New Again” spray. I would spray a good dose on all life situations that had become stale, tarnished or just plain ole broken. One good spray could render me “Brand New Again” no rememberence of old heart ache grief and sadness over life not going right. Or at least according to me!
Sadly I went into my meditation on the 29th. Trying to work up the energy to do what I must.
When all of a sudden it happened. I saw in a instant through the chaotic fog of my mind the “Easy” button sold at Staples. You know the one it’s red and round and you push it… and well nothing happens except you remind yourself to take it easy.
Seriously that guy must have made millions on a thing that doesn’t even require batteries.
But it works!
In the pea soup of my soul I pushed with all of my might the “EASY” button.
And immediately I relaxed.
I opened up and re- focused my Inner Eye, to a Life and a Year that I’d never seen before. Seen through eyes that don’t take into account all of the pasts grievencess and perceived failings and missed opportunities of the years before. They are after all her-story.
All of this opened me up to the “Brand New-ness of life”
I was Re-charged, Fear-free and Brand New!
I breazed through a Juice cleanse and lively meditations. Incorporated healing Yoga and nature enriching hikes. I lost pounds and baggage and It all felt so free and easy!
With batteries charged I was ready to enter my New Year.
Ready to let go and play free. Not afraid of the bumps and bruises that are sure to come in a life well lived. But willing to go full out and even when I fall to pick myself up dust off and start … Anew…not just Again!
New car smell and All!!
It’s hot and my energy is low and I’m feeling around for the plug to plug in my phone. My hands search for the place that it should but I’m not finding it. So then I go on a true search as my anger mounts. Usually this is not such a big deal. It’s all in the day of being a mommy. The kids have probably taken the plug to plug in their various games and toys and have left it somewhere among their stuff .
But right now the locust are upon me and my ” things don’t bother me pile” is over flowing into the “don’t fu&*$ with me basket”!
Straw meet camel.
Did I mention that I’m also plagued with the inability to see. I’m not talking about the I wear contacts and glasses kind of I can’t see and ( yes I wear those too). I’m talkin bout even with said contacts in -or glasses – on I see thru a glass smeared in vasaline…I’m in a Kandisky painting and it’s not one of the pretty ones.
But this inability to see is totally trumped by the fact that they are also running and blood shot. It’s official.
I am a Hot Mess!
After a trip to the eye doctor I come home with a wad of prescriptions and a totally unsatisfactory name for what is plaguing me. “Dry Eye”. What the Hell? I need a name like one of the ones they use for all of the 101 new drugs they want us to “Ask our Doctor about” . You know a hip cool concern inducing name like Eyeretoniosis! Yeah that feels about right hard to pronounce and you definitely feel a get well card might be waranted.
But dry eye does nothing to express the misery I feel as I shield my eyes from the slightest of light and skulk around in dark sunglasses like someone out of Twilight.
“Come out side to play mommy?”
Sorry kids I can’t… I have dry eye.
This along with just enough energy to get me through the morning …has me feeling down right concerned.
What is happening to me?
I google the symptoms.
I don’t recommend this!
According to them I need a Will and great insurance.
I go to the Doctors not the dry eye one the other one. And they take blood…seems like lots of it! I remind them that my energy is low…maybe I can’t spare that much blood. They smile and keep drawing.
Another unsatisfactory report.
According to your blood work you are fine…as far as I can see. Is he looking at me the “the hot mess”?
He asks…”Are you under a lot of stress”?
I arrive home with nothing… no news worthy of the “situation” that is me.
My husband takes my hand as I walk in the door rambling on.
“Sit down” he says as he hands me a glass of water.
I sit and talk.
I drink and talk.
“Lie down” he says.
I lie down talking.
Close your eyes.
I close my eyes as I continue to speak of my plight.
I become quiet.
Now he says “rest yourself”.
A completely foreign Idea.
He strokes my head as he speaks of me in foreign terms…
“You are Perfection…Magical and Amazing. Your strength is dazzling and your beauty is divine… Your creativity blows me away….
“I am humbled by your vision of life and our future”
I quietly listen.
I allow the words to cover me like a cool compress to the head. To relieve the raging heat of the “gotta get stuff done- ers” To quiet the riot that is me…missing my mark!
I see myself “clearly” through my Beloveds Eyes!
And I am Perfect and Luminous because I am Loved!
All 5’4 and quarter inches of the Mess that I am…right now.
And in that moment I know I will be fine no matter what google says.
I Know that this Love this kind of being Loved!
Will make me well again…
A tear falls…
Something in me uncoils…
I relax as I slip into healing sleep!
Aaaahhhh the power of Love!!
I stumble bleary eyed into the kids room after a night of back and forth get up. You know the scene. A little bit of this a little bit of that going on with the munchkins have led to night of oh so not enough sleep for all. Ugh.
It is 6:55 am and we face off in their bedroom where they lay draped over their beds dripping with unwillingness to start the day. Yes we are all in the same boat. The boat called tired. But from my perspective…they have put me in this boat and I let them know just that. My son looks at me in between a pause and says “where is daddy? Huh? “I wish daddy could take us to school” What? “Daddy came in our room last night and he didn’t say anything he didn’t yell at us.” Oh Really!! “You came in and yelled and I wish he could take us to school!” He said this mind you with a blanket firmly clenched in his small hands and a sippy cup half to his lips. He’s 4 yrs old.
What the Hell!!!!…. I’m thinking!
But before I launch into the speech of in case you haven’t noticed son you got yo self a Black Mama and yo days are looooong on this earth to hear just what I gotta to say and I have every right in this world to say em’ until the heavens come pouring down….
Before I launch into that speech handed down to me from my momma and her momma and her momma before that. I pause and I look into his little face and I clamp my mouth shut!
My brain flew to days before as I “fussed” them all the way to school because of a missing homework folder. The up set-ness of the whole car. The delivering of my child on the verge tears to her line. The reluctant cuddle to let her know all was not lost and that I still did love her. The look in her eyes as I gave a chin up stye wave good bye. The pit in my stomach all day as I tried to picture if she had recovered and was able to move on and enjoy her day.
So now in this moment I clamp my mouth shut and I think.
My goal is to be effective in their lives. I want to be listened to because I am here to guide them to becoming responsible , kind, intelligent human beings.
So is my method of communication effective? Is my message getting through …through all the fussing?
I have been married 10 bliss-ful, happy-ful, yummy-full years to my Awesome hubby largely due to the fact that I have learned to Shut the Hell Up!!!
Yep I said it!!
Both of us having the ability to “not” say every criticism, annoyance, observation and evaluation of the other all frickin day is key.
Now for all of those who know me. They know I love me some words..and a sentence and a phrase and a speech.
OOooohhhh I LOVE to talk!!! And I am a woman so I love to “explain” further.
It is my life’s song to communicate. To vulcan mind meld “verbally” my take on life my “insights” my opinions. And the more in depth the conversation takes us the more ecstasy I feel.
But in the areas of clearing a path to marital bliss my hard won lesson is ….LESS IS Oh So So Much MORE! Especially when you’re talkin bout For-Ever with someone!
I try not nag…harangue …harp or slay my beloved with my words. I have learned very painfully I might add…that words spoken out of immediate frustration and anger most definitely fall on death ears and it leaves both of us fleeing to our corners guarding our positions. Coming out only to defend our choices. Then quickly retreating to lick our wounds.
thought it was completely un thoughtful and reprehensible to leave all of the dishes in the sink and the kitchen a Hot Mess for me to come home to after a much needed girls night out. Don’t I after all always do the dishes and cook and clean and do ever darn thing… and make sure that you come home to a clean house!!!!
Was getting to the dishes and felt it perfectly fine to leave them while he played cuddled and read to the kids and hung out on the couch with them watching t.v. and eating pizza. After all he was getting to them later. And by the frickin way I don’t demand that you “woman” must have the house clean for me “man” when I come home. And while we are at it…I doooo LOTS of things to Help!!!
was livid in indignation.
Was pissed wrapped in his good intentions.
Was this effective…communication?
Were all the dishes in the sink worth the days it took to calm the storm and soften our gaze again.
I had to decide.
I decided to instate the 24 hour rule. If I’m still mad in 24hours …ok sometimes I go to 48hours. If I’m still mad I address it. If not I watch and wait. To see if he comes off the couch and gets to the dishes …ahh yes finally at midnight. Yes it was a eye sore until then… but really what was the harm? Now there are times of course that I slip up and let the crazy “Black Mama” rant take over and yell to my hearts content. I am after all human. But I am careful to not let it become an everyday indulgence because daily ingesting will make us all sick.
Instead I have learned to text, write and email my dissatisfaction. Yes write, write, write them out to my hearts content. With the time to look them over edit and then push send.
I call this kind of communication “Meaning with out Tone” You get a chance to really “hear” what I’m saying without letting the tone in which i’m saying it in get in the way.
Now I have to report this method is not completely fool proof but 98% of the time it is amazingly effective in getting your thought out point across.
I had learned to Shut Up and Say Something.
So as my son looked at me with those battle weary eyes. I clamped my mouth shut and decided to be effective.
In the weeks that have followed he has found himself in the “corner” 3 times as much as before. I have little to say and so much to Do.
My litany of words are calm, quiet and short. Please pick up your room. If upon return said room is not picked up…please go to the corner!
Yes they have been caught by surprise by this new mommy.
But I am happy to report it is very very effective. 🙂
And this way of being has spread out to my everyday life as I speak and listen to others. Those who say something and those who just have a Lot to frickin say. I notice those who use words to deflect or distort. Who uses them to hurt or taunt. And who uses them to heal, connect and uplift.
From the work force to politics to art!
It is truly amazing to watch words thoughtfully strung together. How they can direct a company, inspire a nation and deepen our meaning of life and the word around us!!
To Watch People not just Talk but….
Really Say Something!!
I’m all ears
“We are all one”. Says the soothing voice of my yoga teacher while sitar music plays encouragingly in the background. Yes yes we are all one I chant in my mind as I breathe in deeply… or as deeply as I can in down dog.
“Feel your oneness with your breath and your body and the floor beneath you”. Ok Yep I’m feeling totally at “one” with my body my toes in particular (new pedicure so cute). Oh and my mat. I like my mat cute print on it. I’m with this…cool. ” Ok now go outside of yourself feel one with the trees with the animals and nature” Hmmmm Stretch stretch…face scrunches a little in concentration as I pull up into warrior one. Oh… ok I’m following. Uh huh Yes I’m totally there. I am “one” with the pretty roses that sprawl out over the fence in my front yard l (love those roses, planted them myself). And I’m one with Roscoe and Leroy our squirrels that live in the trees in the back. I chuckle in tree pose as I see myself hanging out in squirrel land! All ONE with the squirrels eating nuts, chatting about squirrel stuff. This is so cool.
“Ok now come back into the room…feel the oneness with your fellow yogi’s in the room. ” Hmmmm my mind stalls a bit in confusion as I push up into shatarunga. I’m trying to remember who is exactly in the room with me with out looking around. I open one eye and quickly scan. Cute guy one row up and to my left…yep I can be One with him alright nice. “Now Feel yourself becoming one breathe with the person next to you.” Uhhh ok as I move into tree pose. She’s alright she moved her mat to make room for me when I entered .” Ok deep breath”. ” Now become one with the person on the other side of you”.
Ok… No. Full Stop!
Not that lady. My mind pushes back. That lady never looks at me no matter how long we’ve been in the same class together. I’m not feeling “one” with her at all. And she’s always saving a space for her yoga friends. Which is So Very Un Yogi like… I mean really. A posse in Yoga class Please!!!
Yep. I fall right out of Tree pose.
From abstract heaven… to real petty junk in 5 min flat.
Sitar music still playing …I pick myself up and try to re enter the pose.
But now it’s totally alluding me.
My balance is off.
I lie down and decide to wait it out in childs pose.
And that’s pretty much exactly how I feel… like a child.
A child who still needs to be accepted on the play yard. Needs to fit in, be liked, feel supported .
Wow it really never ends.
Or does it?
We are all ONE still rings in the back of my head, nudging me forward.
I see myself in line at the grocery store, at the bank at my kids school. I see not just strangers but recognizable faces of my familiar life routines.
Am I being One with folk?
Most of the time I walk with an open smile a greeting of sorts to those who cross my path. A way of saying ” I see you”. Most of the time I try to practice village awareness 🙂 But on the occasions that I am cut off in traffic or someone doesn’t want to wait their turn in line or I get a blank stare for my open smile. I can’t lie I feel less then “one”…in fact I feel rebuffed and like an outsider.
The opposite of “one-ness”
Last week a mom friend died and a work collegue of my husbands. Both in the same week. It was shocking and unsettling. The level of how much I “Knew” them played heavy in my mind as I felt my heart fill with grief. Grief for their families and sadness for the loss. I kept telling myself to get it together. I mean really how well did you “Know” them. But as the sadness persisted I gave myself permission to grieve their passing. Because they were apart of the Village and it’s called compassion and ultimately we are all One!
And as I sat in the funeral and listened to those who knew her well speak of her. I realized how many lives one person touches and how important it is to be a good Villager. I realized I knew her quit “well enough”. Nothing they said seemed a far stretch from what I had experienced of her.
And I realized we are truly One.
And I wept as I beheld her children and her husband and her family. Now having to grasp a reality of life with out her.
I wept for I knew what it was like to be all those things.
A wife a mother a daughter a friend.
And I realized that shared human experience is all that we need to relate to one another.
We are One!
And it became a chant that now lives in my soul with a little sitar music playing underneath.
We are One!
No matter the skin color or religion or country of origin. We are sharing this planet together.
And the more we realize that in our day to day lives the more we will look out one for another. The more we will smile and greet each other. The more we will be tolerant of each others beliefs and practices. The more we will respect each others different point of views. And reach for peaceful solutions when there is conflict.
Knowing that even though we all look out different windows…
We all see the same big sky!
Exercise you say!
I know. But I’ve always had this crazy notion that if I left myself a choice who’s to say that instead of running 3 laps I’d only run 2 or gasp…just 1.
Really. What’s to stop me from walking right off the track and jumping into my car 1 1/2 laps in?
You know how it goes. Somewhere around the first time around. I would hear the whisper of a conversation starting in my head.
You know you’ve done enough right?
Yeah…you know half of the people in the world never even got outa bed this morning. So big ups to you!
I smile huffing away.
So you are already a champ. Yep totally way ahead of the game.
Look at you…you sporty sexy running thing.
Your thighs don’t even look so chunky from this angle.
Yep… Way to go!
And I hate to be a nag but..we have so much to do today.
Huff huff puff puff. Trying to ignore.
Ok I know you started off saying you wanted to do 3 laps today put really…you’ve done enough.
See look you’re out of breath. Don’t you feel tired? Don’t you feel “worked” out?
Yeah I kinda do.
Well stop trying to show off. Plus there is always tomorrow.
Well you’ve got a point.
Yeah we’ll work harder tomorrow.
Yes. So …just stop. It’s ok. Besides I won’t tell if you don’t!
I was so deathly afraid of this scenario that I used to play mind games to fake myself out when I needed to push myself further. I’d say “let’s just run up to the store then you can walk back.
Knowing darn well the “store” was 2 miles away and I’ll be damed if I didn’t run all the way back too.
Because …Once out there I would be past the point of no return.
Past the point of giving up.
Past the point of fizzling out. Beyond willpowers fleeting grasp.
Hey I had to get home somehow.
So there it was …another mile gained another mental weight pumped.
I’ve found this theory works for me in other areas of my life as well. Especially in places where desire and willpower just can’t quit ……..g e t t o g e t h e r.
You know the shit you don’t wanna do
Such as losing weight or starting a business or cleaning your closets or having a yard sale, or writing your book or building your website…or starting a blog!!!
Well I think if you just put yourself out on a limb. Push just a a little further than what’s comfortable.
Like if you.
Tell Somebody, or sign up for a class or join a group!!!!
You may find that more often than not you rise to the occasion.
Meeting your “words” on the road to your goal!
Plus you know if you renege.
You will have to listen to people ask.
“Didn’t you SAY you were gonna start a business, lose some weight,write a book, build a website or start a blog?!!!!!
And well that’s so annoying….
You get your ass in gear. And get that shit Done!
So look for you own personal “points of no return.”
You will be glad you did.
And so will the people reading …
Ok so I’m not sure if you know it or not but there are 5 types of folk living in your world.
I stumbled upon this “fact” recently when I was really busy and needed to get a million things done. You know those times…right? Really busy only got two hands only 24 hours in a day … kinda busy.
Well so in the process of enlisting help from my “folk” I started to make a random list and once the list got going it developed into the theory I’m gonna share with you now.
There are 5 kinds of folk… I know I said this already but well I like the way it sounds.
1st Folk- Your Supporters- These are the “there’s gold in dem there hills” Folk. Rare oh so rare and always there when you need them. Yes they just happen to have an extra ticket you can use. Yes they can meet you at the drop off location. Yes they can watch your kids for an hour. And yes they will come to your 10th consecutive Tupperware party and probably bring a dish. Cuz why? They just down for You like that!!! These folk are to be treated with love and respect. Please oh please don’t make the mistake of doing the kindness weakness switcha- rooey…. Cuz once gone. Well God help you…cuz now they probably won’t.
2nd Folk- Mutual Supporters- They are almost as good as full out supporters but with a bit of a catch. They are the ” I got you next folk” You know- you pay for dinner this time. You take their shift this time. You show up at their performance this time… and well they “got next.” No questions asked and they always remember when it’s their go. These are good folk but just know not to miss your “go” . Ok maybe you can miss once. But be careful cuz it could result in game off if you ditched them in a tight spot. There is Love here but come on you know how the game is played!
3rd Folk- Yeah Uh Huh.. folk. Now these are the trickiest folk to figure of the bunch. You ask them to sub for you at the meeting with your boss. They say …Yeah Uh Huh. Now 7 times out of 10 there is a solid Yes in there and you can depend on them. But for a full solid 4 times they flake. Not intentional mind you or at least it can’t be proven. They just forgot or something comes up or they overslept or they didn’t get your text or their phone deleted your message or the dog ate your email… Well the list goes on. They are not the ones to ask if you gotta gotta gotta get it there on time FedEx style. But hell you like them and they are funny as hell and great company. So you keep putting your hand in the cookie jar hoping you pull out a cookie and not a nub. Keep the party going at your own risk.
4th- Cool Let me Check Folk- These are your basic No but I just don’t wanna say it right now folk. Mixed in with damn why are you asking me anyway! I need someone to volunteer for the school auction booth you ask…”Cool let me check” Then silence. No get back no follow up email no text just silence and ditching and diving. These folk are just hoping not to run into you ever again until the event is over. It’s not personal it’s just them. Get it… got it… good!
5th Folk- You know it’s all good Folk. Now these are your own personal Frenomies- Uh what I mean to say is Haters. For these folk you need to put on your super spy glasses identify immediately and get rid of. These are the Folk ya Mama warned you about. They get you jumped, in a jam and fired…accidentally on purpose. Identify, catalog and get rid of immediately. Cuz they don’t like you!!! and most likely they want what you got. Which is why sometimes they are your supporters some times they got your next and sometimes they remember your text. But it is such a crazy crap shoot it leaves your head spinning. They like you the most when you are down and out. Cuz miserable people like them love to have someone to pet. Now it you are really unsure here is a great litmus test. Make up some really great news and tell them on the spur of the moment …if they say “Fuck you bitch what!..oh girl you know I’m just playing it’s all good you know I’m so happy for you” ding ding ding. You got one. Identified, noted terminated.
So there it is.
Thought you’d wanna know.
I could be wrong but I doubt it!
Well after reading my inbox from health and nutrition guru Kimberly Snyder. Where she pretty much gave the stats for why all the wonderful dishes I was now eating were so very bad for me. I put down my fork with a clink and I…
A long world weary sigh.
And I promptly put another beautifully photographed, delicious looking…now obviously ” size 18, disease and early death ridden”, cookbook on the shelf.
I sighed and sat knowing I was officially in a Dante’s inferno – of Food Hell.
Multi layered, circle after circle of frying, baking grilling, and dehydrating. I was wandering about with out a home or a food resting place to call my own.
And I was Exhausted…
What can I EAT????!!!!!
Without guilt. Without side effects. Without repercussions of the waist and thigh!
I felt like I had splintered off into 4 different personalities. All of which had their very own eating style and menu.
Please let me introduce you to the “Ladies”!
First there is Dahn the original. Born and raised in the South. Chicken and Grits anyone.
Ava who is a foodie. She feels food is to be savored and enjoyed. What a concept.
Then there are Sasha & Serena the twins. Faternal I might add. What a nagging annoyance these two are. One is organic and the other Carb free.
This foursome was more than even Hugh Hefner could satisfy.
I started off with Dahn a cute little girl from the south whose grandmother cooked by touch and taste. I don’t even know if she owned a measuring cup. Coming into her warm aromatic kitchen there was always something smothered. A melted symphony of Mac n Cheese and some fresh biscuits rising to meet you, right out of the oven.
All vegetables were what we call in the South….”cooked down”. Meaning they had no remembrance of their original state and there was probably some meat up in there like a good ole piece of ham-hock.
If you don’t know…don’t ask.
Comfort food they call it and rightly named. Great food, warmth and wisdom permeated from my Grandmothers kitchen and her dishes. I miss her soo!!
But alas I grew up. Went to college then to Europe and came back with a new BFF Ava.
Aaaah beautiful cultured Ava. With her smoked salmon and grilled artichoke hearts and fresh baguettes with olive oil and sea salt. She was my girl all over New York City. A whole new world had opened up. A world that did not include value meals and casserole dishes. Instead there were plates of delectable happiness. Food that had strange names and came from places I only dreamed of going. What a delight! . Ava and I were all high heels and short skirts. And skirt steaks if we could afford them. Who knew sea bass was so amazing and grouper was a fish…not a coupon. It was the life.
Then we packed up and moved to California!
Aaaahhhh We were so excited!!! Fun, sun and canyons. Hiking biking and brunching.
It was all so much fun until we met them! The twins that is Sasha and Serena. They were so welcoming and “kind” at first. They just wanted to give you a little information that’s all. But then we realized they were only interested in converts. Drink the juice, put down the bread and you will be free.
What a bunch of organic broccoli lightly steamed with a side of Nuttin’ these two were.
They were the gate keepers to my own food purgatory.
They hounded Dahn and Ava with such feverish verve that the only thing we can do to shake them is hike, cleanse and drink kale juice and lemon water.
Luckily I stumbled upon Cleo my new BFF while I was out taking a hike in a lemon water haize.
Cleo was so kind and gentle from the start that I knew we had the makings of a beautiful friendship. She knows what I have been through and she is so patient with me.
She is teaching me all about balance.
She whispers it ever so gently in my ear as we browse the Farmers Market seeing the bounty of the latest harvest. She has taught me what it means to eat food in season and at their peak of perfection. So that a peach will make you sing and a fresh willowy thin asparagus will make you dance. Where a carb is to be understood and not feared and organic and cruelty free meats and fish are the order of the day. And that even brioche french toast and a chocolate chip cookies have a place in our lives… sometimes.
She has such a winning personality that even Ava, Sasha and Serena have been calm and cordial to her. Sometimes I even catch them laughing and teasing one another about the good ole days.
I now know that the only way to food heaven is by doing what feels right for my body. And that optimal health and happiness are the ultimate nutrition guides.
So as I crunch on my kale salad and then bite into my fresh baked peach and blueberry crisp a la mode’.
I savor the taste of peace at last!
Ok so you’re not standing in the street with signs to heal the bay or going door to door passing out flyers for your favorite candidate. Or volunteering at a Pet Sanctuary Once a week or Occupying Wall street or Wal-Mart or Wally ( i don’t know what that is… it just had a W)
Cool no problem!! We all can’t be the ones throwing the paint and marching in the street and taking iphone pictures for the whole world to see.
But for the uninitiated here are a few 101 guidelines for basic citizenship!
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Treating people disrespectfully cuz of race, culture, creed, religion or sexual orientation. Is so Last Century!
There is a whole lotta garbage out there!!! I mean real garbage. Floating around on islands and sitting in landfills. Just fillin up the land under there i guess…somewhere.
Your part- re-cycle re-use – Big Blue Can – dump your paper plastic in it! Find another use for that thinga majjiga you bought.
There seems to be from time to time a shortage of water. I’ve even heard…gasp some people don’t even have any clean water.
Your part- Turn off when not using. Like kinda once the water has heated no need to make a sauna out of the bathroom before showering.
I’ve also heard somewhere not sure where. That there is a WHOLE LOTTA Plastic Bags. And that for some silly reason they don’t sink into the ground and become one with nature.
Your part- Use the cute reusable ones you can buy for a $1 at the store then bring it in with ya for all your shopping needs!
And last but not least I’ve heard somewhere that people were not happy about Government and laws and schools and taxes and term limits and immigration and poverty and Social Security and gas prices and wars and equal pay and….
For Goodness Sake…
Yeah I said it!
Todays topic Speak up Smile Up!!!
Stop being so Afraid to talk to “strangers” A kind word a smile to the Parent next to you in line…as you walk your child into the same school, for a whole year…. never did anyone any harm!!
Same goes to the person next to you in your work out class or the person who you always seem to see at the grocery store, yogurt shop, bank line, post office!!
We are all in this together the days of being so very painfully shy have an expiration date and well YOU ARE PASSED IT!
Speak Up Smile Up!!!
“Yeah I Said it!!
So I have been spending more time than I would care to lately caught up in the muck of the everyday. The rush of growing a business, nurturing children, loving a husband, keeping a house and all that it entails.
The have – To Do’s, the Lists, the commitments, THE CLEANING!
So much so that I was really having a hard time focusing. What should I do now and what could I leave for later. What truly has to be done first thing in the morning what has to be completed before going to bed? Volunteering, Bake Sales tweeting, twitting and blogging. Yikes!
I literally felt like a rubber band that was being pulled and pulled. Instinctively you put your hands over your eyes not wanting to see the inevitable snap back. The sting and the ouch of what is sure to follow such a
S T R E T C H…
But then something happened.
I took a nap.
A how could you in the middle of the day with so much to do nap.
And during that time I released the tension of the day …and the lists and the to do’s and became one big resting “I AM”
“I AM” I had recently received a tattoo of the mantra that plays in my head every night before sleep. I always say ” I am that I am” repeated until I fall off into slumber. I never knew exactly why I chose this verse of the bible but it just always felt right and I would find myself doing it night after night.
But when Jennifer Pastiloff a awesome Yogi teacher and friend. http://manifestationyoga.com/ gave me the tattoo I was struck by the stubby shortness of the mantra I had been saying.
It begged to be finished and given life to and embellished and breathed into.
Or just left to float in it’s total completeness.
What “AM I” Creating… Manifesting? What is my Vision?
I sat up and wrote the list. No it wasn’t the first time I wrote my list but it was the right now in this moment list. I updated my vision board thanks Elise Ballard you rock.
Then I asked myself are the items on my ‘to do” list serving this vision? If not how can the pesky peskers be promptly removed so that they no longer buzz around my ears.
And if they are apart of my vision how can they be done with such grace and ease that they feel as if no effort is being expended at all…
I opened my eyes alert…ready…relaxed…expectant!
“Being” never tasted so good.
I Love the Magical Month of May. Around every bend in the road there are yummy surprises for me. My birthday My anniversary and Then The Beloved Mothers Day!!
Oh what tired fun that day brings…
The homemade gifts of what exactly is that?….Oh right thank you so much it is exactly what I wanted. The cards made out of things sticky and glittery. The almost burnt food and the hand picked wilting flowers. All of them I smell, touch, taste and gather they are my special treasure.
But my Absolute favorite, favorite part is the very first thing in the morning. The bright wide eyes that greet me. They peer at me underneath their beloved gifts that their outstretched hands now offer up to me. They have been WAITING to give them to me for hours and oh so many days.
These eyes stare unblinking wanting to take in every moment of my oooohs and aaaahhs. There to spot the smallest misting of what might be a tear.
So proud of what they have done. So Assured of it’s acceptance.
And as the tears did drop and my ooohs and aaaahs were uttered… so very real in the moment.
I was stuck by a new thought!
I wondered when was the last time I looked like that. So proud in my offering… so sure of it’s approval!
Was I in 4th grade or 5th or hopefully even later.
When did the criticism outpace the gift.
When did the not good enough-s and the second guess-ers come to visit and then take up resident in my head? When did I begin exploring new ideas in the privacy of my own heart and mind but become un-willing to take them out to play?
I have worked so hard to cultivate a knowingness that I am good enough and that what I have to offer is good and even on occasion great.
But rarely do I catch a glimpse of that bright eyed girl that I know I must have been. So ready to take a chance at every turn on something new and silly, fun and adventurous…oh come what may!
So now I take every effort to coax her out into the open to let her raise her eyes and hands to the world to Gift her pride and Joy her “Works of Art” her life.
Unafraid of the criticism or lack of appreciation because she knows.
That what comes from her is oh so Yummy Sweet and Good Good Good….
A moment that comes out of sadness that turned into being downright mad, then sad then mad again!
Whitney Houston. 48 yrs old dead. Michael Jackson 50 yrs old dead.
Amy Winehouse 27yrs old dead. (Please know the list goes on and on)
If you thought any of these people were old you can stop reading now…
If you thought they were happy you can stop reading….
I at first thought they died due to drugs, alcohol, and over medication. Like so many I waited for the coroners report.
But upon further inspection… well it seems to me they died of Complications due to a Broken Heart.
Not thinking you are loved….breaks your heart.
Not thinking you are good enough, talented enough, pretty enough, thin enough, rich enough, That Being YOU is just Not Enough.. breaks your heart.
If you think that money or fame or a house or a child or a man or a woman or a fancy car or a fancy life or fancy friends will make you happy…
Please start at the beginning and read again….
Thinking this will break your heart!
Breaking ones heart is the leading cause of death.
It causes you to OVER Eat, OVER Drink. OVER Medicate, Do Drugs, Be Depressed, Be Lost, Be Sad and Live a Lonely Desperate Existence Until YOU DIE!
And the Coroner will look for your cause of Death.
Here Comes the Plea.
Please No Matter Where You Find Yourself Today.
Whether your career is where you want it today.
Whether you have the amount of money you want. Or the man you want, or the child you want . Or the relatives you want. Or the school or job or friends you want. Or the car or house or clothes or bags or shoes you want…well you can see where I am going with this.
Please decide today that you are Amazing!
That by just being here You Are Worth it and Loved and Worthy…And that your whole life is ahead of you.
I repeat …”That Your Whole Life Is Ahead of You”.
Decide to be Kind to your self to be Loving To You!
I always love when flying when the stewardess announces that you first must put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping those around you.
Please don’t let them recount how loving and kind and giving and sweet you were to others and here you are Dead. Not having been all those things to yourself.
If you don’t do this.
If you don’t start today being happy and thankful and joyful and kind and loving and giving Right Now, Right Where You Are…Right Now!
Before you GET All those things…that you WANT!
Well it is just a matter of time before you are sitting in the House of Your Dreams with a Fancy Car outside and a Husband or Wife and kids and diplomas on the wall, with shoes and bags and clothes galore.
Sad and lost and Unhappy and well… STILL YOU!
Wondering What the Heck Happened….
And Well that Will Break Your Heart!
Loving someone comes in so many forms. Blind love. Forbidden love. Crazy, mad, love. Blind, forbidden crazy, mad, Love…whew!!
There is love sometimes so intense that being together makes you weep and cry, and so does being apart. You know the can’t live with’em and can’t live with out them love. The yeah we love each other but we need some time apart phase of love.
And then there is how I am feeling right now.
My hubby is away and I miss him terribly, achingly, deeply.
We truly are one of those couples who come alive in each others presence. I find him fun and funny and well I think I do my part. He is equal parts sexy and silly and I can’t get enough of either. We each make the other want to be our best selves. And that is a gift that keeps on giving to our 15year union.
But today as I got off the phone with him laughing ( for the 3rd time). I mean I finally just had to take a shower.
I looked outside and saw our freshly cut grass and watched a bee dance among the roses and well my whole being just welled up with a feeling. And I realized it was happiness.
I thought wow I miss him but I am fine. I am fine and even more I feel Happy!
And I felt the ooo ooo yummy-ness of just the right amount of salty, sweet.
The ache and the Joy.
Love done just right!
Excercise…water…work…food…clothes…cleaning…laundry! So much to do and it feels like so little time.
For me Routines save my day!
It starts with me getting up and moving by 6:35am… 2 snooze button pushes will send us all in a tail spin so I set the alarm for 6:20am in order to “get my mind” right. Because no matter what 6:35am has to find me awake. Next make the bed (yes always first unless the hubby is in it) Move to kitchen. Two glasses of water with lemon for me. Yes it gets everything moving (inside that is). Juice and water for kids on counter before i head to room to pray and meditate. I call it my Miracle 15. 15 minutes to breathe, focus and set my intention for the day. 7:05 am i am in the kitchen.
I know it sounds odd but I literally have a order in which I assemble my kids lunches and snacks. It’s a dance in my kitchen one constructed by me to do more and think less. Especially with time constraints. Two sippy cups down ice water in both set aside. Spin reach grab 2 book bags set them in a row grab afternoon snacks first then kick ball change. It goes like this every morning. And Lord help the morning …like today when my daughter is in tears because it is raining and she can’t wear her hair down. Mommy comfort takes precedent and it takes every spin, turn and plie’ to keep it all in check and for us still to get to school on time.
Take time sometime this week and write out all of your duties. What has to get done in a weeks time. Then write what you would like to add to your week ie (journaling, meditation, reading, movies etc)
What has to be done and yes I include exercise as a “Must Do”, is written in red. What you would like to do is in blue. Now grab 7 sheets of paper and on the top of each write a day of the week. Then divide the paper into 3 sections morning, afternoon, evening. Now put down Time constraints in black ink. Like, I have to get kids to school by … I have to be at work at…. Pick up time is. All the way to I would like to be in bed by…
Now here is the crucial step. Work backwards from the bottom up of each day up. Starting with what time you would like to be in bed. Plug in all of your duties and your wants. The genius to this way is that you will see what time you have to get up plain as day! As you move things around to accommodate what you would like to accomplish in a day you will realize what days are better to do what on. For me I work out Mon Wed Fri. Right after the kids are dropped at school. And my day forms after that. You will also realize how much wasted time is in your day and trim trim trim the fat.
All of this is to help you feel more in Control of your life. More in the drivers seat and with that you will definitely feel more accomplished!!
And who doesn’t like that feeling!
Here is to the Dance the Art of the Routine!
Happy January!!! Like so many people I am doing a Cleanse. Yay! I love knowing that there are so many others out there hanging out in the bathroom, dreaming of food, and feeling the buzz. The I’m getting Clean buzz.
I have alternately loved/hated the very thought of having to do this. I was introduced to the idea of Cleansing in 1997 the year my hubby and I got together ( Hey Baby). He was a Vegan at the time and knew all the in’s and outs of good for you eating. I was from Georgia…enough said. After being through every kind of Cleanse I can imagine. Only Water…only AlkalineWater and Lemon only Water Lemon & Cayenne ok plus maple syrup. With a daily dose of soooo many herbs you burb herbs…with Olive Olive Oil ( drinking lots of it! The absolute worse… ( i threw up twice) And the list goes on and on. I have learned to read (nutrition books and blogs) then pick choose and decide for myself what plan I will follow.
Because the Important thing to do is to….DO Something!!!
SO Here I am on Day 4 of MY CLEANSE… The combo I am into right now is part goopcleanse.com (all of their food lists of what to eliminate what to add) I am eating one meal a day. A healthy shot of KimberlySynder.com (her incredible green juice) and a great Cleanse kit from Whole Food (Total Body Rapid Cleanse) that has all of my herbs and fiber. And my Ace in the Hole is the Synergy shake I make each day (found at Mynaturalmarket.com) It is Amazing it goes in and heals your body from the cellular molecular level!!!
Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! Can’t you Feel the Magic The Love The Health The Clean!
I don’t feel desperately hungry, spacey and trapped into something that I don’t feel I can accomplish. Instead I Feel good, lighter and truly excited to reap all the benefits that this particular discipline affords me!
Won’t you join me…
…The days seem endless and your feet know the way without the aid of the mind.
And it’s not that traffic has stopped or the kids have stopped running and yelling. Or that the tea party have all gone home and decided to drink coffee.
It just feels like nothing Big or New is Happening. You are on day 20 of 95degrees hot blue skies with a scattering of clouds. All radio stations are playing the same 10 songs with nothing new on rotation. And well you find yourself staring into space as the the crickets play a tune and your window fan blows your curtains to a timed beat.
The question is….
Rage Against it…?
Or stare and try not to blink…?
Cuz change is a comin’…
Wow I think it’s that one.
Here is to the Fleeting Moment…Enjoy…
I’m 11yrs old and I have discovered a place called Paris, France!! Oooh La La I have fallen in love! I love the language the passion, the fashion. I have found another “home”. My mom must of known after all my middle name is Dior very French indeed.
Ever since then I have been a Francophile studying French in school and dreaming of the day when I and my “lover” would meet. Well I did go! Right after college I studied in London and then worked (illegally) like a dog to make the money to go to Pari’ oui oui! It was rainy and cold and misty… but alas I was in Love and I did not care! I walked the city in a haze of aaah and awe!
Now I “Dream” of going back. Of Taking my real Life “Mi Amour” with me and spending a blissful space of time walking the cobblestone streets eating warm flaky croissants and wandering thru the Louvre. In my dream I speak fluent French and I am a marvel of Fashion:-) Well to that end I have begun feeding that dream. Though the money, time and childcare all elude me at present that does not stop the dream. I research first class tickets, the best season to go (no not Spring) and the perfect neighborhood for our very own Romantique’ Pied- a’- terre’.
Today remember your Dreams feed them so that they may live in you anew and Pay that energy forward! Buy a complete stranger their coffee or bring in muffins to work. Anywhere you can see where a spark of unexpected kindness can make magic be there as the magician.
Now to find something Fabulous to Wear!
Chocolate or Flowers? I was reading an article aimed at getting us to know ourselves better. In particular in the romantic arena where injury is bound to happen and well the offending person would need to send a note” plus Chocolates or Flowers? Well that’s easy I am So So a flower girl! I need them like I need well let’s just say I “Must” have them and I have the Receipts to prove it!
Outside yesterday in stilted English Jamie my gardner let… me know that it was time again to prune the Roses. ” You No Like But it is Good and Better this Way…No worry You will See”! Aaah man it’s that time again! I love my roses. We had them planted 4 years ago after we moved into our home . White roses against a white picket fence they have always been so beautiful giving me hours of looking pleasure not to mention centerpieces, welcome gifts and everything else you do with an abundance of flowers.
So as I watched in pain as Jamie cut them back so much they looked sad and bald I swear I could hear them crying. I decided to look up this pruning practice. The definition of “pruning” “the horticultural practice of cutting away unwanted, unnecessary, or undesirable parts of a plant in order to encourage lateral growth and increase flowering and fruit!” Ok well now that does sound “Good and Better”:-)
This is also the time of year I do a cleanse or a fast. It is mostly dreaded and not something I look forward to. But the drunken, sugar, meat, fest of the holidays drive me forward. I waver from the most inhumane to the easiest and still get the job done. The year I did the Lemonade Fast I thought I was gonna pass out. I threw up on one particular fast that had me ingesting quantities of olive oil. Lord Help. There are ones with pills and ones without. Raw food allowed and nothing at all! This year I’m doing a combo. Juice fast for 3 days then the Daniel fast. Danielfast.wordpress.com it seems pretty humane. Wish me luck!
Now instead of completely dreading it I’m thinking of it as my yearly pruning. Trimming away eating habits and emotional ones that are both unwanted and unnecessary in order to promote my “lateral growth and increase my flowering!!
Yeah I like the sound of that!
Onwards and Upwards!
Now for one more “Passions Cupcake” before I start! passionpastries.com Thanks Darlene:-)
Did You notice? It’s Happened a New Day is here! It comes every morning really but it’s so extra meaningful to push the reset at the start of the year! The collected conscience of everyone turning the page at once… Aaah there it is again! That feeling of Possibility that surges through me at the thought of it! A New Day a Blank Page a Clean Slate! I love It!
Let’s Get to Writing!!
Yes That’s How I feel about 2010…. It has been one of my most Challenging Years In recent memory. From word Go to Yesterday. Yes the 30th of December. So many injuries and slights to overlook. So much disappointment to get past. So much to forgive so much to try to forget. So many lessons to be learned. So many roads traveled you hope not to see again.